October, 1992
"Forgiven" expresses many of the childhood emotions...sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, rage, confusion and frustration. It took alot of work, so I thought, at the time to get to a place where I could write a poem about this part of my life, let alone share it. It is a part of my life that has revealed that by facing it, it is a story, like all stories I have told throughout my years...in telling it...it was seen to be as much signifigance as a leaf turning brown in the fall...it is just the way it is...it is life and it is welcome here.
When I was one, I had just begun to say your name and suck my thumb.
When I was two, I hardly knew the awful things you planned to do.
When I was three, I started to see that you were the monster after me.
When I was four, I learned much more, I taught myself to lock the door.
When I was five, I sat and cried, I had first thoughts of suicide.
When I was six, I decided to hide, all my feelings, deep inside.
When I was seven, I prayed to heaven, to take your life, so I could live again.
When I was eight, I stayed awake, to fight you off, when it was late.
When I was nine, I tried to find, someone to help me, no one had time.
When I was ten, it started again, I made a pact to hate all men.
When I was eleven, you told mom, that I was evil, you were wrong.
When I was twelve, life was hell, I was becoming a woman and hated myself.
When I was thirteen, you couldn't see, that you were losing, control of me.
When I was fourteen, I said "No More," the police came and put you behind barred doors.
When I was fifteen, I thought I had nothing left, took 100 pills and waited for death.
When I was sixteen, I had a son, I felt that life had just begun.
When I was seventeen, I had an attack; I had no idea of such things as flashbacks.
When I was eighteen, there was more to be seen, the touching was not all you had done to me.
When I was nineteen, my mind was a mess; they put me in a hospital and labeled me "depressed."
When I was twenty, I began to feel strong; your life had been taken, and now you were gone.
Now I am twenty-one, and can say at last, I truly see our parts in the life of the past.
Father, In this heart there is now a light that shines brightly, the light I had forgotten in the cloud of darkness...in hate and anger which concealed it from shining through.
Your daughter.
~Joy Surget
