"I can't believe you called him!"
We shot the shit for a minute.
Him: Looking for a job, partying...
Me: Really, we'll have to call you next time we drive up there for a girls night out.
Him: I'll be offended if you don't.
Me & Him: (blah blah blah)
Me: So, I'm sitting here at TGIFriday's having dinner and dessert with my girls Denise and Dianne here, talking about love and all that mess. And we were joking about how we should each talk to the man in our girl's life. Like Dianne should talk to my man. Denise should talk to Dianne's man. And I should talk to you...
Him: (Laughs)
Me: So... Denise left to use the little girl's room and I'm now chatting with you... Homie, you know i have your back on this. My advice has always been for her to go for it, don't be scared. When she told me she hasn't kissed you, I said, What?! Girl, kiss the boy. Loosen up. Have fun. It's just a kiss. I don't understand why not.
Then I listen to what she's saying about making it something special and meaningful. About that being a gift she gives to the one she loves today, each day she makes a choice to wait for something real. About knowing herself enough to know what that would open up for her, and to know not get caught u in the kind of mess that most of us are involved in because we do go there.
All I'm trying to say is don't ask or push for something unless you know you really want it... and until you know you can handle it and come through with the commit it deserves.
(I say all of this in a very nice, uncritical tone...)
Denise is my girl and one of the most beautiful people I know, not just because of what she believes in, but because of what she lives. Don't fuck with that. It's a beautiful thing that I only wish I had the courage and the will to be committed to.
Him: Okay... (hesitant chuckle)
Me: You don't have to say anything. I don't think we accounted for the boys to have responses for what we say when we were laughing about hypothetically talking to them. This is just something to think about. Well, um, I think I've intruded on your Thursday night enough, so, good night.
(Hung up, laughing and feeling more empowered over that than anything I've done in a really really long time.
So Denise comes back from the biffie, saying she didn't expect me to actually call him.
I tell her, you know, if you know me, I rarely back down on a dare. And I don't chicken out of speaking up for one of my sisters. It's just being real for (or to) myself that I make excuses about shit.
I am blessed to have such amazing sister friends. That night we just needed some collective-processing time to talk out our frustrations with the men we may or may not "be with" but who we do love and care about, and who do love and care about us, with their own ways of being able to receive and reciprocate that. Over some pasta and chicken entrees, foofoo refreshments, and of course, chocolate brownie decadence, we each took our turn externalizing. And we'd joke, girl, you need to let me talk to him because I'll just break it down.
So we did.
We tell each other to get real with our respective hims. And we give advice about how we deserve love and respect. And we each (let me say most all of us, my dear sister friends) struggle to listen to our own words of wisdom when dealing with our own lives.
This is not to dish on the men in our lives. They are only still here because we love them, because they love us, because we see the beauty and intelligence and strength... and potential inside. This is just about getting real and honest and clear.
01.13.03