The Heaviest Weight

I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember *But like that touch I know no other *
- Dave Matthews

Their friendship began with a kiss.

Cold lips unmoving under his own, Clark hadn't had time to think. His mind was blank as he tried to force life back into the body underneath him. The sound of coughing, those first few labored breaths and relief flooded through Clark's limbs, making him dizzy.

Lex Luthor was the first person Clark ever saved.

He saved Lex, again. That fact, in and of itself wasn't that spectacular. Lex seemed to have a nasty habit of getting kidnapped and tonight had been no different, not really. Some lunatic with a grudge against Lionel Luthor had decided to take it out on Lex and, once again, Clark seemed to be the only one who could do anything about it. Lionel was either unwilling or unable. Clark guessed it was the former.

The thing that made this night different was that, for once, Lex had been conscious to witness his rescue. Clark winced when he remembered the look on Lex's face. Lex had seen Clark use his speed and strength; had watched as the man shot Clark several times. Lex had seen the bullet holes in Clark's clothes and the unmarred flesh beneath.

Clark knew that "adrenaline" wouldn't cut it this time. Lex hadn't even offered him a ride home. He had just stared at Clark for a moment, hurt and anger filling his eyes before he turned and walked away. Clark, not knowing what to say, hadn't tried to stop him.

Clark sat on the couch in his barn studying his hands, his mind numb as he replayed the events of the night over and over again. The sound of footsteps didn't surprise him, he knew that Lex would come, that he would want an explanation. Clark had to wonder, after four years of lies from both of them, if their friendship could survive the truth.

"I was hoping you'd still be awake," Lex said quietly.

"I was waiting for you," Clark admitted without looking up. "How are you?" Anything to postpone the inevitable. If this was the end of their friendship, Clark wanted to make this moment last as long as possible.

Lex chuckled, which was...unexpected. "Well, I'm not used to surviving a situation like this without some sort of head trauma, so I've been appreciating that novelty."

"Lex," Clark started as he continued to study his hands. It was now or never.

"Wait. Before you say anything, I want to tell you something."

Clark looked directly at Lex for the first time since he had entered the loft, startled by the statement. Lex looked tense, his hands shoved in his pockets, his posture rigid, not quite meeting Clark's gaze.

"I've never been too good with the truth, Clark. Lies are easier, safer. Part of me wants to hate you for lying to me, but I've never been too fond of hypocrites." Lex paused, running a hand over his scalp. "Jesus, this is harder than I thought it would be." He looked Clark in the eyes for a moment, offering a helpless look before turning away again.

"Lex, whatever it is, you can tell--"

"I'm completely in love with you, I have been for quite some time."

Clark blinked. "Oh."

"You don't have to say anything. In fact, I'd prefer it if you didn't say anything right now. I just wanted you to know thatthat I would never do anything to hurt you. If you want to tell me..." Lex made a vague gesture with his hand. "I'd like to think that you can trust me, Clark. But I don't want any confessions tonight."

"You don't?" Clark asked, more than a little confused.

Lex loved him? Lex loved him. Clark's head spun with all the implications of that confession. Feelings that Clark had tried hard to repress were working their way to the surface of his mind. It was like discovering the world had colors when all he had ever seen were shades of grey.

In the true brilliance of reverse psychology, he wanted to do nothing more than to tell Lex his secrets, to hold him close and feel the heat from his body as Clark confessed everything. He reached out to touch Lex only to have Lex step back, shaking his head. Turning slightly away, Lex studied the wall of the barn as if it held all the answers.

"Whatever your secrets are, Clark, I want you to tell me if and when you're ready, not because some freak circumstance forced you to. I want." Lex smiled a self-deprecating smile. "I want a lot of things. I want you to feel the same way I do, but if you don't, I still want your friendship." Lex looked up, hope and fear warring in his eyes.

"So, I'll be around tomorrow, if you want to--" Lex's voice cracked on the word. "If you don't...could you give me some time. Maybe a week?" Another sad grin. "I don't handle rejection well."

Clark nodded silently, watching as Lex turned to leave. Not what he was expecting from this confrontation, Clark was stunned with the reality that he hadn't lost a friend, that he had possibly gained something more. He closed his eyes, thanking whoever might be listening for giving him a second chance.

He was so overwhelmed with everything that had happened that it took a moment for the expression on Lex's face to register and Clark realized that he hadn't really said anything. That Lex thought..."Lex," he called out as Lex reached the stairs.

"Yeah?"

He would think about things tonight because Lex had asked him to, but Clark already knew his answer. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said, willing Lex to understand.

Lex's answering smile was genuinely happy, definitely something that Clark wanted to see more often.

"Oh, I almost forgot." Lex pulled his left hand out of his pocket, tossing something toward Clark.

Clark reached out to catch it, opening his palm to reveal a small, octagonal shaped piece of metal.

"I lost that when that tornado hit, but I found it again a few years ago. I have enough paperweights, though." Lex turned and left the loft without another word, leaving Clark to examine the missing piece of his spaceship.

Clark sat in the loft, running his hand over the smooth metal in his hand. Chloe was always telling Clark how clueless he was, but he really hadn't realized how right she was. He had been clueless not only about Lex's feelings, but his own as well.

As Clark had been told more than once, a relationship built on lies and deceit was doomed to fail. Clark was determined to make his relationship with Lex succeed. He knew now what he had to tell Lex.

He grabbed the flashlight they kept in the loft and walked down to the storm cellar. Lifting the tarp covering it, Clark stared at his ship, flipping the little piece of metal in his hand. Suddenly, mid-flip, the key jerked away, sailed toward the ship and swiveled in the air for a moment before fitting into the octagonal groove.

The ship started to hover, metal strips sliding away to reveal a bright yellow light. The form of a man slowly materialized before his eyes. Clark stared in amazement. He wanted to call out, wake up his parents, but he couldn't move, couldn't take his eyes away from the figure hovering in front of him.

"Kal-El." The man's syllables were slow and measured. "I am your father. My name is Jor-El."

Everything Clark had wanted to know since the day his dad had told him the truth was being offered to him. All he had to do was listen.

Clark had always thought he was okay with being adopted. He had parents who loved him and supported him. They had helped him though not only the normal difficulties of growing up, but through the development of his abilities as well. Clark couldn't have asked for a better family.

And yet, as he was standing there facing what was apparently a hologram of his biological father, Clark was hit with a wave of emotions he had always kept buried so deep that he hadn't been aware of their existence. Feelings of abandonment and insecurities washed over him. Why had he been sent away, what had he done, why hadn't his parents loved him enough to keep him? All he managed to ask, however, was, "Why?"

"Clark?" His mom walked into the kitchen as he stuffed a few oranges into his backpack. "What's going on?"

"I've got to go, Mom." Clark zipped his backpack closed, not really registering his mom's presence.

"Go? Go where? Clark?" She followed him out the door, down to the cellar.

"The ship." Clark gestured to the hovering ship. "I have to go, I have to find out." Clark couldn't explain anymore than that. He was overwhelmed by the idea of knowing. For so long, he had so many questions. Now he had the opportunity to find out and he was afraid that if he didn't take it, he would lose the chance, would never get the answers he so craved.

"Clark? Martha?" His dad descended into the cellar.

"Dad." Clark's voice was hoarse as he watched his parents study the ship. "I have to go, I have to find out--"

His dad nodded. "We always thought that something like this might happen. Well, not exactly this..." He grimaced as he watched the ship. "You have to leave?"

"Yeah."

"When will you be back?" his mom asked, her voice sounded small, worried.

"I don't know. Sometime. I love you guys so much, I don't want you to think that..." Clark floundered. How could he explain?

"We understand, honey," his mom assured him, though she still looked worried.

"Do what you have to do, son." His dad pulled him into a hug. "Just promise me you'll be careful."

Clark nodded, hugging his mom as soon as his dad released him. "I'll be back as soon as I can. I love you."

He said his good-byes and he nodded to the ship, which shot out of the cellar at his signal. He chased the craft toward the horizon without sparing another thought for his family or friends.

Clark looked at the Fortress of Solitude critically for a moment. It was the first time he had really studied the outside of the structure. Inhaling the cold, crisp Antarctic air, he felt invigorated, like he had just woken from a deep sleep.

He felt more confident than he had ever been before. He knew about his origins now, about his abilities and how to use them. Clark pushed off the icy ground, enjoying the wind as he flew toward Kansas, excited to tell his parents all that he had found out.

He found his dad first, out working in the fields.

"Dad!" He landed in front of his dad, his smile bright. He hadn't realized until that moment how much he had missed his parents.

"Clark, is that really you?" His dad laughed as Clark hugged him.

"Yeah, of course it's me! Dad, you wouldn't believe what I've learned. I can control all my gifts now and I found out about a bunch of new ones and I can fly and..." Clark trailed off when he saw the weariness in his dad's expression. There were more lines at the corners of his eyes that Clark had remembered and Clark was sure that he was imagining the gray hairs dusting his dad's blond hair. "Dad? Is everything okay?" Maybe his dad hadn't slept well while Clark was gone.

Before his dad could answer, he heard his mom calling, "Clark!" He turned to see her running towards them. He opened his arms and caught her in a giant hug.

"Mom! I missed you." He pulled back to see her crying. "Mom?" He looked back at his dad. "What's going on, what happened?" His mom looked tired, bone weary.

Clark took a moment to look around the farm. For the first time he noticed that it was later in the season than it should have been. He had left in the spring, right after graduation. It looked like it was late fall now. A cold knot of fear settled in his gut. "How long have I been gone?" he whispered.

"Maybe we should go inside," his mom suggested gently. "We can sit down and talk."

"Mom," his voice cracked. "How long have I been gone?"

"A little over five years," his dad answered quietly.

"Five..." Clark sank to the ground, his knees digging into the soft soil beneath him. "I've been gone for five years?" He hadn't realized. No wonder his parents looked so strained. Guilt hit him hard, his heart aching at the worry he had caused them. "I'm so sorry."

"Come on, honey." His mom's hand was warm on his shoulder. "Let's go inside."

His mind flashed back to the night he had left. Oh, God, how could he have forgotten? "I need to see Lex," Clark told them, missing the look they exchanged at that statement.

"You're mother's right, Clark. Let's go inside."

"You don't understand, that night, he came to me. He--" Clark choked on the sob stuck in his throat. "I have to see him."

"Clark." He looked up into his mom's eyes then quickly looked away, unable to handle the pain and pity he saw there.

He sat at the kitchen table, his hands wrapped around a mug of hot coffee, but he couldn't feel the warmth. Part of his brain was telling him that the numbness was a defense mechanism, and he could only think that when it wore off he was going to hurt, badly.

"He moved to Metropolis shortly after you left," his mom was saying. "LuthorCorp and LexCorp merged when his father...died."

Her words sounded so far away. Like she was standing at the other end of a long tunnel. Words echoing in his brain and Clark was sure despair was lurking somewhere, waiting until he was too weak to fight before it washed over him, but right now he couldn't feel anything.

"I have to see him, I have to explain," he said woodenly. His tongue felt thick in his mouth, his words awkward and heavy.

"Clark, he isn't..." his dad paused. "He isn't the man you knew."

Clark looked up into his dad's eyes, the triumph he expected to see accompanying that statement was nowhere to be found.

"It doesn't matter," Clark answered finally. "I have to try."

"Clark Kent."

Clark looked around the office, so cold and sterile. He focused on the view of the city, breathtaking from so high up. Finally, he turned to meet Lex's smile, sharp and bright and so cold that Clark shivered.

"Here I thought you'd fallen off the face of the earth. To what do I owe the pleasure?" Lex's smile grew, but it never reached his eyes, which glittered darkly, burned coldly with hate.

"I came to explain," Clark whispered.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you're years too late. I'm no longer interested," Lex said pleasantly as he leaned back in his chair.

"It wasn't like that, Lex, I didn't..." Clark floundered, not really sure what to say. He had planned, written and rewritten an explanation in his head on his way to Metropolis but it had all been lost faced with the reality of what Lex had become.

"You didn't mean to just leave," Lex supplied, nodding thoughtfully. "I suppose you were just...what? Indisposed? For five years. You meant to call, but there wasn't a phone around?"

"Yes. No!" Clark shook his head, feeling a little stupid standing there in front of Lex's desk like some little kid who had been called to the principal's office.

Lex stood up and walked around the desk until he was standing in front of Clark. "Don't worry about it. You actually did me a favor. Sure, I was upset for awhile. I mean, I trusted you. Put myself out on the line and you just left without a word." Lex was still smiling, his words sharp, formed to cut, to hurt but not to kill, Lex wasn't that merciful.

"I realized something. You can't trust anybody but yourself, Clark. The one lesson my father always tried to teach me, the one he never quite managed to get across. But you did it so beautifully, so effectively that you couldn't have made the point any better had you carved the words into my skin."

"It doesn't have to be like this, Lex. I screwed up, but I want to make it up to you." There had to be some way to undo the damage he had done. If he could only explain, make Lex understand.

"You never did study mythology, did you?" Lex's amusement was as cold as everything else about him. "King Laius of Thebes was warned by the priestess at Delphi that he would die at the hand of his son. Despite the fact that whatever the priestess foretold came to pass, King Laius was determined to avoid his fate. So he took the child, bound its hands and feet, and left it on a mountain to die. The problem is, destiny is not that easy to avoid. The child didn't die. Years later, Oedipus killed King Laius, unaware that the man was actually his father. In trying to change his fate, King Laius ensured that the prophecy came true."

"Lex." Clark shook his head in denial. God, it hurt. Because it was Lex, but it wasn't. This Lex was a cruel caricature of the friend Clark remembered.

"Why are you here, Clark? What did you expect to happen?"

"I already told you why I'm here."

"You can't change my destiny. Don't you see? In my attempts to avoid becoming my father, I've surpassed even his expectations. I made sure he knew that before he died." Lex's tone was conversational, his posture the picture of relaxation.

A chill ran up Clark's spine, settling heavily on his heart. "How did your father die, Lex?"

"It's not important." Lex smiled again.

"What about us? I thought we had a destiny."

Lex reached up, running his fingers lightly over Clark's cheekbone. "We do. It just isn't the one I had originally expected," Lex whispered. "There's a thin line between love and hate. Once it's crossed, it's impossible to go back. You should know that."

"So that's it?" Clark clenched his jaw. "You hate me now?"

"Did you really expect anything else?"

Clark shook his head again, he could see it in Lex's eyes, the hate, cold and hard and so fully formed that nothing Clark could say was going to change it. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Clark. I owe my success to you." Lex made a sweeping gesture to encompass the office, his idea of success.

"I won't accept that."

Something flashed in Lex's eyes, a hurt so deep that it cut Clark to the bone knowing he caused it. If he could go back in time he would gladly exchange all that he had learned about himself if it would remove that hurt.

"You don't have a choice," Lex said, all traces of amusement gone from his face.

"I have one." Clark smiled, tears filling his eyes, threatening to spill over. "It's not a good one, but..." He reached out and placed his hand of the back of Lex's neck. Lex didn't make a move to pull away, just watched Clark with a mild curiosity behind cold eyes. "I'll always love you, Lex." Clark whispered before covering Lex's lips with his own. He closed his eyes as Lex's lips opened under his.

Tears rolled unnoticed down Clark's cheeks as he removed all memories of their friendship from Lex's mind, replacing them with memories that wouldn't hold up if they were too closely examined. However, the Lex he was kissing wasn't likely to dwell on the past.

Clark didn't have any illusions that it would change the man Lex had become. Short of turning back time, there was nothing Clark could do. Lex had been on this road long before he had met Clark. Their friendship had ended up being but a brief detour in Lex's destiny.

When Clark pulled away, Lex's eyes were closed. Clark sped out of the office before they opened, hoping that the Kiss of Forgetfulness had worked.

"Are you listening to me, Kent?" Lois waved a hand in front of his face.

"Of course." He smiled, hoping to cover up his lapse.

She gave an unladylike snort. "What did I say then?"

"It's almost time for our interview with Mr. Luthor," he said, silently pleased that his voice hadn't cracked over the name.

"Are you ready?" She gave him a suspicious look. "You look kind of sick."

"I'm fine." Clark smiled, jumping a moment later when the secretary announced that Mr. Luthor would see them now.

"Mr. Luthor." Lois stuck out her hand for him to shake.

"Ms. Lane, a pleasure." Lex shook her hand, smiling.

"This is my partner, Clark Kent."

Lex turned to him then, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. No signs of recognition showed as he shook Clark's hand. "Kent? Any relation to 'Kent Farms' in Smallville?" he asked, his voice pleasant, detached.

"Yes, they're my parents, actually."

"I lived in Smallville for awhile," Lex informed him.

Clark only nodded as he pushed up his glasses, unable to speak around the lump in his throat.

"I wonder why he does it." Lois mused aloud as she turned away from the reruns the news was showing of Superman landing with Lex in his arms.

"What do you mean?" Clark asked, more because it was expected than because of his desire to know the answer.

"After everything that Lex Luthor's done, why not just let him suffer the consequences of his actions? It's crazy. Why does Superman continue to save him?" She shook her head in confusion.

"Because I couldn't," Clark whispered.

"What?" Lois turned her full attention on him.

Clark shrugged. "I don't know why."

But he did. It was the only way. He couldn't let Lex continue to hurt people. Everything Lex did, Clark was responsible for, but he couldn't let him die. So Superman continued to save Lex, waited for situations when he would be able to be close to him, touch him, feeling guilty for savoring those moments.

Lex didn't remember anything from their time in Smallville--Clark alone bore that burden, the heartache of knowing what they once had, what could have been. It was the least Clark could do for Lex. Or maybe he had done it for himself. The hate Lex had for Superman was easier to bear, less personal than the hatred Lex had bore for Clark.

Their friendship began with a kiss and it had ended with one.

Lex Luthor was the first person Clark had ever saved.

In the end, Lex was the only person Clark could never save, no matter how many times he tried.

THE END