The Moon is Chasing Me

"I love studying with you." Clark mumbled into Lex's bare chest after his verbal skills had returned to him. A rumbling sound was the only reply Clark received, so he simply closed his eyes and waited for his higher brain functions to reassert themselves. It usually took awhile.

Clark sat up suddenly, remembering what had been bothering him before he had become so...distracted. He peered over the side of the bed, then turned to look at Lex when his suspicions were confirmed. "Lex?"

"Hmmm?" Lex was stretched out on the bed, his hands folded over his chest where Clark's head had just been resting, one knee was bent. He was the picture of relaxation.

"Why is your bed on the floor?"

Not even bothering to open his eyes, Lex was quiet for a moment before replying, without a trace of sarcasm, "Monsters."

"Monsters?"

"Yes. A monster's preferred habitat is under the bed. By having my box-spring directly on the floor, I greatly reduce my chances of monster infestation." Eyes still closed, his tone was matter-offact.

Clark raised an eyebrow. "You're joking, right?"

Lex opened his eyes and turned to Clark with a stern look on his face. "You think monster infestation is a joking matter?" Amusement danced in Lex's eyes.

His most contrite look in place, Clark hung his head a little. "I'm sorry, of course it isn't. I never meant to imply it was."

"Good."

Clark snuggled back down in bed as Lex pulled the blanket over them. "Are you cold?"

"No, not really, but the monsters can't see you if you have a blanket pulled over you." Lex answered as he wrapped his arms back around Clark.

Clark was having a hard time suppressing his giggles. He did not giggle. "But I thought the whole reason for the bed being on the floor was to keep the monsters away. Why do you need the blanket?"

"Well, under the bed isn't the only place monsters live. They can also live in the closet, they just prefer under the bed. All the dirty clothes and stuff that gets shoved under there is ideal for monster breeding." Lex delivered in his most scientific voice.

Clark snorted. "But a blanket? They're fooled by a blanket?"

"They're monsters, Clark, not rocket scientists." Lex answered in the condescendingly superior tone of a lecturing professor.

Clark had to remind himself that monsters weren't actually real. "So you don't want monsters breeding under your bed?"

"Definitely not. Once you've got a nest, they're almost impossible to get rid of."

"Well, of course. That makes sense. How do you know so much about monsters?" Clark was thoroughly enjoying the conversation, though it only served to further prove that his boyfriend was really weird.

"I'm on the Concerned Citizens Board of the Prevention of Monster Induced Injuries and Fatalities, or CCBOPOMIIAF for short. The CCBOPOMIIAF was established in 1892 in order to spread the word of monster prevention. Ignorance is a monster's best friend. They count on it, that's why we're here." Now Lex sounded like some horrible cross between a professor giving a scientific lecture and a public service announcement gone bad.

"So the CCBOPOMIIAF is there to make sure people know how to protect themselves?" Clark managed to sound genuinely curious.

"Exactly. Recent studies have shown that music is an important tool in the war against monsters. Good music is the most effective in keeping monsters away, it causes their heads to explode. The playing of boy bands will sometimes give them a slight headache, but it really doesn't do any permanent damage." Lex stated dryly.

Clark nodded seriously and it was a good thing he was invulnerable, otherwise he'd have bitten off the inside of his cheek in an effort not to laugh. "I heard the CCBOPOMIIAF was pretty exclusive. How did you become a member?"

"Well, you've seen the places I live. Castles are particularly prone to monster infestation, so I started doing scientific experiments to see what attracted and what repelled the monsters. I used the stand up comedy of Bill Cosby as a starting point. Cosby noted that if you had your music with you, the monsters couldn't get you. He was right. The monsters seem to think that music indicates a party and they don't like crowds."

Lex paused for a moment, looking off in the distance as if he was contemplating some important piece of information. "I also noticed that they don't like light. I experimented with different types of light, lava lamps, Christmas tree lights, your standard nightlights. The type of light didn't really make a difference."

"I kept a journal of my observations. They were later published in the Journal of Monster Prevention. It was after the publication of my studies that the CCBOPOMIIAF asked me to join. Naturally, I accepted."

"Naturally. But what is it exactly that you guys do?" Clark did his best to sound like a citizen concerned about monster infestation.

"Well, right now we're working on releasing a book of monsterial habits and preventative measures that everyone can take to make their home monster free. It should be out some time next spring. I'll see if I can get you an advanced copy."

"Hmm, I guess it pays to be sleeping with a board member." Clark trailed his fingers across Lex's chest suggestively.

"Well, I didn't say it'd be free. Since the CCBOPOMIIAF is a nonprofit organization, all the proceeds will go to Monster Removal campaigns in third world countries. Of course we have had some problems with the book. The PACTM, People Against Cruelty to Monsters, have organized a boycott and it's making it really hard to get the word out to people." Managing to sound genuinely upset, Lex didn't look at Clark as he spoke, possibly because he was on the verge of laughter himself.

"Communists! I wouldn't worry though. I think people will listen to both sides and stick with the one that's least likely to end up stealing children in the long run."

Clark felt the laughter begin as a low reverberation in Lex's chest and knew he finally had broken him. He started laughing so hard that tears were rolling down his cheeks. Clark couldn't help but join in. A happy Lex was impossible to resist.

After they had both calmed down, Clark propped himself up on his elbows so he could look Lex in the eye. "What really happened to your bed?"

"We broke it during our last 'study session.'" Lex shrugged.

Clark considered that for a moment. "Damn pesky monsters!"

Lex laced his fingers through Clark's hair. "There are some other experiments I'd like to conduct to see what noises will and will not scare the monsters off, but I need an assistant. Interested?" he asked before pulling Clark down for a kiss.

"Oh, definitely," Clark nodded emphatically when they broke apart.

"Lex?" Clark whispered several 'experiments' and a long nap later.

"Yeah?"

"What's the CCBOPOMIIAF's official position on aliens?"

THE END