The memory of my children’s funeral never escapes me. I was living in a strange country, although it was in the US, this area of the country was abnormal indeed. It’s climate so cold that cars had heating blankets. If I dared to talk, everyone’s attention was focused on me, for as it seemed, I had an accent! Away from my family and friends, God had placed me in a garden of thorns and stickers.
I had moved with my husband to his hometown, several states from where I had grown up. To make matters worse, I had been weaned on city life and now stood knee deep in cattle mud! At times I would just stand in the piles and ask God, “Is this my punishment for getting pregnant without being married first?” I’d even looked up into the Heavens while asking that proverbial question. Then, without waiting for an answer, the words would come to my mind-For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or health, for I married this guy, now get on with your day! Yes, I even rehearsed grandma’s words, “You made your own cake- now get a fork and try to enjoy it without complaining about the egg shells in your slice”.
I did begin to enjoy life. My mother-in-law was a sweetie, and her parents were jewels. It was a wonderful way of life; one that I had heard of but never understood. Life on the farm was fun, adventurous, and heart warming. Then the day came when God took my only two children home to be with Him. In a wink of an eye, the flowers that had begun to bloom around me turned to thorns. The sound of children laughing and playing was transformed into painful echoes of crying and tears splashing in puddles.
Echoes seemed to be everywhere now. The echo of my heels as they clicked, clicked, clicked in the hallway of the hospital making that lonely trip to the outside world without my children in my arms. The echo of the silent nights that followed – seems so strange how a silent night can be so loud. These were the thorns in the sticker patch that poked and prodded themselves into my existence. Annual echoes as birthday times came and went. The echo of my sin, “Don’t be foolish, get married before having children”. These echoes had me hating the world and everyone in it. I felt so isolated.
I stayed in this strange country for quite some time, just to be close to my children’s grave. Their little graves gave me the only comfort available, for my husband took his grief and tears to an old girlfriend and shared them with her. My Mother-in-law tried to comfort me, but I just couldn’t fathom sharing time with her as her son shared his time with another woman. As the anniversary of the death of my son & daughter (who would have been 3˝ & 2˝ -respectively) approached, I just had to talk with my mom. I cried as never before, asking the famous question why (which by the way seemed to be a question I asked myself quite frequently). My mom, the lady I refused to listen to and felt had known much of nothing in my younger years, now had the right answer. “God just wanted them dear. Your babies are with Him and you will find the strength to go on. And honey, may I ask, why you are staying there in that town?” The closeness to the gravesite was all I could come up with as I slobbered into the phone. Then my wonderful mom gave me the courage to go on. She told me that God would guide me and that He already had my path raked and planted, all I needed to do was to trust Him and let Him take me into a new season.
Well, I did survive. I asked my father-in-law to handle the divorce. I felt it was proper since his son was disgracing our marriage. I picked up plans I had lain aside to go into the military. Then one glorious day, just as God had planned, I met a young man who was a Christian. He led me to Christ and I began a new life that was so meaningful. A life of laughter and yes tears, but tears of joy now. We dated and oh my, that was great! He treated me like a queen. I had never met a Christian like this man. He opened my doors, put his hankie around my cold can of coke and always laughed. We talked about marriage but I did not want to marry again, for fear of bringing my pain into the relationship. I just couldn’t bare the thought of childbirth after losing my toddlers. As I told this wonderful Christian this, he looked at me and said, “There are too many children in this world that need adopting. If you feel that way, we can adopt. That one sentence has carried me over the sticker bush for years. How loving this Christian was to me.
We got married, had three children, and now I am a Christian educator. Yep, God gives me a dozen children each year to treat with loving kindness and nurture for His work to be done. I have the trust of so many parents as the center of their education. God has given me days full of joy and the love of these children to replace the memories of those thorns and sticker bushes. Of course I think of my own little ones- sometimes all day long, but spending the day with these 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders wipe away so many of the tears. In Christian education, we can pray for these children and help their parents in molding future leaders. Molding a child, who will stand up for right and against wrong, has brought endless memories. I’d like to share some of those memories with you the next time we get together, and also tell you about the trials of raising my children in the shadow of knowing that God might take any one of them in an instant. God’s love, shown through my second husband these last 19 years, has given me the courage to go forward and tell others of His mighty hand of grace. My son (the doctor to be) has answered God’s call and is off to become a youth pastor. My eldest daughter, in her senior years of school, is dreaming of the mission field. And of course my youngest (whom I very rarely call my baby because it reminds me of those little babes in Heaven) is the image of her mother, scary as it is!
God has been so wonderfully present in my life because of the day I chose to live for him. I hope that I have been a blessing to you and that in the future I can share trips to my garden with you. I love to be in my garden because I can have uninterrupted prayer time with My Lord. Some days the weeds seem to oppress me, but God always hears my prayer and helps me conquer those pesky thorns. I am so unworthy to be a Christian educator, with such a big responsibility. I thank Him for this wonderful job daily. I could have never thought that when the Lord took my children to Heaven twenty-two years ago, that he would give me the opportunity to be with so many wonderful children every day. I always start the school year off by explaining how to be saved (Romans 10:9) then following with the things a new Christian should do such as; read his Bible daily, trust God always (Psalm 56:3) and be obedient to God and his parents (Ephesians 6:1).
I hope you have a personal relationship with the Savior, for He can bring you into a new life, an eternal life. It’s a life of loving that only your brothers and sisters in Christ can understand. It’s a life in which we can feel the presence of the Lord carrying us over the stickers in our garden. If you don’t know the Savior, examine your life. Confess the sins, knowing that God forgives you, believe that God has raised Jesus from the dead and that Jesus is returning one day to take you to be with Him forever. Just bow your head and ask Jesus to live in your heart today. I’d love to hear from you and hope you will share your prayer requests with me, just like the children at school do every day!
God Bless You,
Iris
