I met my husband at the age of 15. He was so handsome, charming and strong. I loved his sense of humor even though it often went over the line. When I was with him I felt safe and confident. Six years later we had a storybook wedding. We seemed to be the perfect couple. Life just fell into place as we bought our first home and my husband was hired in his dream career as a Police officer.

A few months after our beautiful daughter was born the fairy tale took a nightmarish turn. My husband became distant and depressed. He did not come home from work some nights. I would lay in bed sick with worry. I could tell he was dissatisfied with me but he kept it inward unless I pried.

He came out of it after a long year, and everything seemed fine again for awhile. As time went by and our second child was born he became increasingly cynical and sarcastic. He would tease me relentlessly about small thing like the way I ate, how I cooked and how I dressed. It got worse as time went on. He began to ridicule my body, the way I talked and my friends among other things. When I told him how much it hurt, he would say, "you just can't take a joke" or "have a sense of humor!"

As the teasing and ridiculing got worse so did my self-image and self-esteem. I knew God loved me and made me but I was so emotionally dependent on my husband. Subconsciously I cared more about what he thought of me than that of God. I started down an ugly road of self-abuse. I obsessively exercised and seldom ate. I tried to buy clothing; perfume and makeup I thought would please him. I even looked into getting breast implants because he had said that my breasts had shriveled since the birth of my children. I was miserable. I hated myself.

My husband finally said that he had to leave. He was suffocating in our home and that someone was going to get hurt. He said he didn't love me and wasn't sure he ever did. One month later he was killed on his motorcycle while on duty as a police officer. I was devastated.

The night before the funeral there was a huge storm. The storm continued throughout the next day but as we headed to the funeral there was a break in the storm and a glorious rainbow appeared in the sky ahead of us. I knew at that moment that everything would be all right. God promise was in the sky.

The details of the months and even year after were a blur to me. That is another story in itself. Getting through a very public funeral and having my husband elevated to hero status further complicated my feelings. There were many nights of despair and weeping. All my energy was used up just doing everyday activities and trying to raise my children alone.

The Lord seemed distant and I became apathetic about my Christian walk. Where I was once comforted by the words of the bible, it now made no sense to me. Despite the support of Christian friends at church I found it very hard to attend. I walked away.

The amazing thing about God is that he has a way of using the poor choices of his people and making miracles happen. That is just what he did for me. He took my brokenness and disobedience and gave me a new life. A life of love and obedience. This life freed me from my self-imposed bondage and gave me peace.

The Lord brought a man into my life that had just given his life to the Lord. This man asked me many questions about God and the bible. Pretty soon we were reading the bible and attending church together. The devil put many obstacles in our way but we were married and our families blended together in a way only blessed by divine grace. His daughter, my two children and a little over a year later another little one.

The healing was not yet complete. Even though the Lord was working mightily in our lives the scars still plagued my self-esteem. With the Lords guidance, While reading some scriptural truths we realized we did not see them lived out in the church we were attending. In God's perfect timing we found a Mennonite church.

Through this journey of mine I have come to a new level of trust in the Lord. I have peace that the Lord loves me unconditionally and His love is the most important thing in my life. I no longer conform to the unrealistic expectations of the world but lean on the Lord to guide how I live my life and how I feel about myself. (1 Peter 3:3, 1 Timothy 2:9-10, Romans 12:2) With God's help I have found forgiveness and peace with my first husband. There is no blame left in my heart. God shows me my mistakes so that I can change my behavior.

I have more joy and peace in my life than I ever had. For the first time I feel content with who I am. I am by no means perfect, but my Father in heaven loves me anyway. He will never leave me. No matter what happens here on earth I have a home in heaven to look forward to.

Grace and Peace, Lori