In times past, no matter how dark the pit, how deep the valley, how painful the test, I ALWAYS KNEW You were there, even when I didn't FEEL You. Yet for some time now I have longed for a sign, a word, anything that would let me know that all I've been suffering is not for naught... that somehow in Your perfect plan even this nightmare I am living has a purpose and plan that is for my good. Your Word promises that.*
But I am now in a sort of Limbo where I can no longer hang on in faith and trust, for my faith has been severely shaken and my trust plundered. I feel as though I am hanging on to nothing but air and every time I try to grab on to something solid and safe, it vanishes from my sight, or remains just out of reach.
My brain reminds me that You are a loving God - merciful and just in all Your ways. But my heart feels abandoned, discarded, unloved. I feel lonely and stripped of my dignity. My life no longer has any meaning or purpose as I become more and more helpless.
Why, dear Father? Why will You not show Yourself to me so that I can have some comfort, some solace, some reason and purpose in this suffering and physical uselessness?
I fear even to admit this, but I have reached a sense of despair. I do not want to live. My last thought each night before I can finally ignore the pain enough - or when fatigue overcomes it, is my begging You to be merciful and to take pity on me... don't leave me here to face another hopeless, pain-filled day of loneliness and misery. Then the light of dawn comes and I grieve the beginning of another day just like the one before, and the hundreds before that ~ days, months & years that have left me hopeless, frightened, and without the joy or peace that were once my constant companions.
How well I recall years ago welcoming each new day with praises on my lips and joy in my heart! Another day to serve You - maybe even to have the privilege of sharing Your love with a lost or hurting soul. In fact, how well I can recall asking You to send the needy my way so I could share with them all You have done for me and been to me in the almost thirty years that I have been Your child.
But no more. As my disability initially made my house a prison; my body now as well has become a prison where none of the desires of my heart can be carried out, I have, after living this way over five years, do not see my existence as a real life, but rather a "life sentence" from which I long to be freed.
I know that ending my own life would be an abomination to You and possibly separate me from You for all eternity ~ so I wait... day by day, wait... in hopes that YOU will have mercy on Your child, and either heal me or take me Home to be with You.
Forgive me for expressing this despair, dear Father ~ but You know my thoughts before even I know them. You know me better than I know myself. I cannot hide myself, my thoughts, not the smallest most intimate secret from You for You knew me even before I took my first breath. You knew me, and indeed formed me in my mother's womb. With whom can I share this ugly secret if not with You who already knows it, and loves me still.**
Will I ever find my way out of this pit, or merely fall farther and more unreachably into it? How will I regain the peace and joy that were mine as Your child, and are still mine now, through Christ, though unfelt and unknown for some time now. How can I find my way back to Your realm - stop believing what I FEEL anddwell on what I KNOW to be Your Truth... then perhaps I can somehow see a reason for this pain and misery which has become my lot in life?
You, and You alone can guide me in the way of everlasting life. You are the Way, the Truth and the Life ~ I dare not turn from You.*** And yet I can not find You... I cannot feel You... I can no longer see Your hand of protection on my life as one disaster upon another befalls me. I am barely up and steady from one blow, when the next knocks me to my knees. And while trying to rise from that blow, another strikes, leaving me flat on my face. As I grope to rise and look for You, the rug is pulled out from under me and I am left bruised, pained, humiliated and alone.
I KNOW this is not Your will for Your children, and yet You do nothing to rescue me... each day brings new pain, new disappointment, new heartache, and the ever deepening sense of loneliness ~ the frightening sense that even You have deserted me, my dear Lord. Without You I am hopeless indeed.
Be merciful and deliver me from this valley of tears. Lift me out of this deep, dark pit and stand me once again on the solid Rock; in my physical being, and in the spiritual realm. Do not allow me to continue despising the thing I once cherished and for which I was so grateful. Do not allow me to mourn my existence as a heathen might, but to find the way to rejoice in the gift of life that comes from Your hand.
Help me, O help me, Father, before all hope is lost. Be merciful and grant me an end to this hardship I can no longer bear.
In Jesus' precious name I ask it,
Zelda
** Psalm 139 Tells how God loved us even before we were born, has a definate plan for our lives, knows us intimately and personally, and is aware of all we think & feel - if what we will say even before the first word is uttered. Read it for yourself!
*** John 6: 66-68 When Jesus' disciples misunderstood what He was teaching about eatiing His body and drinking His blood, many turned away from following Him. At this He asked His chosen 12, "What about you guys? You gonna leave me too?" They replied, "NO WAY!!! Where would we go if we left You... You alone have the words of eternal life" They knew Jesus was the real thing & though they may not have understood all He said and did until after the day of Pentacost when they were baptised with the Holy Spirit AND fire! Then they knew - they understood, they could preach with bold confidence all that Jesus spent three years pumping into them. That's in Acts chapters 1 and 2. Read it all for yourself and see what God's holy Word is saying to YOU!
Editor's note: Even if you are a godly Christian, no unconfessed sin, in the Word and daily prayer time, times like these can and will come upon you. Know you are NOT alone. It is NOT a sin to feel what Zelda was feeling when she wrote this. But it would have been a sin for her to allow it to become a root of bitterness, or the self destruction of self-pity. I emplore you, if you feel as Zelda did here: GET HELP from a reliable Christian counselor, the pastor or deacon of your church, or a godly woman whose life you have seen to be stable to help you get back on the right track. Feel free to hit the "E-mail" button to reach the Gardens and mention the gardener by name that you wish to speak to - maybe she can help.
You'll be happy to know that as she continued walking by faith and not sight (by what God's Word says rather than what she felt) Zelda is regaining her strong faith and trust in her Savior and Lord Jesus, and prays you will as well.
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