Secret Garden
She's waved the OK, so, let's kick back and chat a while.
I have a pitcher of "Polar Bear Tea", actually, it's iced herbal tea (but that 's a whole other story... if you're interested, remind me and I'll tell you all about why my oldest grandson and I have called it "Polar Bear Tea" for the past seven year. Children! They sure can bless you, can't they?!) But, as I was saying, I have plenty of iced herbal tea and an extra glass just for you. Come sit a spell, enjoy a sunset, and let me tell you something I just learned about recently that blessed my socks off!
I am disabled - have been almost 11 years now. At first it wasn't a big deal - there were just a few things each year that I found harder to do than the year before... But I figured at that current rate of digression I'd be 75 before I really got down and out and I still had plenty of spunk left in me then. I had hobbies galore, a business of my own that kept me busy most of the year but especially during the summer when we traveled throughout the North East selling my goods in fancy boutiques and gift shops and the like. Business was better ever year.
I also taught one semester per year for three years of Spanish in a Christian school, which I dearly loved. Sharing knowledge with young people who really WANT to learn is something nothing can replace. The gratification and satisfaction of actually SEEING the fruit of my work made up for the cut in pay compared to all the other things I did.
I also alternated in teaching an adult Sunday School class with two others, sang in the choir and sang specials as often as I could. Whatever was going on in church, I was involved... and I was always busy: made my own Christmas gifts, took care of my grandchildren (only 2 then) every chance I got, and lead what I'd call a full, normal and contented life.
I kept a neat house, was a terrific cook, and kept a smile on my hubby's face! I went to bed tired each night & with good reason! I was a fulfilled Christian woman whose life was a testimony, as much as is possible, and who lived for, worked for, and rejoiced in the love of my Lord.
Then in the course of four years I was no longer able to drive, sit or stand for more than a few minutes at a time, so I had to give up teaching, my business, doing much with any of the grandchildren - by that time there were four, except the oldest, who was self-sufficient by then & was even a help to me at 7 years old. The worst things I had to give up were cooking and going to church. Every time I tried to do either, I wound up in bed a day or more with such severe muscle spasms and pain it was unbearable. After about a year of forcing myself against my doctor's advice, I realized he was right - it just was n't the wise thing to do. (If you're wondering), this typing is done reclined with the keyboard on my lap in short increments of time as I feel that I can work without pushing myself.
Washing my hair, taking a shower, watering the garden, doing a load of laundry, folding and putting them away, making my bed, and just regular picking and straightening up can exhaust me worse than a full day's work, but then when it was time to sleep, I was usully in such excruciating pain, I couldn't without the help of very strong medications. These left me hung over, groggy and not "myself" til well after noon each day, and then I had to drag thru the rest of most days.
I HAVE LITERALLY HAD TO GIVE UP ANY REAL KIND OF LIFE AS I KNEW IT. I GO NO WHERE, EAT WHATEVER IS BROUGHT TO ME BY MY HUSBAND BEFORE HE GOES TO WORK, MY HOBBIES ARE ALL BUT GONE - AND EVEN READING WHICH HAS ALWAS BEEN A PASSION IS SLIPPING AWAY BECAUSE AS SOON AS I GET COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO LAY AND READ A WHILE - I FALL ASLEEP! NOT MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO, IS IT?!
That's been my life for well over four years now. So I became the Queen of Self Pity. The funny thing was, I never noticed it. I made excuses, complained how "it used to be" and the days when I "used to be able to..." but rather than pleasant walks down memory lane, they became opportunities to complain and feel sorry for myself - even call attention to others about "poor little me" and all my BIG problems. The TRUTH was, that is NOT at all what I wanted or was looking for.
It went on for years - bit by bit, no one came around anymore, not even my own children, except for a few very faithful friends who understood. I had driven everyone away. I had become more and more cranky and set in my ways. What began as simple requests to make things easier for me to deal with like having the couch for Bible study so I could use my heating pad and recline ... while others sat on the floor, complaining about how awfully hot I was (from medications and menapause) and asking to have the fan on or heat off so that everyone except me and maybe one other was comfortable. I started becoming very selfish - expecting people to make allowances for me - demanding others to concede for me... but all that while I NEVER saw it happening. I looked at it as, "Well, at least I'm out here doing and being involved instead of staying home and making excuses for myself!" All the while alienating others from me, becoming harder, more self absorbed and self -centered. And even when someone tried to point things out to me, I said, "She just doesn't understand... Let her walk a month in my shoes - she'll see things a whole lot differently."
My prayer life began to be affected. Though I still maintained a prayer book and really cared for the people whom I prayed, I payed more and more attention to MY situation, asking for relief from MY pain, MY handicap, MY limiting condition. It had become my own little world where I was comfortable - I left it less and less, welcomed people into it less and less. In short, it had become my personal prison.
I couldn't understand WHY God would WANT me like this when I was so much more useful in a whole body. My retired husband had to go back to work to keep me in doctor bills, medications, treatments, etc,. and I felt so guilty that I really had a pity party about that! I got to where prayer was just another opportunity to cry and complain and feet sorry for myself. All the while the enemy must have been having a ball. He had me just where he wanted me: wallowing in disappointment, which leads to discouragment, leaving me feeling defeated, and depressed, then finally, deep in despair. The five D's that ultimately lead to Death (either mental, spiritual, physical, or all!)
Now I can't say at this time I am completely where I need to be... but more and more I am learning that my Father is in control of my life, every area of it, even the things that don't make sense, even the things that don't seem fair, the things that seem dounright cruel. Because He is too kind to be cruel, too just to do anything that is not for my best, too loving to hurt me, and He is not only God, the Creator of the universe, the One who keeps all things in order, He is my Father, and I'm the apple of His eye..
I began to steep myself in the Word and time in prayer. Not the kind of prayer where I tell Him what I want and go my way... more and more I began to listen. I was amazed at what I heard. The more I learned about who He truly is, not the cubby-hole I tried to make Him fit into, the more easily I could trust Him... first with little things, then bigger and bigger, until there is nothing I cannot trust Him with now!
I am reading Kay Arthur's "As Silver Refined" which has helped me to refocus my thinking and re-adjust my reactions. God can't be anything but Who and What He is... but as His child, I need to be more and more like Him each day.
I'll let you know how it is going. I have NOT given up on me - Don't YOU give up either. In our Father's hands we will find fullness of grace, completeness of mind, soul and spirit in Him, and everything necessary to be all He created us to be. I won't give up until I reach that place... How about YOU?
God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the differenece.
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Living one day at a time Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace Taking as He did, this sinfull world as it is Not as I would have it.
~~<<<*>>>~~
Trusting that He will make all things right If I surrender to His will That I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
~ Amen ~
by Reinhold Niebuhr
Serenity is God's will for me and all His precious children. So I am trying to get ME out of the way, so that HE can finally and completely have HIS way in my life in the tiny things and the BIG things. I didn't get into this mess overnight, and I know that it will take some time and work and patience , and obedience for me to get there... But the great thing is that THIS is NOT an "unreachable dream" For you and me it CAN be our life now, in the future and until we go HOME to be with Jesus forever.
If you too are struggling with depression, discouragement, and the things I mentioned... If you are tired of battling and living in constant struggle rather than serenity, if you want a change, and you want to contact me, just click the email button. One thing I firmly suggest is that you see your family doctor. Sometimes these things are caused by medical conditions and can easily be remedied. We women are complicated creatures - just as God intended. So first be sure you are physically healthy. Then you can pursue the spiritual and emotional parts of who you are.
One very valuable lesson I learned long ago: I am a spirit (created in God's immortal image) who lives in a body and has a soul. If I have my priorities right and take care if the MOST important things first, everything else seems to fall into place, you see I DO NOT have all the answers, I'm not sure I even know all the questions yet, but I DO KNOW THE SOURCE OF ALL ANSWERS - the One who knows all I need to know & Who is at my disposal 24/7. All I have to do is call out to Him!
Your sister, who like you, is struggling to stay on top,
J.Raphaela
Email:
[email protected]
"Love Borne On Angels' Wings"
