Back to Julia's Home Page.

Narcolepsy and Nonsense: An Introduction to Heck

By Emily Rasely, Carrie Page, and Julia Ma

Back to the AP English Home Page.

This is a collection of poems that have been "altered" to fit our purposes. Enjoy!!

1. The Adversary

A teacher's hardest to forgive.

Answers are the fruit she longs to hand you,

Right on the test. And while you live,

Relentlessly she grades you.

- Poor Misfortunates

2. The Red Barbecue Grill

so much depends

upon

a red barbecue

grill

doused with lighter

fluid

frying the dead

chickens

- Bill Called William

3. Lit and Language

Some say the year will end in language,

Some say with lit.

From what I've smelt of sewage

I hold with those who favor language.

But if through it twice I had to sit,

I think I know enough of pain

To say that for the college lit

Is too insane,

And would write my obit.

- Jack Frost's Little Brother Bobby

4. The Hound

English the hound

Equivocal

Comes at a bound

Either to fail me

Or to pass me.

I cannot tell

The teacher's intent

Till she has sprung

At my bare grade

With teeth or tongue

I stand mentally flayed

And wait the event.

- Robert Francis

5. Upon Julia's Snore

So harsh, so crude, so dissonant is thy snore

Even the condemned doth hear thy roar.

Reverberating (upon thy unforgiving desk)

Shaking concentration in manner most grotesque.

- We Plead the Fifth

6. Inscribed Upon the Face of the Franklin Which I Gave to Her Royal A.P. English-ness in Hopes of Attaining a Respectable Grade (Preferably an A)

I am your English-ness' student at school

Wilt thou not giveth an A to this sorry fool??

- Hope and Charity

7. The Computation

For the first twenty years since last class day,

I scarce believed I hadst ever been away.

For forty more I wrote some great essays

And forty on hopes that my mind not dissolve in haze.

Tears drowned one hundred, and essay grades two

A thousand I could neither think nor do

Or not write, all being one mood of blue.

In a thousand more, forgot homework too.

Yet call not this procrastination; but think that as

I, by being lazy, effectual. Can slacker's pass??

- John's Done

8. For a Student

I saw on the slant desk a dead student,

Propped with essays. The sleep looked deep.

The face nudged in the green insert

But his brains could no longer think.

Where's the student?? whose dogged learning

Brought him to devastation.

Say he's dreaming about chocolate,*

Say, there's a student in the essays.

*Probably Cause of Death: The extreme lack of chocolate during the lit. test.

- Ms. Cocoa

9. A 5 Deferred

What happens to a 5 deferred??

Does it dry up

like a puddle in the sun??

Or does it Carrie away

All summer's fun??

Or doth it require greater feat;

Than I could e'er endeavor-

Nor hope to compete.

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode??

- Langston Hughes's Apprentice

10. Nate Pile

Little Nate Olsen

Sat in the sun

Contemplating the while.

he read the book,

With consternated look,

And said, "Boy, this is a pile!!"

- Anonymous to protect the guilty

11. The Apparition

When by thy scorn, O murderess, I am dead,

And that thou thinkst thee free

From all solicitation from me,

Then shall my ghost come to thy bed,

And thee, feigned fair, in worse straits shall be;

Then thy sick taper will begin to wink,

And me, whose grade did plunged, being high before,

Will, if thou stir, or make to fix it, think

Thou fix'st some more,

And in false sleep will from thee shrink.

And then, poor frightened wench, terrified, thou,

Bathed in a cold quicksilver sweat, wilt lie

A verier ghost than I.

What I will say, I will not tell thee now,

Lest that preserve thee; and since my grade is dead,

I had rather thou shouldst lie painfully abed,

Than by my threatenings rest easy in your head.

- John's Done

12. The Book Not Taken

Two Books converged in an English class

And sorry I had to read any at all

And be one reader, time I did pass.

Deciding upon which one to bash.

(And then threw one at the wall)

Then took the other just as fair,

And having, perhaps, the lesser toll,

Because it was shorter than Jane Eyre

Still, of a decision, I did despair

And wished to grind them both beneath my sole.

And both that class equally lay

Upon shelves warped by their weight

For my choice I knew I'd pay.

Yet knowing it would turn my days grey,

And imbue me with Raskolnikov's hate.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere classes and classes hence.

Two books converged in English and I-

I took the one where more people die

And that has made all the difference.

- Jack Frost's Little Brother Bobby

13. A Brief Summary of Emily Dickinson-

Death-

Last gasp-

Denouement-

Slain-

Gabriel's trumpet-

Crack of Doom-

Celestia's visit-

Hades-

Annihilation-

Final gasp-

Defenestration-

Death knells-

Ending twitch-

Asphyxiation-

Cadavoring-

Sepulcherize-

Ultimate rip-off-

Croak-

Kick the bucket-

Conk off-

Pushin' up daisies-

Perish-

Expire-

Post moredum-

Run over by a Zamboni-

Bite the dust-

Tea with the Devil-

Expurgated from Life-

MG-42-

Claymore-

Cutlass-

Keel-hauled-

Marooned-

Walk the plank-

Davy Jones' locker-

Napalm-

Burning pitch-

To disappear-

Go poof-

To be Donne-------------------

The Top "10" Signs You've Been in A.P. English Too Long

When you see literary devices in your history book.
When you speak in iambic pentameter and rhyming couplets.
When you finish something and you say you are Donne.
When you sleep through half the essay time and still get a 9+.
When everything is a pile.
When you shop for a red pickle dish.
When you see wittle owd wadies walking down da stweet, and you want your axe.
When you catch yourself looking for a paragraph longer than six pages.
When you date a new girl, you check wit the local oracle to make sure she's not your mother.
When you refuse to step on bugs, because tomorrow it could be you.
When you legally change your name to Tea Cake, 'cause youse really as sweet as all dat.
When you feel the urge to exclaim "dear reader" every third sentence.
When you feel the need to change your given name to that of Ernest.
When every statement you utter must have at least two pieces of evidence to back it up.
When you decide to become a suicide sledder when you grow up.
When you can accuse your physics teacher of being verbally, situationally, and dramatically ironic at the same time, and be right.
When you wish all your teachers had nooks into which they could disappear-
When you begin to initial your papers with B.S. because you're sooo good at it.
When you write too many Tessays.
When you attempt to out-do each other in thesis statements by extreme wordiness and lack of sense.

Well, we hope you enjoyed that break from the real poetry you read in JudyMac's AP English class!!

Back to the AP English Home Page.
Back to Julia's Home Page.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws