Good Evening

I know that most speeches are made to bore people. That is what most are for. To bore people so much, that the rest of the evening has to be better. But I have decided not to stick to that rule, because as you are going to enjoy this evening anyway, I can make my ‘speech’ more interesting.

So, instead of a speech, I have produced a list of thankyou’s that are due.

Firstly, to all of you. Here is a line that I got from my Dad’s Bar-Mitzvah speech: Thank-you all so much for your presence, in both senses of the word! But seriously, we all really appreciate every one of you being here to celebrate with us. We hope we will be able to do the same for you, (if we haven’t already)

Next, to everyone who has trekked many miles from abroad We have Joan and Boris from Cape Town, Nicki and Aaron from Berlin, Debbie and Russell and the boys from Manchester, and Susan and Martin and the girls, all the way from Birmingham. Thank you to all of you for travelling so many miles to be with us.

Now, a thank-you to Deborah For those “kind” words, and “not-at-all-embarrassing” stories. (COUGH) But really and truly, you are actually wonderful, some of the time. No, let me rephrase that, most of the time. But the rest of the time, it just feels like a normal family, arguments, wimpish, weak sisters, starting losing battles against their million-times-stronger brothers! Mostly, though, you are great, and I would like to give you a little something to show that I mean it. (present her with the CHI on a chain)

Andrew I would like to give you my greatest thanks for putting up with me for basically all your life. Through Belmont nursery, 3 years at Grimsdyke school, and then keeping in contact ever since. It must show some real friendship to do that. Thank you so much, Andrew, for that fabulous speech. I’m so glad that you did one to me after I did one to you at your party. Another sign of friendship. I hope that we continue to be just as good friends as we are now for many more years to come.

Now, one of the most important thank-you’s. The organiser, My mum, I suppose my dad is there in brackets. As you probably know, without her, it’d just be: Call round a few mates a couple of hours before, stick up a few balloons in the lounge, move the sofas to the side, put My now 48 CD on all night, and order 10 pizzas from pizza hut. But thank goodness My Mum did organise it. Doesn’t she look amazing today? You can hardly see those about-to-burst stress lines! She has organised the party, the luncheon, the food, the décor, the invites, everything

Grandma Erna Thank-you so much for hosting our luncheon, it was really wonderful of you to support us so greatly on my Bar Mitzvah.

Grandma Val Thank-you so much for making the massive effort to be with us all weekend, even after the recent loss of you left leg.

I think both of you look and are amazing, and I would like to give you both a small momento of this special day. (Present them with photos)

Now I think a very big thank-you is in order for my teacher, and coach, Andrew Bowman, who taught me my portion wonderfully, and almost as calmly as I learnt it. Unfortunately, though, he isn’t with us tonight.

Mum And Dad Thank-you both S O much for guiding me through all my life so far, so wonderfully. It has been one amazing ride, and I hope it continues to be.

Now for the final, ‘family’ thank-you. My Grandpas. Firstly, Papa Rod For his golf clubs which are a permanent reminder of him, and which me and my dad use regularly Next Grandpa Heinz For all of his amazing watches and pens which give us hours of fiddling with, and admiration for. Finally, to both of them. Thank you for helping me through me very early life, and making it great. Thank-you for making everything go right from up above. I’m sure that you‘ve helped create this incredible atmosphere here.

Now onto the more funny and interesting thank-yous.

Firstly, to Marks and Spencer’s (PAUSE)

Here’s the story: As many of you know, I had my Merchant Taylors’ Exams on the Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at the end of January. On the evening of the Friday, with only two exams on the Saturday, I was eating a Marks and Spencer’s toffee to keep me going till dinner. Unfortunately, I had forgotten about my capped tooth, and it’s only weakness: the deadly army of toffees. These seemingly harmless sugary sweets, immediately attached themselves to my fake half tooth, and pulled it off, exposing half of the remaining live tooth. I was rushed to the dentist at half-nine that night, to have it replaced. So the thankyou goes to M&S for helping me get out of revising that night.

Next, I would sarcastically like to thank packaging department of Heinz tomato ketchup. Here’s another story:

On Friday in half term, we had our casual photographs with the photographer in Bushey. My mum had, as always, laid out what I was to wear on my bed. I was told to get changed at 1:45 to leave at 2:00. My mum and sister were out having their hair done. So, I changed at 1:45 into a lovely brown shirt and jeans. My dad got changed too. He thought that it would be a good idea if we set the table for Friday night dinner as a nice surprise for when my mum and sister came home. So we set out the cutlery and the place mats. Then I decided to put out the little bowl of ketchup, as we always do. So I took the near empty squeezy bottle out of the fridge, took down a little bowl, and shook and squeezed, to get out the remaining ketchup. I put the bowl on the table and thought nothing more of it. Until my dad pointed out that there were speckles of ketchup all over my clean shirt that I was meant to wear for the photographs. So I had to change. Mum went spare, understandably, and now, whenever we look at my Bar Mitzvah photos, she will always remember that I was wearing the wrong shirt! So a sarcastic thank-you is in order to the packaging department of Heinz Tomato Ketchup, for giving us a dodgy bottle, that we will always remember when we look at my Bar Mitzvah Photos!

Finally, another sarcastic thank-you. To a school “friend”. Most of you have heard about, and some have even seen the lump and the bruise on my forehead, and heard about the horrific consequences. In fact, I was feeling so bad on Wednesday, that the insurance forms were out, ready to cancel the whole thing! I shan’t mention who it was, Ali, but fortunately I am o.k. The reason for my week-long absence from school, T.V., table-tennis, gameboy, computer, synagogue, and any other fun, is because Ali smashed a door into it last Friday. So the second sarcastic thank you for spoiling bar-mitzvah photos, and almost the whole Bar mitzvah, goes to Ali. P.S. No hard feeling there Ali!

Well, that’s the end of my speech, now you can wake up the people sitting next to you, and tell them to enjoy the rest of the evening.