October 9, 2001

 

The view from our block apartment hasn’t changed.  People still go about their daily routines and things in Silistra are like they were before September 11.  The topic of conversation among the elderly people sitting at the bus stop is still the price of vegetables.  But as I read my Newsweek and hear from home, I hear a lot of fear and anxiety.  We check the Internet daily for news updates and have fallen asleep, for the last two nights, knowing that our bombs were falling on Afghanistan at the same time.  Flashes of news go across our screen as we watch the English movies with Bulgarian subtitles.  On Sunday, CNN was rebroadcasted and we saw the night vision camera picking up green puddles and flashes of light.  They said it was Afghanistan – it could have been anywhere, we couldn’t see anything.  And as CNN twirled the 3-D images of the missiles on our screen and gave us the profile of each missile and its intricate capability, I got a little nauseous.  We’ve come a long way, baby?  I hope our sophisticated ways of killing people doesn’t make us proud.  I hope the decision that we’ve made to attack Afghanistan feels like a necessary evil that nags horribly upon us.  I hope we don’t go to sleep feeling that taking lives for other lives is still the best decision.  We have more potential than that. 

 

Patriotism has erupted in me and I’ve heard myself say things about attacking another country that I thought I would never say.  The sight of an American fighter pilot giving the thumbs up to a crewmember on the deck of an aircraft carrier has given me patriotic chills.  All these feelings can easily blot out that the fact that more people will die.  We are already too far into it to turn and quit.  Some people are calling for a peaceful response at this point and to reassess American foreign policy and to see what we have done to bring such a horrible thing upon us.  This isn’t the time to soul-search.  And as much as I never thought I’d say this, it’s time to fight – and fight hard.  The awful corner that Americans and many other countries have found themselves in has presented few appealing options. 

 

I saw American service men and women in Sofia last weekend, mostly on leave from duty in Macedonia and Bosnia, and I have a newfound respect for them.  And our work here as Peace Corps volunteers has taken on a new dimension as I realize that we’re representing America during a time of crisis.  What an incredible time to be a Peace Corps volunteer, essentially an ambassador for America.  All the good and bad that people see in us, simply because we’re Americans seems to come out even more.  Some of my students agree with the idea that America is finally tasting the suffering of the rest of the world, while most of my students and colleagues sympathize with the victims and condemn the attacks.  I have to admit that my paranoia meter is up and I checked our door to see if it was locked as the attacks started on Sunday night.  There was nothing to worry about.  We are incredibly safe here in this corner of Bulgaria.  We’re just afraid of what may happen next.  We’re afraid of another attack in America and how that will affect the rest of the world. 

 

We both feel very well informed by Peace Corps and the US Embassy.  We are in more danger of getting a crazy taxi driver who will overcharge us and tell us our Bulgarian sucks, than being in danger for our safety and lives.  We are worried about our family and friends, and hope and pray that no more attacks will reach America or any other country.  It seems that the end of this could be very far away and it’s beginning to feel like it may never really be stopped.  I hope that the threat that many of us feel now will seem like a distant memory in some years.  The real threat that I felt when my elementary school practiced for possible nuclear strikes during the cold war now seems like an outdated and ridiculous notion.  That constant feeling of possibility of attack can begin to burrow itself into our minds and cause us to react in ways we normally wouldn’t. 

 

Bulgaria is a peaceful country at the moment and would rather focus its energies on attracting new businesses and eventually joining NATO and the European Union (at least the majority of Bulgarians want to be a part of NATO and the Union).  The idea of joining a battle and expending itself on its military wouldn’t be that smart of a thing to do at a time like this.  So Bulgaria has offered its airspace and landing fields to America – a great gesture.  

 

Part of me would really like to be back in America, to sift through all this and be among other Americans.  But we both agree that what we’re doing here, at a time like this, is incredibly important and hopefully will be the right choice – the preventative choice – to avoiding more world wars/crises in the future. 

 

Peace –

Josh