A Few Thoughts On Alcohol & Philosophy
By Joseph Waldman
16 March 2009
"To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!" -- Homer J. Simpson (the "J" stands for "Jay")
"That which does not kill me makes me stronger" applies in most cases except when you're in college and madbad and dangerous to know and decide to guzzletoke three-quarters of a bottle of "Mark Twain" brand Bourbon. The next morning I awoke to find the carpet splattered with blood-red chunx. "Fuck!" I thought with what few brain cells were still functioning. "I've destroyed my liver." Then I passed out again for a few hours. When I awoke again I realized it was the tomato sauce from last night's spaghetti dinner. Meanwhile I'd forgotten to re-cap the whiskeybottle and a bunch of fruitflies had found their way in, drunk up several inches of what was left, and drowned in their own alcoholic poison. I don't know what the moral of this story is except that I now stay away from brown liquors except at Christmas.