They're off! Like Donkey Kong, but better
From The Left
by Joseph Waldman
10 October 2001

This being a time of great strife and unusual happenings, from the start of World War III to yours truly largely agreeing with two of Beth Schwan's columns in a row, it seems perversely appropriate to start handicapping the contenders for that glorious donkey race leading up to the 2004 Democratic nomination for the Presidency.

Well, why not? With all luck this war will be over by then, and the American people can show their appreciation to George W. Bush for his courage and steadfastness by booting him out of office. That's the democratic way--remember, it happened to Churchill (who was a dictator, but whom I've been looking up to for comfort more and more since Sept. 11, in addition to listening to the Dictators' Go Girl Crazy! for at least three hours a day). Anyway, even if it isn't over by then, Lincoln in 1864 and Roosevelt in 1944 made sure the elections those years went on as scheduled, and I don't think Dubya would buck the trend here.

Curtains up; drumroll, please...

The biggest name--literally--is Al Gore, who has a number of advantages, most prominently the fact that he actually won the last election. Plus, he was Bill Clinton's bitch for eight years. On the downside, no one really wants a Bush-Gore rematch, and I find it hard to fathom that a Democrat actually lost West Virginia. And Al's been showing some signs of mental disturbance, most notably growing an alpha-male beard and repeatedly gaining and losing forty or fifty pounds. So, to be fair, I also nominate Al Gore's fluctuating body fat and whatever beard trimmings he's rinsed down the sink.

Of course, I was for Bill Bradley in the primaries last time around; granted, he made a truly abysmal showing, but that's no reason not to love him. (On that note, I also nominate Michigan's own Geoff Fieger, former gubernatorial candidate. Loudmouthed half-Jewish verbal pugilists who used to live in Oak Park, unite!) That little heart problem could slow him down, of course--but at least it proves he has the organ.

John Edwards, whom I will see this weekend at the Athenaeum in Columbus, is a fast-rising star, often compared favorably to President Kennedy. But, hell, if we're on that route, why not nominate Ted Kennedy? He's been in Washington for a million years and knows the place inside and out, and I bet he could drink me under the table--that's the kind of strength we want in a President. On the other hand, Kennedys approaching the White House have an unfortunate tendency to develop severe lead poisoning, and you can still rhyme a lot of things with "Chappaquiddick."

Joe Lieberman--he bugs me. First, he stole over half of my name (and I don't care that he's thirty-seven years older). Second, my grandfather also was a short blond Orthodox Jew with Republican tendencies who once lived in Connecticut, but that doesn't mean I'd want him in the Oval Office. (In all seriousness, though, Lieberman's religiosity frightens me, and his conservatism is exactly what my party needs to rid itself of to once again become a guiding force in America. And, wherever you're reading this from, Papa Ben, I was only kidding.)

We've never had a President from Wisconsin, so why not Russ Feingold? He's endearingly honest, and he's got his name on that magic McCain bill--who doesn't love bipartisanship? But they'd probably have sleepovers ever couple weeks, just like elementary school kids, and I don't want McCain anywhere near the Oval Office, especially in or after a time of war. Plus, Feingold still persists in wearing that stupid monochrome shirt-and-tie look, which would make us the laughingstock of the entire Western world, by which I mean Italy. Same goes for Governor Grey Davis--I don't care if he's Jerry Brown's appointed heir; that dark blue shirt looks ridiculous.

Franklin Roosevelt never would have worn a shirt like that. And, he was the greatest chief executive we ever had, and we didn't have him nearly long enough, so...Fifth term! Fifth term! Constitutionally, I think he's still eligible. The Twenty-Second Amendment was worded to hold back Truman, and there's nothing in there anywhere saying the President technically has to be alive. After all, they let Reagan serve for two terms.

Finally, the strongest, most viable candidate of all, the one everyone's talking about: Joe Waldman. Smart, sophisticated, sexy, strategic; fourteen years from eligibility but that's a small matter; acceptable to all; and brave enough to take on Ted Kennedy in a drinking match. I think that, if we muster enough support, this young star very well could sweep the primaries and take the nomination. So send your checks to Friends of Joe Waldman for President, care of this newspaper, payable to cash. Waldman 2004: What This Country Needs Is A Good Swift Kick In The Democratic Ass.