Columnist challenges readers: Bring it on!
From The Left
by Joseph Waldman
5 September 2001

So, the mantle has been passed. Hello, everybody. I'm Joe Waldman, your friendly new neighborhood "From the Left" columnist, twenty-one years old and a senior, a Detroit native and an unrepentant bleeding-heart liberal. We're a rare breed now, though I think the species has great potential for a comeback. It's an incredible honor to be here...whoops, sorry, I was reading from any one of President Bush's innumerable bland, Rotary-Club-quality schmooze-speeches since January 20. And even the speech that day was nothing special. I should know. I was there, stifling my laughter, wiping snot from my nose, and turning my back on all three inaugural prayers.

I realize that's a cheap shot, sniping at Dubya right out of the gate; in my first paragraph, no less. I apologize, but you do have to admit that it's too damned much fun to resist sometimes. At least it's a nonpartisan shot: the man couldn't give a decent speech to save his life, and that's beyond debate. As is he.

But I digress. In my next column, I'll deal with an actual "issue" of "importance" and "relevance," I promise. For this one, though, I think I'll answer a few questions submitted by you, the faithful readership. You see how good I am? This column isn't even three paragraphs old and already the mail sacks are rolling in. So, let's take a look-see...

Mr. Waldman, are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?

Ah, you crafty reader, you. The answer is no. Though I did once charge into the national CP-USA headquarters (in Manhattan, on West 23rd) and promptly got tossed out by a cadre who informed me that the building was strictly off-limits to anyone without a card. I have a partisan card in my wallet, but it's for the Democrats.

So you're a Democrat?

Yes.

One of those drunken ethnic Catholic urban bleeding-heart warmongerers?

Hey. No fair. I think I liked it better when you thought I was a Communist. One accusation at a time. Drunken, sometimes. Ethnic, well, I'm half Anglo-German, but also half Eastern European. Catholic, no, although I did see the Pope once, and somewhere out there exist photographs of the great Matt Zielenski, of "In Righting" notoriety, pretending to sodomize me, which I think even the Vatican will admit makes me an honorary Catholic. And, since all of suburban Detroit is actually urban ("Metroit," a city unto itself), I'll say yes to that one.

And, "warmongering"? Yes, I admit Wilson and Roosevelt were there when we got into the world wars, Truman dropped the bomb, LBJ was the first to really bog us down in Vietnam, and Clinton warred on Iraq and Yugoslavia in such an inept and thinly veiled manner that I seriously considered leaving for Canada at the end of my freshman year at OWU. But I come from a long Waldman line of fake pacifists. My great-grandfather skipped out of Austria-Hungary about two weeks before Franz Ferdinand got blown up; my grandfather had a heart problem and couldn't fight in World War II; my dad decided to stay in college forever to avoid being drafted in the late sixties; et cetera. And, anyway, I don't like to spread guns on my toast in the morning.

Hey, Joe, what was your favorite joke last autumn?

That "Bush and Gore" sounded like a snuff film. I also had a good one, tangentially related, about someone I knew in high school named Nader, but no one here would have gotten it. (The punchline: "So, what Jiddou?" Like I said.)

Whaddya think of this "ProgressOWU" thing?

Well, on the one hand, I like to see college students trying to think about issues. On the other hand, I really don't like it when college students try to think about issues. Myself excluded.

Will you ever, in your column, do a David Letterman-style "top ten list" like some other writers do, say, "top ten reasons why George W. Bush is a schmuck"?

Of course not. In the first place, it's too easy for a liberal writer to jump all over Dubya like that (pay no heed to that little instance at the beginning). And it would be a cheap trick, like a pun, or a sly pop-cultural reference. I want you to want me, or my column anyway, for my/its own intrinsic political merit.

So, what qualifies you for this column, apart from being a liberal and a good writer?

Well, Laura Reed handed it down to me (we were drinking buddies, as well as political allies). There are some times when I'm all for monarchical succession, after all.

That's not very democratic of you.

Hey, I'm a pure democrat and very antimonarchical in all other aspects of my life. Allow me a few idiosyncrasies.

Idiosyncrasies? Got any others?

A few. I suppose the death penalty (almost) unhesitatingly. And, while I'm all for gay rights, and have several gay friends and relatives, I'm iffy on the marriage issue, though partnership benefits certainly ought to be allowed. There are others, too, but I'm running out of space here.

Do you take constructive criticism? What about destructive?

Hell, yes. Bring it on. Write to me care of the Transcript, or e-mail me at [email protected].

Should I prepare ever to be insulted or offended?

Well, probably. But that's part of what being at a university entails: developing a thick skin and the ability to ANALYZE the offense in question. Consider this column a fifth, or sixth (or maybe even fourth? Good Lord, how few classes are some of you people getting away with?) credit for the semester. Suck it up, and ponder for yourself, and keep a-readin'.