I've always known that I was gay all my life. I thought it was a phase that I was going through when I was very young. I thought that I was going to change and I did not want to mention that this is going on in my mind at all. I kept it all hidden. 6th grade entered and I was starting to get really scared. All my friends started talking about the opposite sex and how they want to date this girl/this boy. I lied to them, I told them that I wanted to date this girl too, but in reality, I wanted to date other guys. My religion, society and my family made me keep my mouth shut about this issue and I had no one to talk to.
7th grade through Sophomore year was hell. I walked around everything with a smile on my face, but inside I was dying. I had this secret, a secret that confused me so much and I needed/wanted to talk to someone about it but I didn't know who to approach. Again, I kept it all inside. I was also scared that my friends would find out if I didn't date girls so I started to date girls just to try to prove to them that I wasn't gay. I had sex with girls and told everyone about it. I never liked it. I hated lying to people. I told myself that maybe if I look at that girl harder or if I have sex with one more girl that I will become straight, that this gay feeling would go away, sadly, it didn't. I did everything to mask my gayness. Dating girls was one thing, acting very straight was another and joining sports was my last resort. If i was masculine enough and I did what all my friends did, I would become straight, I thought. Nothing worked. I even resulted to wishes, pathetic at it might sound. I wished everytime I blew my candle out for my b-days, every time 11:11 pops up on my clock, every eyelash I blew, to make me straight. I prayed to god and asked him why he is doing this to me. I believed in Him so much and I felt like he let me down, I felt like he turned his back on me and I couldn't understand.
I couldn't take all these stress anymore. School was stressing enough, I always had to get A's in my classes or my parents would get mad at me. I had sports to deal with and I couldn't even come home until after 7. My way of escape from all these pain was to do drugs. My parents were also divorcing and it made me feel likes shit. I was so used to this family and now its falling apart. Pot, E and drinking was great. It made me forget that I had all these bullshit to deal with. I knew it was unhealthy but this was my only happiness.
One night, I was just so depressed, this was early Sophomore year. There were so many thoughts running through my head. God only knows what I was on that night and I decided I was just going to kill myself. I put a bottle of pain killers and took a pill. At the same time that I was doing this, thoughts of wanting to live went through me. I had so much goals that I want to achieve and my family and many friends that I didn't want to disappoint. I had to tell somebody first, maybe they'll help, and if they don't, then at least I would know how people will react and then I know that I can kill myself without so much guilt. Who was I going to approach about this and the one person I thought of was Ms Lowinger. I've spoken to her about problems I've had before, she is the school counselor.
The next day would change my life forever. It was 3rd period right before lunch and I went in her office. I sat down and she asked me what I wanted to talk about. I looked on the floor and just said that I was gay. It finally came out. I couldn't look at her, I didn't want to see her reaction because my fear was she had this get the hell out of my office, Im disgusted by you face. I couldn't believe what she did though. She put her hand on my knees and asked very gently, "Are you ok?," and "how are you doing?" I just started crying. I just told this person that I was gay and all she wanted to know was if I was alright. We talked for so long after that and I told her everything. It felt like the weight of the world wasn't on my shoulders anymore. This was the beginning of a new beginning....STORY:PAGE 2