| Let me introduce myself to you. My name is Shelly and I am a 23 year old social worker living in England, UK. I am also the mother of one daughter whose name is Josephine Bethany. This is my story: Josephine was conceived on the evening of 16th December 2002. Her conception unfortunetly was not one born out of a loving relationship but from fear and desperation. Little did I know in the following days that she was growing inside my womb. In fact, a month had passed until I recognised the possible signs. The signs of pregnancy filled me with fear. Alone and frightened I took a home pregnancy test awaiting the results praying it would be negative. Looking down at that blue line I broke down in tears. I can't be pregnant not me I thought. I was a young single woman, had just moved cities and begun a post graduate course at university, struggling to survive financially and suffering from mental ill health problems. This was not the right time to be having a child. It still seemed so unreal. I contacted a couple of friends and shared the news with them and their responses too were disbelief and that this was not the right time for me to have a child. But I had to face facts I was pregnant whether it was the right time or not, well maybe I thought, what if it was wrong? Hopefully I booked an appointment with a doctor. However the doctor refused to give me a pregnancy test but confirmed the likelihood of the test I took to be accurate. I sat there in disbelief. I was told to go away and think about what I wanted to do and book another appointment in a weeks time. Think about what I wanted to do? What was she talking about? It wasn't what I wanted at this stage but it was happening I was having the baby I had always longed for. You see I have wanted children all of my life, I worked with children, I loved children. I even began to get occassional bursts of excitement. My dream was coming true of being a mother/ Abortion was out of the question. This was not something I believed in how could I even contemplate it? Or so I thought, but I did, the seeds of doubt began to enter my mind. I was scared and confused at how I would handle having a baby now I thought financially, physically, mentally and emotionally I was not stable enough and I began to panic. The panic was coupled with the lack of assurance from friends and family. I had only told my mother to afraid to let my father know as I felt a huge dissapointment. I loved my family so much and know how much they had sacrificed for me and how much I had put them through the years, I thought this would be the final blow. I desperately tried to make plans that would work, I thought about working throughout my pregnancy to raise money and continuing my studies until the birth then have a year out and even considered adoption. But I did not have the strength or encouragement that this would be possible. My mother and friends did not support my plans. I began to become very sick, it started with the odd occassion of morning sickness but grew into being sick every single day. I had got the condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum which is a severe form of persistant morning sickness. I became so weak and tired unable to go about doing anything I feared I would not be able to carry out any of my plans so I went back a couple of weeks later and told the doctor to arrange an abortion. I remember the morning so well, it still haunts me on some days and nights. My mother had traveled to take me to the clinic which had been arranged. Initially the doctor had booked me in for a couple of weeks later but concerned for my emotional and mental state my mother had arranged for it to be brought forward with my consent. I still wonder whether those couple of weeks may have made a difference in saving my child. I sat in the car numb not wanting to get out. I was on pilot going into the clinic and waiting. The time came to be took away, I looked into my mother's eyes praying that she would see this was not what I wanted, that she would turn around and say I didn't have to do this, that everything would be alright. But I never spoke my thoughts. In silence I left screaming inside I did not wish to do this. I felt so alone and scared as I lay on the operating table waiting. Following the procedure I felt relief that my sickness had left then I realised where I was. Instantly I knew my baby was no longer inside me, I felt the emptiest I have ever been in my life. My womb had been swept away of my baby. I attempted to composedmyself and waited to be discharged where I was greeted silently to my mother, that drive home was the first of my new life as a post abortive mother. Not only had my child died this day but something else inside of me. I spent a couple days resting in bed in and out of tears but then I tried to get on with my everyday life as suggested and put it all behind me. I couldn't though. The loss of my child, and guilt of my actions consumed every minute of my day. The only peace I thought would come was if my own life was taken. Thoughts of suicide rolled over and over in my head. I just wanted to be with my child and some days were so dark, death seemed my only fate. Having no-one or nowhere to talk about my pain, my shameful secret I searched online for support. I found a wonderful site www.safehavenministries.com. It was there I learnt I was suffering from post abortion syndrome (PAS). Through this website I took the post abortive journey towards healing and through this ministry I truly believe God saved my life. I found men and women who understood what I was going through, they gave me love, compassion and lead me back towards God. They showed me through Him I could be forgiven They encouraged me to attend post abortion counseling and a post abortion retreat. It has been the most difficult year and a half of my life since my abortion but also the most amazing as God has truly transformed me. I have gone from being a depressive suicidal young woman to finding forgiveness and healing. I will never forget the decision I made. It will always be my biggest regret but through my daughter Josephine I have been blessed. Her life has given me a new life as a mother one which I would not change. I am so proud of my little one in Heaven for I know she has touched many others hurting through me and that because of her I am dedicated to ensure other innocent babies are not lost the same way. So to my daugher I say thank you. Love Shelly Josephine Bethany's Mother Written on 28th August 2004 |
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