barroomjokes

On their thirtieth wedding anniversary, a couple decide to visit the hotal where they spent their first steemy night. just as she had done 30 years before, the wife emerges from the bathroom completly naked. "Tell me", she says to her husband, "What were you thinking at this point, 30 years ago?"
"I took one look at you" he replies, "And thought I'd like to screw your brains out and and suck your boobs dry." "And now?" she huskily asks. "Hmm.." he mulls, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"

Whilst seving a life sentence, a murderer escapes from prison. He breaks into a nearby house, and ties up the young couple he finds in bed. Bound to the chair, the husband is helpless to stop the murderer creep into bed with his wife, and starts to nuzzle her neck. After a while, he gets out of bed and leaves the room - and the husband takes this chance to speak to his wife. "Darling" he says, "Please go along with whatever he wants. If he wants sex, just give it to him, but don't fight him off. Our lives could depend on it!"
"Darling", replies his wife, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me earlier...he was saying that he thinks your'e really cute, and want's to know where we keep the Vasaline!"

After hours of heavy drinking, Bob is sitting at a bar looking through his bloodshot eyes, when he notices a blurry image sit down next to him. "want to hear a blonde joke?" he asks. The person sitting next to him replies, "listen mate, I weigh 175lbs and am the Womans kick boxing champion, and I'm blonde. My friend sitting next to me is also blonde, weighs 235lbs and is the womans arm - wrestling champion. My friend on the end weighs 400lbs, she is Europe's Power Lifting champion. She too is blonde. Now, do you still want to tell the joke?"
Bob porders for a whil. "Hmm..." he replied, "not if I have to explain it three times!"

A young brickie starts work on a site, and the boss sends him out for some cement. As dusk falls, he has still not returned, so the boss rings his mobile.
"Boss, I've Hit a pig!" the voice replies. The boss, sighs, then tells him to drag it off the road. "But he's not dead boss" says the brickie, "he's stuck on the bull bars!" "Never mind", says the boss, "there's a shotgun in the truck, kill it and then get home!"
Another hour goes by, but there's still no word. The boss rings him up again: "Whats the problem? did you drag the pig off the road?" Through the bad reception, he hears, "heah boss, But his motorbike is still jammed under the truck!"

Plucking up his courage, a young mans walks into a massage parlour for the first time. As he's not sure when to ask for the dirty deed, he lies on the bed, frustratedly getting more aroused. After a few minutes, the masseuse notices his growing erection. "Perhaps sir would like a wank?" she breathes. The man gulps, "Y-yes please" he stutters. With that, the lady leaves the room. She returns a full twenty minutes later, "Well", she says, popping her head around the door. "Finished?"

A man and his dog walk into a pub, and the man says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I bet anyone here a pint that my dog can dog." Soon after, the barman agrees, and true to the mans word, his dog speaks fluent english. Pouring the man his pint, the barman then says, "I bet you another pint that your dog cant fetch you a newspaper." The man agrees, and slips the dog a crisp fiver. "and i want the change!" he says.
An hour later, there is still no sign of the dog. Worried, the owner goes out to look for him, only to find his canine in a alley with the local bitch. "Oi" the man yells, "You've nevre done this before!"
The dog turns and looks at the man. "Well" he replies, "I've never had the money before!"

Jimmy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineerwas conducting the interview. "what would you do," askes the chief, "If the Northern Express was heading north on Route 1, but heading towards it was the Southern Central heading south, also on Route 1?"
Jimmy frowned, "I'd call my brother" he replies. The chief looks at him for a second, and then says, "why's that?" "Well" Jimmy replies, "he's never seen a train wreck!"