Title: The Importance of Being Rodney
Author: Joolz
Category: Slash, Challenge, First Time, Farce
Pairing: John/Rodney, other
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,500
Season/Spoilers: Season 2, no spoilers
Archive: StoryGate, Wraithbait,
Area 52
Notes: Written for the reel_sga
live journal challenge, this story is inspired by the 1952 film “The Importance
of Being Earnest”, based on the play by Oscar Wilde, which is a witty comedy of
assumed identities and true love in a Victorian setting. This one works out a bit differently.
*g* I’m no Oscar Wilde, but I hope it’s
entertaining.
Thanks to my wonderful
beta Lady Ra for her help with this story.
Summary: John wants Rodney to be himself.
Disclaimer: Not my lovely characters, just playing with
them.
Warnings: Silliness
******
Act I
It’s after dinner and most
of Atlantis’ staff is enjoying downtime, but John finds Rodney in his lab
hunched over his computer. There’s a
large stack of cucumber sandwiches with the crusts trimmed off at his elbow, and
Rodney is stuffing them into his mouth with one hand as the other continues to
tap at the keyboard. When John moves to
stand beside him, he manages to get a good look at what’s on the screen before
Rodney realizes he’s there and turns the monitor so that it’s hidden from John’s
view.
“So what’cha
doing?” John asks, fighting a grin.
Rodney looks at him as
though John has proclaimed it possible to blow a wormhole out of a drinking
straw. As though he were an imbecile, in
other words.
“Eating. What does it look like?”
John nods in
agreement. “Yes, the eating part is
obvious. Your cheeks are puffed out like
a chipmunk’s. I mean, what’s that on the
screen you’re hiding from me?”
“Now, if I’m hiding it
from you I’m not likely to tell you what it is, am I? There may actually be a reason for keeping it
away from your prying eyes, Mr. Nosey McSnoopy
Pants. I’m under no obligation
whatsoever to share that reason with you.”
John raises an
eyebrow. “I don’t know, I think it’s
pretty likely that you’re going to tell me.
A hundred percent probability, actually.
Oh, yes, Rodney,” he says with an evil leer, “I think you’ll definitely
tell me all about Ernest.”
Rodney’s eyes widen, his
face flushes, and his voice rises an indignant octave. “What?
Who? I don’t know anyone named
Ernest. How do you know about Ernest?”
John has the upper hand
and is going to savor making Rodney sweat.
“If there’s no one named Ernest, then I can’t know anything about him,
can I? Except that I do. It seems your finger slipped when you were
sending an email yesterday, and it came to me instead. It was signed Ernest, but I know it was from
you.”
“Of course it wasn’t,”
Rodney huffs. “I have no idea what
you’re talking about.”
John ignores him and
reaches into his jacket, pulling out a folded piece of paper. Waving it under Rodney’s nose he asks, “And
who, exactly, is Cecily?”
Rodney makes a grab for
the paper but misses when John snatches it back. Then, trying to look superior, Rodney
pronounces, “I’m sure I wouldn’t know. I
don’t even like celery. It’s too
green. And too long. Vegetables aren’t supposed to be that
shape. They’re supposed to be round and
chunky and good in stew. Have you had
cooked celery? It gets all mushy. Ew.” This is the end of the discussion as far as
Rodney’s concerned.
John smirks, waggling the
paper in his hand. “It’s Cecily, not
celery, but the mushy I’ll agree with.
The message you were replying to was dripping with female sentiment. This Cecily is obviously quite enamored of
you. Well, of Ernest, anyway. I know there’s no one on the roster by that
name, so who is she?”
Rodney’s mouth opens and
closes several times, accompanied by truncated annoyed noises. Then Rodney changes strategies, giving up his
denial. “No one for you to be concerned
with. We met in the creative writing
chat room on the Atlantis intranet.
She’s a pen pal, nothing more.
And none of your business.”
“A pen pal?” John
challenges incredulously. He opens the
paper and quotes, his voice mocking, “ ‘My
Dearest Sweet Ernest’? That doesn’t
sound like nothing to me. That sounds
like you inventing a fictitious identity in order to take advantage of
someone. If she thinks you’re sweet, she
obviously doesn’t know the real you.”
“Yes she does,” Rodney
objects. “She just knows a different
side of me. There’s actually a very
caring person in here,” he taps his chest with an index finger, “if you
bothered to look. She’s lonely and I’ve
been listening to her problems and offering sound advice.”
“Jeez, Rodney, are you
crazy? Offering a woman advice is like
shooting yourself in the foot. If she
takes it, she’ll blame you for screwing up her life. If she doesn’t, she’ll blame you for
distracting her from listening to her inner voice or something. Do you have a death wish?”
“It’s not that way at
all. Cecily is very appreciative of my
input. She’s sensitive and deep and I’m
sure she’s exceptionally pretty, too.”
“Ah, so you don’t know who
she is? I’ll bet she doesn’t know that
her darling Ernest is the most annoying person in Atlantis, either,” John
goads.
“Look,” Rodney tries to
explain with actual sincerity, as though that will sway John. “I’m better on-line than I am in person. We’ve made quite a profound connection. It’s special.”
No way is John going to let
him get away with that. “Oh yeah?” he
asks triumphantly, shifting so that he can point over Rodney’s shoulder at the
computer screen. “If Cecily is so
special to you, then who’s Gwendolyn?
She seems quite fond of Ernest, too.”
Rodney hits a key to minimize
the email window. “Do you mind! That’s a personal communication.”
“Personal?” John
chuckles. “I’ll say. You have to pay extra for that kind of
language on a 900 number sex line. What
chat room did you meet her in? The S & M Shack?”
“You would know all about
that,” Rodney observes, clearly trying to regain control of the
conversation. “No doubt you have
explored the seamy underbelly of Atlantis’ sordid after-hours lifestyles. You probably know the secret perversion of
every woman on this base. What, do you
have an index card file so that you can keep track of which props to take to
each assignation? Hmm? Who likes whips, who likes whipped
cream? I bet you’re very popular
yourself at the S & M Shack.”
John gapes, momentarily
stunned by hearing Rodney talk about kinky sex.
Then his eyes narrow with determination.
“Of course I am. Don’t change the
subject. Why are you having cybersex with this Gwendolyn person?”
Rodney throws his hands up
in frustration. “Why do you think? Cybersex is better
than no sex. And anonymity is
liberating. Probably never in a million
years would Gwendolyn do in person half the things she’s willing to do in the
privacy of her own terminal. It totally
works for me.”
John isn’t going to let it
go at that. “Don’t you mean she’d never
do them with you? She doesn’t know who
she’s electronically going down on, does she?”
Rodney sighs with
exasperation. “Of course not! That’s the whole point. We both get off and there’s no messy morning
after. No uncomfortable encounters in
the hallway. No soreness or
chaffing.” A smile indicating a happy
memory spreads over his face. “At least
not much.”
Shaking his head, John
prods, “Rodney, if I could figure out that that misdirected email came from
you, I know you can figure out who Cecily and Gwendolyn are. It’d be a piece of cake.”
“Yes, I could, but I
haven’t and won’t,” Rodney answers primly.
“That would be stalkerish. Besides, it’s working out great this
way. Cecily has a good friend, Gwendolyn
has a good lover, and I have both. I’m
not going to mess that up. It’s the best
thing I’ve had going since… since ever.”
His chin comes up defensively, but there’s a touch of melancholy in his
voice. “Apparently I can only have good
relationships with people who don’t know me.”
John is going to have to
do something about that later. For now
he isn’t done pushing. “Aren’t you even
curious about who they are?”
“No, and you stay out of
it. I don’t want you interfering.”
Cocking his head, John
asks innocently, “Would I do that?”
“Yes, you most certainly
would, Colonel. You’re perverse that
way.”
“Considering what you get
up to with Gwendolyn, I don’t think you should be calling me perverse.”
The exchange is interrupted
by a voice coming through both their radio earpieces.
“Dr. McKay to the Control Room.”
“What is it now?” Rodney
asks peevishly. “Have you managed to
damage the ten thousand year old equipment again? Oh, never mind. I’m on my way. Just don’t touch anything.”
McKay switches off the
monitor and herds John out the door. In
the hall, turning to John, he snaps, “Now that your prurient meddling has
disrupted the five minutes I was allowing myself for stress reduction THAT I TOTALLY
DESERVED, I guess I’ll go save the city from destruction by moron. Get your own life, Colonel.”
“This isn’t over, McKay,”
John warns.
As Rodney stomps away John
gets a very clear view of his middle finger.
After the scientist turns the corner John goes back to the lab. Approaching the computer across the quiet
room, he restores power to the monitor.
The email program is still minimized at the bottom of the screen. Feeling no remorse at all, he brings it back
up. After reading a few of the letters
from Cecily and Gwendolyn, he comes to a decision and sends each of them the
same message.
“I must see you in person. Meet me in the arboretum tomorrow at 5 pm.
Yours, Ernest.”
Act II
Katie Brown arrives at the
arboretum promptly at 5 pm, a plate of muffins in her hand as a gift to her
anonymous confidant. She’s the first to
arrive and stands nervously under a palm tree.
A couple of minutes later,
Miko Kusanagi walks in
holding a tube of edible body paint.
She’s surprised to see Katie there and pretends to study the leaves of a
rose-like plant, though they both know she’s a physicist and not a botanist.
The two women glance at
each other out of the corners of their eyes, warily trying to figure out if the
other is planning to stay around. When
neither makes a move to leave, Katie decides that maybe a more direct approach
will yield information.
“Lovely here, isn’t it?”
she asks.
“Yes, I agree,” Miko answers. “You
are in botany, aren’t you? Did you help
to plant all this?”
“Yes,” Katie says
proudly. “My specialty is exotic
flowers. Is this your first time here?”
“Yes, I’m meeting
someone.”
“Oh?” Katie asks,
surprised. “So am I. Someone very special. He’s the most generous, sensitive and
insightful person I’ve ever known. It’s
like he sees into my soul and understands everything about me. He’s my best friend.”
Miko thinks that’s all very nice, but that her date is
more deserving of the romantic atmosphere.
“I’m meeting my lover. I didn’t
think it was possible for a man to know a woman’s body the way he knows mine,
but no one has ever given me so many orgasms in one session before. His touch is like liquid fire.”
Katie stares, unused to
having someone she barely knows talk about sex like that. She’s not going to be outdone, however.
“My Ernest isn’t that
superficial. He knows that sexual attraction is ephemeral, and that what
matters is sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings.”
Now Miko
jumps, startled. “Ernest? There must be some mistake. Ernest is my lover. He is a totally carnal wild man, and lives
for physical sensation and excitement.
He thinks sentiment is a waste of time, and I agree. In this uncertain life we must take all the
pleasure we can.”
Katie takes a step back,
shaking her head. “We can’t possibly be
talking about the same person. Ernest
cites Byron and wants me to tell him everything that happened in my day. He’s the best listener I’ve ever known. Sometimes we talk all night about philosophy
and literature.”
Miko agrees, “Definitely not the same person. Ernest knows every secret place that sends
spikes of pleasure through my body. He
can keep me aroused for hours before he finally lets me come.”
Katie has to admit that that’s pretty
cool. “Wow. Who is your Ernest? Is he one of the new staff?”
Slightly embarrassed, Miko answers, “Er, I don’t know, really.”
“You don’t?”
“No. We met on-line. This will be our first encounter in the
flesh. I just know it will be the best
sex I’ll ever have in my life. Who’s
your Ernest?”
“Um, I don’t know either,”
Katie admits. “Ours is a spiritual
connection that doesn’t require us to be in the same room. I’m not sure why he wanted us to meet all of
a sudden.”
Starting to get
suspicious, Miko asks, “He told you to meet him here
at five?”
Katie looks at her speculatively. “Yes.
You?”
“Yes.”
“Hmm.”
They frown at each other.
The door slides open and
Colonel Sheppard walks in, cocky smile in place.
“Hello, ladies.”
“Colonel Sheppard!” Katie
exclaims.
Sheppard swaggers
closer. “You can call me Ernest, if you
want to. I’m glad to finally meet you
both in person.”
Shocked, Katie chastises,
“Colonel, I’m disappointed in you for carrying on an illicit relationship with
this woman. I thought Ernest had more
depth than that.”
Miko, on the other hand, is looking him up and down
with an appreciative smile. “Colonel, I
can’t say I’m disappointed it is you.
You are the hottest guy on this station.” She glares at Katie. “But I never agreed to a threesome.”
“Now, there’s plenty of me
to go around.” John assures them.
“Katie, you can tell me about your latest project in the botany lab
while I show Miko a good time. Everybody’s happy.”
Katie isn’t happy. “Humph!”
Miko’s frowns in disapproval.
getting the reactions he
was going for, John smirks. Ernest is
going down in flames.
The door slides open again
and Rodney comes storming in. He goes
straight to his antagonist, not even glancing at the women.
“Colonel Sheppard! I should have known you had something to do
with this. I got back to my work station
and found confirmation emails from Cecily and Gwendolyn for our meetings
today. I can’t believe you would move in
on my territory like this! You despicable….”
John interrupts. “Hey Rodney.
Meet Cecily and Gwendolyn.” He gestures
to Katie and Miko.
“Ladies, meet Ernest.”
The three of them stare at
each other in horror.
Miko speaks first, asking Sheppard desolately, “So
you’re not really Ernest? Dr. McKay is?”
John nods, with a wide,
pleased grin.
Staring at Rodney, Katie
gasps, “But you’re a pig! There’s no way
you could be the sweet, caring individual I’ve been corresponding with.”
Rodney clasps his hands
behind his back and rocks slightly, “Yes, well.
We all have our little disappointments in life, don’t we? I can say I actually preferred my imagined
versions of you two as well. They were
both blondes.”
Katie bursts into
tears. Dropping the plate of muffins on
a nearby bench, she covers her face with her hands and blindly rushes farther
into the arboretum. Miko
watches her go, then glares at the two men.
“You should be ashamed of yourselves.”
She turns and follows Katie until she, too, disappears behind a curtain
of green leaves.
Alone now, Rodney says,
“Colonel.” His voice is low and
dangerous.
“Yes, Rodney.” John sounds mildly curious.
“I’m extremely
annoyed. You are so going to pay for
this.”
Act III
Farther back in the
plant-filled room, Miko stands nearby as Katie’s
tears abate. Miko
says, “Can you believe Ernest is Dr. McKay of all people! I have always admired him as a scientist, but
I never thought of him as a sexual person.”
Her angry expression fades to dreamy.
“Colonel Sheppard, on the other hand.
I admit I have thought of him before.”
Katie nods in
agreement. “I could have accepted that
Colonel Sheppard was Ernest. I always
had the impression that there was more going on under that pleasant surface
than he let on. But Rodney! I can’t get over it. I feel like he’s been playing with me out of
spite, especially after that disastrous date.”
She peeks through the trees.
“They’re eating the muffins I brought!
Can you believe the nerve?”
Miko pats her arm sympathetically. “You poor thing. And you don’t work with him, so you don’t
know just how arrogant, selfish and offensive Dr. McKay can be. Those of us who are used to him have our ways
of coping.”
Interested, Katie asks,
“How’s that?”
“We try to give each other
the positive reinforcement that we need every time Dr. McKay destroys our
self-esteem or our confidence in our work.
We are really there for each other.”
Katie pouts. “At least you have them. I just lost my best friend.”
Miko says softly, shyly, “I could be your friend. It didn’t sound so bad what you had with
Ernest. I’d like you to tell me
everything you are thinking, share your feelings. I’d like to be there for you.”
“Really?” Katie’s eyes are wide. “I’d like that too. And you know, I’m not entirely opposed to
giving and receiving physical pleasure.
My relationship with Ernest just wasn’t like that. My relationship with you could be, though, if
you’d like.”
Miko’s smile grows less shy and more warm. “I would.”
They move closer together,
leaning in, until their lips touch in a tender kiss.
****
Meanwhile, back by the
door, Rodney glares at John. “So are you
going to explain yourself? After I told
you how much Cecily and Gwendolyn meant to me, you just had to go and ruin it.”
John ambles over to the
bench and inspects the plate, then picks it up and offers it to Rodney. “Have a muffin.”
His anger placated
instantly by the thought of food, Rodney says, “Oh, blueberry? I don’t mind if I do.”
He takes one, and John
does too. They chew for a minute, then
John says, “They’re good.”
“Mmmhmm,”
Rodney says distractedly.
Finishing the bread, John
addresses the other man seriously, “Rodney, those women were using you. They were getting what they wanted, but they
didn’t really care about you. You don’t
need them.”
Licking his fingers,
Rodney remembers where they are and challenges, “How do you know that? That may be the closest I’ll ever get to
having someone love me.”
John takes a step closer
to him. “No, I don’t think so. You should be in a relationship with someone
who knows who you really are and accepts you.”
Rolling his eyes, Rodney
huffs, “Right, like there’s anyone in the universe like that.”
John takes another step
closer and assures him, “There is. You
have a lot of good qualities, Rodney.
You’re funny and smart and brave and handsome. You can be sensitive when something really
touches you, and generous and amazingly loyal to the people you care
about. I know, because you’re my best
friend.”
Nonplussed, Rodney blinks
at him. “Uh. Really?
You think I’m like that?”
Now only inches from his
friend, John says softly, “Yeah, I really do.
I know we don’t talk about personal things a lot, but we could. I’m not a genius, but I bet we could have a
lot of good conversations. You don’t
need Cecily.”
Rodney is confused but
clearly hopeful. “Wow. That’s great.
I’d like that. I never thought
you would want to spend time with me that way.”
“Well, I do. And, you know, did you miss the part where I
said you were handsome? I bet you’re
great in bed for real, not just on-line.
If you wanted, maybe you could teach me some of the stuff you were doing
with Gwendolyn. I’m not a woman, but…”
Rodney speaks the truth as
he sees it. “But you are the most
beautiful person I’ve ever met.”
Pleased, John says,
“Yeah?”
Rodney nods
emphatically. “Oh, yeah. When people talk about things here in
Atlantis that are the most wonderful or amazing or stunning they’ve ever seen,
those things always pale in comparison to you.
I can’t understand why everyone doesn’t see it that way.”
Now John is very
close. He meets Rodney’s eyes and says
earnestly, “I know who you are and I love you.
I don’t want you to ever be anyone but Rodney.”
Rodney opens his mouth and
leans toward John, then pulls back nervously.
“I guess I’d better go break it to the girls that our correspondence is
over.”
Shoulders brushing, they
walk into the room and step around the wall of green. They stop when they see the two women engaged
in a passionate clinch.
John says, “Oh. I guess you don’t need to tell them after
all. Looks like they’ve already moved
on.” He grins. “Their loss is my gain.”
John looks at Rodney and
moves in to take the kiss he’s been wanting, and this time Rodney doesn’t
hesitate to embrace him. Their lips
press together and bodies gravitate toward each other until they can feel every
inch of the other’s heat. Their hands
roam, confirming that this is no cyber-fantasy.
This is real.
John breaks from the kiss
long enough to whisper, “Are you sure you won’t miss being Ernest?”
“Ernest who?”
End
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