Title: Hail Mary
Author: Joolz
Feedback: [email protected]
Category: Episode tag, Hurt/Comfort (emotional),
Pre-slash
Pairing: John/Rodney
Rating: PG
Season/ Spoilers: Season 2/ Grace Under Pressure and references
to several others in both seasons.
Word Count: about 3,000
Notes: Thanks to Lady Ra for the beta help.
Summary: “I have never until this moment had reason to
be ashamed of the people under my command on Atlantis.”
Disclaimer: Not my lovely characters, just playing with
them.
Warnings: none
~~**~~
People had looked at John
like he was demented when he actually whistled in the hall, so now he was
settling for a rhythmic bounce in his step.
It was two days since he and Zelenka had pulled off the Hail Mary of all
times and rescued Rodney from the bottom of the ocean. With help from a whale, of all things. Events
in the Pegasus Galaxy were often improbable, but as long as they kept making those
unlikely touchdowns, he wasn’t going to complain.
That’s why John was happy
– they’d cheated death once again. True,
everything didn’t always work out, the casualty statistics made that clear
enough, but there were certain people that he needed to be all right,
one in particular, and so far so good.
John was skipping down a
flight of stairs toward his office, which he’d chosen for its out of the way
location. He stopped when he saw the
gathering of about a dozen people on the lower stairs and landing. It was all military except for one blue
science shirt.
Rodney McKay was
surrounded by Marines, and it wasn’t a social gathering. John heard one of the men say, “You want to
explain that? Why you’re still here and
Sheppard expected his
friend to flay the soldiers alive for delaying him with pointless questions,
but instead he saw Rodney’s shoulder’s slump and heard a quiet, “I don’t know.”
The other men sensed
weakness and shifted subtly toward their quarry. One of them growled into Rodney’s face,
“You’re pretty dangerous to be around, aren’t you? We’re not so sure that’s a coincidence.”
Rodney cringed and John
frowned, then shouted, “Hey! What’s
going on here?” He pounded down the
steps separating him from the group. The
Marines’ postures improved, but they didn’t move away as John pushed between
them.
The man in front of McKay,
who appeared to be the ringleader, answered gruffly, “Just having a
conversation with Dr. McKay. Clearing a
few things up.” It was one of the guys
that had arrived on the last Daedalus run, just a
couple of weeks earlier. A lieutenant,
from his insignia – John had barely met him.
All the men in the group had arrived some time in the last several
months, except for Corporal Charles, who had come with the original
contingent. He was hanging around behind
the others looking uncomfortable.
John shot a look at Rodney
and wondered how a man could be pale and flushed at the same time. It didn’t look healthy. The way McKay was staring at his own feet was
totally unlike him, too.
John touched his arm and
asked, “You all right?”
Rodney nodded, but didn’t
look up.
Turning to the others John
ordered, “Now back off. Tell me what
this is about.”
Reluctantly, the men moved
down onto the landing and John followed, leaving Rodney on the fourth stair,
where he stood forlornly.
John glared, “Well, Lt.
Tavernier?”
The man’s chin lifted
belligerently. “I know I haven’t been
here long, but I’ve heard a lot about what’s been going on. We all have.
It’s just a little suspicious.”
His voice icy, Sheppard
asked, “What, exactly?” Whatever this
was about, they were going to get it out in the open and dealt with
immediately.
“The way people keep dying
under mysterious conditions around McKay.
Emboldened, another man
said, “It’s not right.”
Then another chimed in, “
John heard a noise behind
him as Rodney sat down heavily on the stairs.
He looked shell shocked, but John kept his attention focused on the
group.
Hands on his hips, he
asked sharply, “What else? Come on, what
else have you got stuck in your craws?”
Tavernier said, “There was
that scientist a few weeks ago that got nuked.
Everybody is saying it was McKay’s fault. And we heard about the guy on the Daedalus who got spaced.
How come he was the one in the air lock?
McKay was the only other person there.”
Another prompted, “And
what about that Dr. Grodin? Is it coincidence that he was on the space
station when it blew up and not McKay?”
Now they were talking
about people most of them had never even met.
John glared at Corporal Charles, who just shrugged and said, “Miller was
there, but now he’s dead, too. People
wonder.”
On a roll, Tavernier went
on, “And let’s not forget the guy who supposedly blew his own brains out. Pretty damn convenient for McKay, and no
other witnesses. Or how about that virus
thing? Everyone dropping dead right up
until it was supposed to be McKay’s turn, then
he suddenly finds a cure? Yeah,
right.”
This had gone on long
enough. John barked, “That’s it! Nobody say another word.”
Tavernier opened his mouth
to argue, but Sheppard got in his face.
“You do know who I am, don’t you, Lieutenant? You have noted where the chain of command
starts on this station?”
The man stood to
attention, mimicked by most of the others.
“Yes, sir, Colonel Sheppard.”
“Good.”
John stalked several paces
away and then back, pacing as he tried to calm down. He was angry enough to do serious damage if
he wasn’t careful. Just the recitation
of all those times Rodney could have died was enough to make him puke, and
these guys didn’t know the half of it.
John wanted to hustle Rodney, who was still sitting there glassy-eyed,
away and find another one of those personal shields for him.
But this had to be handled
right. If there were rumors like that
going around they needed to be stopped now.
Because, yeah, Rodney could really rub people the wrong way and there
were a lot of new personnel around that didn’t have the full perspective. In a situation of almost constant danger,
some would be looking for a scapegoat, and no way was that going to be Rodney.
It was one of the
drawbacks of John being the only military person on their field team. Before, Ford had been able to smooth things
over when McKay stepped on someone’s macho, testosterone laden toes. Teyla and Ronon had the respect of the
Marines, but not the same influence. And
John was the commanding officer, so he would be the last to know anything.
John was going to have to
make a lasting impression on these men.
Just another one of those things his pilot training hadn’t prepared him
for.
He stopped in front of the
group, faced them and said evenly, “Okay, I want you all to listen
carefully.” He looked each one in the
face until he was sure he had their attention.
“First of all, I have
never until this moment had reason to be ashamed of the people under my command
on Atlantis. I’ve always had the highest
regard for the men and women of this mission, who have faced impossible odds
with distinction and courage. Unlike the
crybabies I see before me right now.
“Has it escaped your
attention, gentlemen, that we are in a front-line combat situation in an
entirely different galaxy, dependent entirely on alien technology? There has been a lot of death, a lot of
casualties since we got here. There will
be more. But has anyone,” he locked eyes
with Charles again, “told you about all the people who are still alive because
of Dr. McKay? As in each and every one
of us who has been here more than two weeks.
Huh?”
The corporal didn’t
answer, he just twitched uneasily.
John went on, his gaze
sweeping over them all. “Ask about that the next time you feel the need to
gossip. Have any of you noticed that most
of the people you listed were scientists?
Civilians who are also in a front-line, combat situation? Civilians who don’t have anything like the
kind of training we have, yet are often the first ones into hazardous
situations? Civilians who have shown as
much courage and willingness to sacrifice as any Marine?”
He gestured toward the
listless figure on the steps. “Civilian
scientists like Dr. McKay. Do you think
for one minute that if I had any doubts at all about his capability or intentions
I would have him on my field team? Do I
look like I have a death wish?” He
mentally admonished, ‘don’t answer that’.
“You have no idea how proud I am of him or how much I admire his
abilities. It’s an honor to work with
him.
“Which brings me to the
heart of the matter. Don’t you fucking dare…” His anger boiled over for a moment and he
swallowed it back down. “Don’t you dare
dishonor all the people who have given their lives in service to this mission,
military and civilian. Don’t you dare
denigrate what Sgt. Griffin did.”
John took a deep breath
and went on more evenly, if no less emphatically. “Sgt. Griffin gave his life to save Dr.
McKay’s, yes, and he did it without hesitation.
He deserves our admiration, but what he did was not exceptional.”
He leaned forward, fixing
them with a steely gaze. “He did his
job. I expect each and every one of you
to do the same. If any of you find yourselves
in a situation with Dr. McKay or any other civilian where you have to chose
between your life and his, I expect you to give up your life willingly. I expect there to be no hesitation or
discussion. Sgt. Griffin didn’t waste
time, he saw what he had to do and he did it.
We are here specifically to protect the civilians to the full extent of
our ability, regardless of the cost to ourselves.
“This is the entire basis
of our service in the military. The
willingness to sacrifice our lives for others and for the mission, the feeling
that it is an honor to do so, should be the reason we joined in the first place
and it should be something we live and breathe every day. It’s what gives meaning to everything we do –
being stronger or faster or braver isn’t an end in itself, it’s a means of
fulfilling our purpose. I shouldn’t have
to explain this to you.”
Sheppard was gratified to
see that most of the soldiers were looking chagrined. The ones who weren’t, like Tavernier, would
bear watching.
“And if you think I’m
expecting you to do something I’m not willing to do myself, ask around about
that, too.”
John locked his hands
behind his back and stared them down.
“Now, I want you to think about why you’re here - in the Marines and in
Atlantis. I want you to look inside
yourselves to see if you have the capacity to do what Sgt. Griffin did. Then I want you each to give a personal
apology to Dr. McKay. Not now. I want you to wait until you understand why
your suspicions were wrong and why cornering and harassing Dr. McKay was wrong. When you can honestly and sincerely
apologize, then do it. If you can’t,
I’ll have your transfer papers filled out and signed before the Daedalus arrives again, because there’s no place for you
here. The same goes for everyone under
this command. Is that understood?”
The men nodded, and
several said, “Yes, sir.”
“Dismissed.”
~~**~~
After watching the
chastened men file away down the hall, John turned back to Rodney and moved to
sit down next to him on the steps.
Rodney looked devastated, the bandage on his temple standing out
starkly, and John could see that his hands were trembling.
“Hey,” John asked, “are
you okay? Are you even supposed to be
out of the infirmary?” The experience in
the sunken ‘jumper had hit Rodney hard, both physically and emotionally, and
McKay waved a hand in the
air. “I was discharged a little while
ago. I was going to hide out in the lab
down here.”
Sheppard grimaced. “That didn’t go so well, did it? Those jerks didn’t know what they were
talking about. Don’t let them bother
you, Rodney.”
Never one to evade an
issue, Rodney said, “They got some details wrong, but they weren’t wrong about
the deaths. It’s not like I
haven’t….” He struggled with the words. “It isn’t that I don’t wonder, too. Why do I live when so many people around me
die?” Rodney looked at John
beseechingly, as though he had the answer.
“I had nothing to do but think about that while I was in the infirmary. Is it because I’ve actually succeeded in
convincing people that my life is more important than theirs?”
“Maybe it is.”
Rodney gaped at him
incredulously.
“Well,” Sheppard
clarified, “not more important in the moral sense, maybe, but in that you have
a better chance of survival than most.
What I mean is, what if it had been you who closed the bulkhead doors
and died? Would
“Yes, of course I know
that.” McKay’s voice didn’t have quite
the same snap as usual. It was more open
and raw. “Still. It doesn’t feel good to know he died for me.”
John agreed, “It isn’t
supposed to. But believe me, I
understand survivor’s guilt. It’ll
pass. Mostly.”
Rodney was looking off
towards the smooth, featureless wall in front of them across the landing. He said, “When it happened, the doors shut
and then there was this noise, a whoosh, and I knew he was dead. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand how he could do
it. Just like that. Whoosh.
Major genius here, and my brain shut down for a second for utter lack of
comprehension.”
John nodded. Imagining what it must have been like for
Rodney made his gut hurt.
Then Rodney turned to look
at him. “But what you said before made
sense. It helped me understand why he
did that. It’s a type of logic that
doesn’t come naturally to me and I wouldn’t want it to, but I can see where it
might work for some people. It explains
not just
“Me?”
“Yeah, all those heroic
near death experiences. It kind of helps
me be less angry at you for putting me through that to understand what it means
to you. Not totally un-angry, but
less. Because you do seem to have a
reckless disregard for your own life.”
“I don’t want to die,”
John explained, “but I do what I have to.
There would be worse things than dying to save you. I’d be proud to.”
“I get that. But I really, really don’t want you to
die. Not at all, and especially not for
me. If I could make you promise not to
do a
John scooted a little
closer and slid an arm around Rodney’s back.
A manly, friendly hug. Or maybe
just a little more than friendly. He
could feel the tension in Rodney’s body and gave his arm a squeeze.
“I promise not to do
anything like that unless there’s absolutely no other way, okay? And I think you’re conveniently forgetting
the times you’ve risked your life for me.”
Rodney snorted and John thought for a minute, then said, “As for why
other people keep dying when it could have been you, I have a theory. Wanna hear it?”
Rodney nodded.
“Now, remember, I’m not
saying this is a good theory, but it’s like this: I think death keeps passing you by because I
need it to.”
Rodney looked at him,
confused, and Sheppard continued.
“If I were a superstitious
man, I would think that someone out there was arranging to keep you alive
because I need you around. It’s not that
I’m glad anyone else dies, but I can live without the others. I don’t want to even try to get along without
your eccentric, exasperating brilliance.
Or your friendship. I have the
feeling that if you went, I probably wouldn’t be far behind. That’s all the answer I really need as to why
things have worked out the way they have.
Weird, huh?”
Rodney huffed and shook
his head, staring at John in amazement.
“Strangely, not so much. I
wouldn’t normally say this because they’d have me living in Heightmeyer’s
office, but I’ve actually thought something similar.”
“What, that you’re alive
because I want it?”
“No, you idiot.” Rodney almost laughed. “I’ve thought that the reason you keep having
these miraculous escapes might be because I willed it with the sheer power of
my mind. That maybe my brain is able to
manipulate reality itself. Of course I
know it can’t be true, but sometimes when I’ve had too much caffeine and too
little sleep it seems like it might be.”
Rodney’s face fell. “I try not to
think that. It scares me. What if my brain lets us down? What then?”
“It hasn’t failed us yet.”
Rodney shot him a
skeptical look from under his eyelashes.
John chuckled. “Hardly ever.
But hey, maybe with both our mojos going at
the same time we’ll be all right.”
“That’s hardly sound
scientific procedure.”
“Whatever works.”
“Maybe,” Rodney allowed,
then said awkwardly, “Thank you for what you said about me before, to the
guys. It was, um, nice. Overly dramatic, but nice.”
John had been looking
forward to some scathing derision over his little speech, but this peek at
Rodney’s more vulnerable side was kind of sweet. John had always been able to sense his
importance to Rodney below the snark, but hearing it
openly stated felt good. He was glad
that he’d been able to tell Rodney some of what he felt, too.
“I meant every word.”
John could sense the
tension in Rodney’s muscles easing and pulled him closer. With his arm around him, John was very aware
of how much broader Rodney’s shoulders and back were than his own. A solid man.
Real, whole, alive. Precious.
John wanted to kiss
him. Their faces were so close he could
almost feel five o’clock shadow rasp against his lips. Could almost taste the warm breath. Could almost smell the potential for
something great between them.
John wanted to kiss him,
but he didn’t. It wasn’t the right time,
with Rodney still working through the most recent trauma. But soon.
It wouldn’t take more than a single fumble somewhere on the team for the
Hail Mary to turn into the losing play.
Before that happened to either himself or Rodney, he wanted Rodney to
know how he felt. It was a risk he
wanted to take.
For now he was content to
sit on the steps with his friend, listening to life in Atlantis echo around
them. He released the embrace, but kept
their shoulders pressed together. After
a few minutes of silence he bumped the other man gently.
“You feeling better?”
“A cup of coffee and I’ll
be good as new.”
“You want to go get one?”
“In a while. It’s kind of nice here. Peaceful.”
John sent out a prayer for
it to stay that way.
End
FEEDBACK to Joolz Atlantis Adult StoryGate Home