today was supposed to be Teacher Appreciation Day.

i wanted to die.

not because i like my kids, but because i hate them.

and no, i don't hate them for not knowing it was Teacher Appreciation Day, even though our school sent a notice home last week. (well, 1 student remembered and brought me flowers...1 out of 28). i hate them because they're failing to succeed...and there's no one to blame but me.

i totally lost it 3 times today. i just had them read silently and answer the questions cause i was gonna blow. i'm not EVEN going to get into what happened. that'll take like another 3 pages.  i wanted to walk out the door and go straight to my car and drive away till i ran out of gas. have you ever felt like that?

i've had it. i can't take anymore.

if i hear of one more fight, one more missing assignment, one more failed test, one more sad, tragic family story, i swear i'm going to scream till i choke.

they have taken every patient cell in my body and replaced it with deadly, self-destructing cells.

i don't know what my problem is. i don't know why i'm so ungrateful. i should be happy to wake up every morning and teach these kids. 

i'm loosing them. half my kids only think about recess so they can talk to their girlfriends and boyfriends...(as if they should be dating at 10). all they think about is being cool, showing off their "developing" bodies, acting tough... others (like 3-4 of them) cry when i ask them how they're doing. their eyes just turn red, and they start crying.

i'm on the verge of giving up all hope and just letting them fail everything and ignore their family problems and fight and get suspended and  everything else.

but i know i can't.

teachers are supposed to inspire.

you wouldn't believe how much that one sentence absolutely kills me. it's like a knife through my heart. it's bringing tears to my eyes right now reading it again and again. i'm supposed to inspire.

i'm SUPPOSED to.

dang. i can't handle failure.