i had this 2 and a half hour after school review session. i bought all these snacks and from 2:00 (we got out early because of conferences) to 4:30 we did math math math. it was kinda fun :) they ate EACH AND EVERY last snack that i bought (strawberries, carrot sticks, pretzels, graham crackers, nilla cookies, raisins, animal crackers, gatorade...)

they're asking when we're going to do it again.

the stanford 9 is in 30 school days. i'm kind of scared but at the same time, i don't know what else i could have done for them. i've done my best and all i can do now is learn from my mistakes and hope i don't make them again next year.

i already have to re-vamp the way i taught math. i'm not gonna follow the order of the book cause its RETARDED. i mean...what were these people thinking? i don't understand how on earth they can expect you to teach how to calculate the averages of 3 digit numbers when the kids don't even LEARN how to divide into 3 digit numbers until 1 month later. it was so ridiculous.

well, at least now i know.

i think next year it will take me 4 months to complete what i've done in the past 5.5 months. isn't that sad? a whole 1.5 months wasted because i didn't really know what i was doing or how to do things. it breaks my heart to think that if i just had these kids next year, i could have taken them farther.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. now begins the long uphill battle - i know that i've tried my best...but i'm starting to buckle under the guilt that i could have done 10 times better.

to some extent i think the "perfectionist" attitude can be a good thing. but for me, its like a disease.

even when i try my best, its not enough. even when i've done all that i possibly could have, i feel like i STILL could have done better. even though i went crazy last semester doing what i could, looking back, i still feel like i could have done more. i was so stupid. what was i thinking?

poor poor kids.

i feel like teaching is such a humbling job. you try and try and try and you just fail and fail and fail. then you try harder and harder and harder. and you hurt more and more and more. but at the same time, the love for your kids just grows and grows and grows. honestly, they're MY kids now. each one. they're mine. :) and i love them so much that i can't believe how much time i wasted last semester trying to figure out what this whole teaching thing was about.

my poor babies.

i don't want the school year to end. i need more time with these kids. i can see that they're trusting me more, depending on me more, opening up to me more, they're more comfortable with me now. this is where i have to some how get it into their minds that education is valuable, that NOT having sex by the time you're in 8th grade is NOT something to be embarrassed about, that a college education IS within their reach, and that they CAN amount to something important.

then reality hits. the middle school and high school that my elementary feeds into  has the highest teen pregnancy and high school drop out rate in california.

my poor, poor babies. :(

WHAT THE FREAK CAN I DO TO IMPACT THESE KIDS?????? HOW CAN I MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THEIR LIVES???????

i have yet to find out how God is using me in this profession. I don't think i'm clear on my heavenly purpose at this school. any ideas?