only 3 more months till my first year of teaching is over. 

so i had this sort of epiphany last friday as i was talking with one of my co-workers. she was talking to me about how her ex-boyfriend was really interested in making lots and lots of money but how she was never interested in money. she was more interested in helping others and serving those less fortunate than her. that's why she decided to teach in the inner city. and her husband now understands that and helps her live to those standards of service (no, she's not a christian...at least i don't think)

here's the part that's funny.

when she said that she wanted to teach in the inner city and serve those less fortunate, i was like, wow. that's admirable. i would never be able to do something like that.

and then it struck me.

we're teaching at the same school. that means...my gosh! I'M teaching in the inner city! i can't believe it! i guess inadvertently, i'm serving those less fortunate (majority of the time unwillingly, i have to admit) i just never thought of it that way. i mean, 100% of the students at my school are on free or reduced lunch. that's right 100%. all of em. i was complaining so much about how hard my job was and how i'm only working to make money to pay my bills. but you know what? these kids have sucky lives. a bazillion times worse than mine. and i'm there for them (1/4 of the time unwillingly, i have to admit). i listen to them. they share so much with me. and i'm pushing them so hard. and granted i have students that i wish didn't exist (i hate them and wish i could just zap them so they would disintegrate), i have those where i want to channel all my positive energy to them and do whatever it takes to support them and get them to succeed. i want to hold their hands all the way till their college graduations.

but the cool/hard thing is that even for those kids who i hate, i totally pretend that i love them too. well, most of the time i do. its weird...to have to show support and understanding and smile and praise kids who you want to kill. but you can't be too down on them cause otherwise you'll accidentally begin some sort of weird schema that will cause them to become like bombers or something. (they're already having us be on the look out for "unsocial, withdrawn, isolated children who display difficulty interacting with peers" - columbine potentials.)

so i have this new perspective on teaching.

that co-worker was saying how because teaching isn't a job (she considers it a service), you can't be a perfectionist. when you serve from your heart, its okay when you fail. you don't go crazy about it. (for example, if you're feeding the homeless sandwiches you made, you may not kill yourself with stress for not putting just enough mayo on it. you'll just apologize and make a mental note for next time. but if you were making the sandwich as a catering service and if your sandwich wasn't good enough that you'd loose your entire business, you'd have a bit more stress) she says when you're working (in the context of a job) you feel the pressure to perform and failure is unacceptable (um, can she just be describing me???)  she feels that she's doing her best to provide all that she can for these children and even if their standford 9 scores don't go up, that she's given them a safe haven for the 1 year that she had them. (she has CRAZY kids in her class....she's already had to report 3 cases of sexual abuse and molestation (one girls father was raping her and her sister), she has like 2 gang members in her class (5th graders mind you), her list goes on...and i thought I had it bad...)

its given me a different look. i still don't know if  i can do this long term. i feel like i've aged 4 years in the past 6 months. teaching stresses me out too much. but its an amazing job. i wish soooooooooooooooooo badly that all of you could talk to my kids. some of the kids i have are awesome people. i'd love to be their friends when they're adults. i mean, they're just great people! you'd have a fun time talking with them.

others of them...get out your ray guns. zap! zap! 

hee hee....

i was reading liz's thoughts about how she was saying allie said she was kinda mean in the classroom...

dude..i'm a WITCH with my kids some times...hahaha. i'm sooooooo mean. but i totally understand what liz was saying...my kids still kinda like me. they think i'm kick-back compared to the other teachers. i don't even let them ask me questions sometimes. i just stop them mid-sentence..."FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF.  do you know what that means? that means you don't ask me any questions. turn around, go back to your seat, and sit down because i am not going to answer a single question you have. if you think you're good enough to not pay attention in class, then you're also too good to ask a dumb teacher like me any questions. after all, you obviously don't think i can teach you anything.  SIT DOWN. NOW." (now imagine me saying that with utmost attitude in my voice)

but!!!!!!! i do that to the kids who don't pay attention and miss my instructions (even though i gave the instructions like 10324 times) dude. they need to learn to pay attention and follow directions. i mean, what am i? a broken record?

and then later i'll help them out. hahaha.

IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

just kidding.

its all about respect and care.