December 9, 2001
Coming full circle.
its almost been a complete year since i started doing these contemplations. i realize i took huge, huge breaks, but in a strange way, those breaks tell more than you would think.
my breaks in journaling - points where i'm so embarrased of my thoughts that i hit myself over the head (figurative) for having posted them in the beginning. OR i've been too busy (my life-draining job as a teacher)
reflection of julia - MORE THAN I WISH, there are days where i'm so embarrased to be myself that i wish i could just disappear. that no one would notice me or see me. i cross my fingers and hope that no one noticed or heard what i said or did. OR i'm too busy to self-reflect and i get so high strung or stressed that i have no idea who or what i am anymore (my life-draining job as a teacher)
so yeah....that's what i interpret my breaks of journaling to be.
anyways, things have gotten better with teaching i suppose. i think you guys would flip if you saw me in the classroom. i had a MASSIVE ATTITUDE this entire week. i'm talking horns coming out of my head. my kids weren't doing any work!!! progressively over the past 2 weeks the quality and consistency of their work has plummeted. it has a lot to do with the fact that we only have 10 days of school left till we go off-track...but still!!!! they're not pulling their weight. they're failing their exams. and the worst part of it - they just don't seem to care. no motivation, no drive, no nothing. its been my greatest struggle since the first day of school and it still is to this day - HOW CAN I INSPIRE???? i don't know. i can't seem to do it. no matter what i do, i can't seem to get these kids to work hard for their future. they talk about sex, drugs, boys and girls, play station 2, dr. dre, jay-z, and Captain Underpants but they can't seem to find time to study their vocabulary words. i'm slowly going insane.
so pretty much everyone at school has told me i need to take a step back. that i'm "caring too much". up until this past week, i didnt understand how that could be possible. how can anyone care TOO much for another person (in my case 29 people)? OH. BUT NOW I UNDERSTAND. some of these kids won't respond to anything that i do. and i can't just sit here killing myself, telling myself i'm failing them as a teacher because they're not learning. THE FACT IS...these kids don't want to learn. they don't care about school, they just want to play, they'll probably drop out of high school (the drop out rate is REALLY high in my city), and work for minimum wage IF they can even fill out the application form. i've been racking my mind on how to get these kids to study...how can I make them study? but you know what? they're 10 years old. i can't go over to their house and force them to study. to a certain degree, they have to do it on their own volition. i mean they're TEN. it may sound young to you...but my class weight goes from 60 pounds to 170 pounds. they are NOT little children. i have girls that weigh the same as i do. only i'm 22 and 5'9'' and they're 10 and under 5'.
so then...my job title isn't 'teacher' anymore (because in their case, i can't seem to teach them), i have to be an inspirer. but what the heck!! how do i do that? (on a tangent: i have a student who keeps calling me 'mom' on accident. i dont know if its a good thing or a bad thing)
i can't. (i dont' know how).
so one girls dad broke house arrest and she's been sad because she can't see him anymore (he fled). another girl's dad just left their family because her mom was cheating on him. another boy CAUGHT his dad cheating on his mom and now doesn't see his dad because he never comes to spend time with him. i have 2 anger management boy issues - they DO NOT KNOW how to control their anger. it's scary. i'm scared of one of them. (his teacher last year told me he was satan's child). but!!! he's CRAZY manipulative so he talks to me in this sweet, polite, angelic tone of voice. and then during lunch he destroys science experiments and hits kids and copies homework.
and then there are my good kids. my good kids are like ice cold water in the middle of the Sahara desert. they're so good. my gosh. it just makes you wonder how kids can come out so differently. they're so sweet. i think they're gonna make it. i hope they do. one of them already gave me a christmas card. how cute.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate that all i do is talk about my kids. poor john. he hears me talk about my kids every single day. then again, so does every single person that i talk to!!! my kids this...my kids that...
what have i learned from all this?
i'm weak. i'm a mess. i have my priorities all wrong. i'm disorganized. i'm not responsible. i can't make a huge difference. if i'm lucky, one student will hear what i say about the importance of a college education. i'm stressed. i worry too much. i'm moody and emotional. i take things too personally. i'm dramatic. i'm selfish. and lastly, i've learned that i want my kids to go to college and succeed so bad it almost makes me want to cry (i don't know how much this means because i tend to cry easily...)
i feel like the qualities i need to be a great teacher are the qualities that maybe i THOUGHT i had...but now i'm learning that the reality of teaching in the inner city is a whole different ball park.
i wish i was hermione. hahahaah!!!!!! wasn't she pretty? she's a cute girl.
john cho - i don't know what you're doing with me. i'm such a mess. but thank you. you're...haahahaa...i'll just email you instead. people might start barfing :)
mel - thanks for not taking my "i'm-such-a-jacker-i-didn't-hang-out-with-you-or-call-you-for-3-months" too personally. i love you girl.
i love reading fun books.
i want to be a writer.
ok.
somebody sign my guestbook. believe it or not, i check my guestbook like EVERY OTHER DAY to see if someone signed it. i'm sooo obsessive-compulsive. hahahahaa.....
thank you Lord for giving me this challenging learning opportunity, for breaking me in areas where i thought i was strong, and for continually blessing such an undeserving child. Amazing Grace.