january 13, 2002
eating chocolate.
right after i just ate some ice cream.
some things never change.
although they should.
i have no control over my life. but the sad thing is that i don't realize it (well, i do, but i just seem to...uh...ignore? or um...who knows...it just doesn't seem to fully register in my mind). so i torment myself by trying to gain control and steer my life EXACTLY the way i want it to go...right down to the very next minute and all the way up to my retirement and death.
but darn it. it just doesn't seem to work like that! and i know it's not supposed to. then why on earth do i do this? why can't i stop the planning, the calculating, the analyzing, the estimating...
ugh.
so i'm kinda in a bad situation right now. martin seems to be able to understand me.
it's like this.
i don't want to do ANYTHING. but i'm bored. i am bored out of my mind and have NOTHING to do. but at the same time i really really really don't want to do anything. i have to clean my room, grade papers, lesson plan, edit videos, go to the dentist, go to the doctor, wash my car, visit a few friends, return a few things, exercise, read my lonely bible, pray, and yet...here i am. BORED. because i don't want to do ANYTHING.
a few people were telling me that it's probably because i was so so busy for the past 5 months that i'm kinda in shock by this period of rest. (i have 2 MONTHS VACATION).
you know what? i think i'm much more effective as a human being when i am under a lot of pressure. not just light pressure, but the kind that can give you an ulcer. haha. it's the only time that i think i really produce anything. how sad is that.
*****
here's a typical conversation:
"hey, julia! what are you up to?"
"oh. nothing much."
"how's school?"
"i'm on vacation."
"still??"
"yeah. i get 2 months off. i go back march 4"
"oh my gosh! i can't believe that!"
"yeah. it's nice. perks of a year round school."
"so what do you do?"
"nothing"
"do you have plans? are you going to travel or do anything special?"
"no."
"what did you do for the holidays?"
"nothing"
"what about new years eve?"
"nothing. stayed at home"
"oh. so you're just chillin?"
(shrug my shoulders.)
*****
i've been asking people if they would choose to relive their childhood. surprisingly, most people said no. i, on the other hand, would jump at the chance to re-do my life and fix all the mistakes i've made. but of course, i wouldn't be who i am today if it weren't for the mistakes i made growing up. (blah blah blah). i mean, i totally agree with that statement.
i just wish it weren't true. i wish i could make NO mistakes and still learn.
*****
perfectionist: a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable
*****
so i think a lot of it has to do with the way people grow up. whether or not mistakes you made were regarded as a learning experience or something that happened because you're stupid.
i remember thinking on tests that it didn't matter if i NEVER learned it. i kept saying to myself, i SHOULD HAVE KNOWN it.
*****
hello. my name is miss tangent. i like to go on tangents.
*****
i love the discovery health channel. i feel sorry for joy and mel because i talked to them for like an hour about all the different operations i watch. it's awesome though. but they were getting grossed out. hahaha. it's weird how people like to watch certain things. i love watching operations. like re-attaching fingers or stomach stapling (have you seen those times when like 300 pound people remove like 100 pounds of skin and fat??? CRRAZZZEEEEEE) or plastic surgery (honestly, plastic surgery is needed for some people who like get their nose ripped off or something), and then there are those people who had some kind of deformed something or other and then they cry when they finally see themselves in the mirror with it fixed.
it turns out that the goal for all these people after having plastic surgery isn't to look drop dead gorgeous. it's to be "invisible". to be not noticed. i think that's interesting. cause people notice if you're really really obese or have a huge nose, or have crazy teeth, or have no fingers.
i will always remember that one show on leeches, bees and maggots. i think it was me, lillian, steve, daniel bang. we were all screaming and laughing cause it was the nastiest show. they had this one lady who's foot was rotting. literally ROTTING. and they put maggots in it to eat away at the rotting flesh. apparently maggots won't eat the healthy parts of the body. and then every 3 days they had to take the maggots out and replace them with new ones cause they were getting all huge and plump. they only do this when antibiotics won't work and they have no other way to get rid of the rotten flesh. yummy!
*****
julia. stop it. okay.
bye!