EMERGENCY ROOM

I am not a psychologist, nor a priest.  I am not a service provider of any kind.  But I am a very experienced consumer of modern therapeutic practices.  I have been chronic depressive since my early teens.  If you have come to this page, you are no doubt experiencing some sort of vaguely defined emotional or "spiritual" pain which you hope to ease by Finding Some Answers.  I hope I can provide some for you.  But it is not going to happen all at once. 

For your immediate crisis I offer this:

    Focus on what you are feeling right now as painful as it may be, wallow in it for just a few moments.  Now try as clearly as possible to remember a happy moment.  DON'T expect to feel happy - I know that isn't going to happen.   I'm just leading you through an exercise so bear with me for a few moments.  

OK.  Now come back to the moment, clear your mind, and look at yourself and your feelings as you might imagine a trusted friend or parent might see you - really try to step outside of yourself.  Imagine you are THEM looking at you - get outside of yourself as much as you can.  Try to imagine what you (as them) would do to get you to smile or in some way feel a little teeny tiny bit better. 

Now come back to you own little world where it all seems so hopeless and painful.  ARRRGGGHHHH!  (Screaming can help a little too if you have the space to do it in...)  Now focus on this:  Imagine, no, ACCEPT that at some point in the future you are going to be over it.  Whatever you feel or are beating yourself up over is going to blow over.   Yes, it is more than likely going to come again, but so what.  We are dealing with THIS one right now.   Now, it may be a day or two before the pain is over and you find a better "space" again.  It could be a week or more.  BUT IT IS COMING.   KNOW IT.  It will. 

I made my first suicide attempt at the age of 14.   In my life there were no less than 6 other times that I was so agonized in mind and soul that I would rather have ended life just to stop the pain.   And after each storm was over, and it always ended sooner or later,  the clouds would lift and I would once again find something to smile about.  The agony I felt THEN!  Realizing how I almost gave in to the pain and denied myself that smile, scared the holy shit out of me!!  But it was a different kind of pain.  It was a good kind of pain that made me want to love and live  more than ever before.  (this "from one extreme to the other" is actually quite common with persons with bi-polar dis-ease;  I have never been diagnosed as bi-polar, I just thought I would mention it...)  My point is, and what you MUST focus on in order to keep yourself around long enough to even stand a chance of getting those Answers that so pain you right now, is that IT WILL PASS!!!  Like the seasons, or airplanes overhead, or a big round turd, it will pass!!  You must hold onto that.  You are going to feel pain for awhile.  I know you will.  I am not trying to patronize or play holier than thou. 

I know from years floating around in space on this damn rock that life is painful (anybody who tries to tell you differently is selling something)!  Dealing with Chronic Depression and now AIDS (for 14 years), I know.   Trust me.  There is a time coming, and it may seem like an eternity away right now, but a time is coming when you will SO be grateful and loving to yourself for having hung in there.  And THAT feels as equally intense (in a good way) as what you might be feeling now.  Damn it's a rush!  Don't miss it.  Write to me if it will help.  I will listen.

You are probably here because you are looking for those answers to the Really Big Questions that can haunt one to the marrow.  I was fascinated to discover that one of the text book descriptions of psychosis was increased religiosity.  There is a clear connection between emotional distress and religious pondering and I do not believe it is strictly a one way street.  Otherwise it would mean that there are billions of people in this world  who are certifiably insane!   The south (the bible belt) would be one huge mental institution!  

No, I believe it goes both ways.  Sometimes we can work ourselves into a painful state by too much thinking and too little understanding.  This said, my next recommendation for your immediate sanity is to get away from yourself and your concerns.  A movie.  Something totally distracting.  Get away from yourself for a little while (not a long while if you catch my drift).  A walk is not a good idea because you will just go back to thinking about whatever it is that is so thoroughly distressing you.  Busy your mind!   Read a good book.  Hell, read a bad book for that matter.  You might even try reading my book.  The first part is not to heavy so it should prove very distracting (if not a little boring).

So hang in there (Figuratively please!!).   Get into some comfies.  Go have a smoke if you are so inclined (whatever you need to smoke except crack!) or grab a bite to eat and continue with Faith and Physics.  I hope some of my answers will help you find a way to cope.  (As a person with a lot of experience with mood disorders I can tell you absolutely that hunger can add an entire new level of discomfort onto an already aching soul.  You are guaranteed to feel better after a little bite - Try it!   I'm telling you!  It's true!! Go to the fridge or pantry NOW!  Get that blood sugar level up - if overeating as a means of sustaining your mental/emotional state becomes a problem, well, that again is another days work.)  Let's get through today and take it from there, eh?

Jon Youngblood

c