Disclaimer: This is a paper that I wrote for my 12th grade English class. Our teacher 

asked us what we would do with 100,000 dollars. Most everyone said they would invest 

it in the stock market, or mack out their sweet-ass car. Someone even said they would 

donate all the money to charity. I figured it would be fun to claim I would spend all my 

money on weird, pointless stuff, instead of pretending that I would use it to help people, 

when I really wouldn't. I got pissed off because several people told me how I was going to 

go to hell for saying things like "Midgets stir chocolate very well" I could go on for 

about 3 pages about this, but let me just state that this is all a joke, and I mean nothing

that I am saying here. Anyone who claims that I am going to be eternally punished for having

a sense of humor needs to grow up much, much more than I do.


      By the way, I got an F on this paper, but the person that wanted to 

mack out his sweet car in order to get some fine-ass bitches got an A


      Oh yeah, and please don't steal this and take credit for it. It took me a half hour to write,

and my time is very precious. I'm going to go throw snowballs at cars and urinate in a crowded 

parking lot now.


Jonathan Pennington

Ms. Griffith

English 12


				Midgets, Monkeys, and Hobos


      What would I do with 100,000 dollars? Well, first, I would hire a bunch of 

midgets to run around and make weird noises while wearing funny hats. This would be 

for my birthday. Why midgets, you ask? Well, midgets are naturally funny, especially 

when they wear hats that are much bigger than themselves, such as sombreros and chef 

hats. The weird noises aren't really that necessary, but it might be kind of awkward if 

someone walked in a room to a bunch of midgets in chef hats running around and being 

very quiet. That's why there would have to be funny noises, or else it would just be 

weird. I would take a bunch of pictures of this event, and I would remember it as being 

one of the best and funniest memories I ever had. Happy birthday to me!!


      After that, I would have quite a bit of money left, since we all know that midgets 

work for exactly 1/3rd the amount money of a regular person. Why do you think the 

Oompa Loompas were hired in the chocolate factory? Well, besides the fact that nobody 

stirs chocolate like a midget. That's why third world countries always hire little children. 

There's a lack of midgets because most of them stir chocolate, they work for less, and for 

some apparent reason, it's funny to watch a 4 year old become as bitter as a 50 year old 

divorced alcoholic factory worker with no children. But I digress.


      Next, I would buy a monkey on the black market. Why would I buy a monkey? 

Well, monkeys are also quite amusing, and they have about the same maturity level as I 

do. I've always wanted a pet monkey, and now that I have the money, I can finally afford 

one. I would teach him to ride around on a unicycle while honking a bicycle horn. I 

would laugh and laugh and laugh. I would be so impressed with the monkey's skills, that 

I too would buy a unicycle and honk a bicycle horn as I ride it with him. We would go for 

unicycle rides everyday, and when we honk our horns, our neighbors would go "Hey, 

there's Jon and his pet monkey again!" and then we would wave to each other, and I 

would crash. The neighbor would laugh at me, and then I would kill him in his sleep and 

bury his body somewhere in Texas. 


      I would also train my monkey to kidnap homeless people, take them down to my 

basement, and then hypnotize them into becoming my slaves. It would be a good time. I 

can see it now. I'm sitting on a hammock drinking some lemonade, while a hobo mows 

my lawn, and more come back from mugging people on the street, thus giving me enough 

money to not have to have a job. Nobody would ever discover my homeless crime mafia, 

and there are plenty of homeless people in this country to recruit. My homeless mafia 

would be just like the movie "Fight Club" except instead of fighting the man, we would 

just have massive orgies.


      Along with my homeless crime mafia, I would start my own business. I would 

create my own shoe company. Everybody knows that elves make the greatest shoes, but 

since they were all killed in the holocaust, I would use Indonesian children, just like 

everyone else. My secret would be that I wouldn't hire anyone younger than five, because 

their motor skills aren't developed enough to sew the shoes properly. I hate it when shoes 

fall apart early because of that. I would have to pay them more, but it's worth it. And if 

the children complain that their hands hurt, I could always just say "Well, just 

think...your parent's COULD'VE sold you into prostitution." It's sad, but true. I don't 

really see why parents could possibly sell their kids into labor, unless they were all just 

being selfish little brats that needed to be taught a lesson. I somehow doubt it though. 

They seem pretty nice to me. My other secret would be cinnamon...sweet, sweet cinnamon. 


      With the money I would be getting from my shoe company, as well as the revenue 

gathered by my homeless crime mafia, I would have enough money to buy my own 

country. I would probably buy Cuba, but I would have to wait for Castro to die, first. But 

anyways, once I buy Cuba, I would do nothing but burn tires and have occasional nuclear 

meltdowns, just so I can create a bunch of pollution in order to piss everyone off. I 

don't really know why, I just think it would be funny. Don't mock my dreams! Do I write 

all over your paper about how it's stupid to want to "mack out your car" or "help people?" 

No, I don't. It's called democracy, ass.