6-13-04
“I call as my heart grows
faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than
I.” Psalm 61:2
Dear Family and Friends,
I apologize - I think I have worried many of you by not posting an update
in quite a while. There has been no change whatsoever in Tim’s condition,
so there really hasn’t been anything to tell you. He doesn’t have an
infection right now, but he is also not responding. I wish that I had
something thrilling to tell you about his progress, but there hasn’t been
any.
You know, we’re a month away from the one year anniversary of Tim’s
accident, and I know from all of my reading that the likelihood of
someone coming out of a vegetative state at this point is nil. I think it
is okay to say this - the kids and I know Dad isn’t going to get better
here on earth. For whatever His reasons, God turned down our request. I
have really struggled with the disappointment of it all and I just didn’t
know what to say to all of you who have hoped and prayed as diligently as
my family has.
Even in the midst of struggling with this though, God is so loving and
patient. He stirred up a good friend of ours to call me all the way from
Japan just to ask how I was doing. And he really, really meant “How are
you?“, so I told him -and felt much better. There are so many things that
I feel like I can only say to God because I feel that He is the only one
who can hear it all and still love and accept me. So, I am very grateful
for Don’s listening ear. Then, this dear friend sent me a powerful book
called “Shattered Dreams” by Larry Crabb. It was 200 pages long and I am
soooooo busy that I hardly have time to read recipes, let alone an entire
book. But, I devoured it in less than 3 days, even taking it with me in
the car and reading it at stoplights. Here’s the premise of the book:
1. God wants to bless you. He gets a kick out of making His children
happy. We were created for happiness and therefore our souls long for
whatever we think will provide the greatest possible pleasure.
2. The deepest pleasure (highest blessing) we’re capable of experiencing
is a direct encounter with God. He does us the most good by seeing to it
that we seek an encounter with Him with more energy than we seek anything
else. But we almost always mistake lesser pleasures for this greatest
pleasure and live or lives chasing after them. We’re not in touch with
our appetite for God.
3. So the Holy Spirit awakens that appetite. He uses the pain of
shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin
dreaming the highest dream. Shattered dreams are not accidents of fate.
They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit first to awaken, then
satisfy our highest dream.
4. The problem is that we don’t believe this idea is true. We assent to
it in our heads. But we don’t feel it in our hearts.
The book really spoke to my heart, so much so that as I began reading it,
I actually said out loud, “Who is this guy and how did he get inside my
head??!” I had been walking around for a month praying, “Okay, Lord, what
do you want from me? What am I supposed to do now?” and I felt like that
prayer was answered as I finished reading.
So, today I pray for God to be merciful to Tim, that as soon as He sees
fit that He would set Tim free from being imprisoned in his broken body
and mind. And I ask Him to become my greatest desire - I’m not there yet,
but I know that is where I need to be (we all do). Otherwise, I will
forever crave the pleasures and blessings that I experienced when my
family was intact and be depressed, disappointed, and discouraged.
“Oh, Great Shepherd, add to Your mercies this one other - a heart to love
You more truly as I ought.” C. Spurgeon
The great thing is that I know God will answer my prayer for this because
it is within His will -and whatever we ask according to His will, we can
be assured that we will receive it.
The other reason I hadn’t written in a while was that we have been so
busy. We had been finishing up our school year and getting into the kids’
summer schedule. Plus, Becky started a job at the theater around the
corner. Also, I have begun tutoring a friend’s daughter two days a week
and planning out the next school year for the kiddos. I tend to get
obsessed with teaching. Life is crazy some days and it is easy to get
caught up in all the details of things that have to be done.
Becky and I were in Walmart the other morning getting our weekly
groceries. Being the coupon clippers and sale shoppers that we are, we
took a look at the clearance rack. Becky pulled out a shirt and said,
“Mom, you’ve got to get this.” The shirt had a cartoonish drawing of a
woman “on the edge” - actually, this woman looked like she’d gotten to
“the edge” and just kept right on going. Her eyes were bugging out and
her hair was standing on end and she was hollering, “It’s been “fun”, but
I have to SCREAM NOW!“ We laughed until tears came to our eyes, and I
said to Becky, “That’s me, that’s my life.” I may not look as frazzled as
that woman, but I confess that I want to let loose a primal scream, loud
and long, every once in a while. But, I know that it is really not
necessary or helpful - after all, the maker of the universe is attentive
to our cries. He is a prayer away and we don’t even have to shout.
“If only I knew where to find Him!” Job 23:3
“In Job’s uttermost extremity he cried after the Lord. The longing desire
of an afflicted child of God is once more to see his Fathers face. His
first prayer is not “O that I might be healed of the disease which now
festers in every part of my body!” nor even “O that I might see my
children restored from the jaws of the grave, and my property once more
brought from the hand of the spoiler!”, but the first and uppermost cry
is, “O that I knew where I might find HIM, who is my God! That I might
come even to His seat!” God’s children run home when the storm comes on.
..he bids farewell to earthborn hopes, and cries, “If only I knew where
to find Him!” Nothing teaches us so much the preciousness of the Creator,
as when we learn the emptiness of all besides. Turning away with bitter
scorn from earth’s hives, where we find no honey, but many sharp stings,
we rejoice in Him whose faithful word is sweeter than honey or the
honeycomb. In every trouble we should first seek to realize God’s
presence with us. Only let’s enjoy His smile, and we can bear our daily
cross with a willing heart for His dear sake.” Charles Spurgeon
Peace,
Carole
P.S. These are the words to a song that Becky recently sang at church.
It’s kind of our family theme song .
“Gratitude” by Nichole Nordeman
Send some rain, would You send some rain, Cause the earth is dry and needs
to drink again,
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade, Would You send a
cloud, thunder long and loud ,
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down, Surely You can see that
we are thirsty and afraid.
But maybe not, not today,
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways,
And if that’s the case…
We’ll give thanks to You with gratitude,
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You,
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain.
Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups and fill them up again tonight.
Oh wrap us up and warm us through,
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs,
Let us slumber safe from danger’s view this time.
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways,
And if that’s the case….
We’ll give thanks to You with gratitude,
A lesson learned to hunger after You,
That a starry sky offers a better view
If no roof is overhead,
And if we never taste that bread.
Oh the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need.
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace,
Move our hearts to hear a single beat,
Between alibis and enemies tonight.
Or maybe not, not today,
Peace might be another world away,
And if that’s the case….
We’ll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream,
In abundance or in need
And if you never grant us peace…
But, Jesus, would you please?