4-11-05

Dear Family and Friends,

Hello, is anybody there?  I'm not sure if anyone is still checking this site.  
That's okay.  This site has turned into a journal or record for me of what
happened  to Tim, and since he is no longer with us,  there didn't seem to be
much point in continuing.  Yesterday and today, though, a couple of things were
given to me that I want to record here for posterity sake.

The first is a poem written by my friend, Nathan C., who is one of my Awana
clubbers.  Nathan is in 4th grade and quite talented, as you will see.  Last week
at Awana, I announced to the older kids that we would be having a poetry
contest.  Did you know that April is Poetry Month?  (It's also the month that
we're supposed to celebrate Caramel Popcorn Day, Draw a Picture of a Bird Day,
and Peanut Butter and Jelly Day - but that's not important right now!)  Anyway,
I challenged the kiddos to write a poem about Awana, or something that they had
learned from the Bible this past year.  One of the clubbers, Nathan, got a
quizzical look on his face and asked, "Commander Carole, can I enter a poem
that I wrote for a poetry contest at school?  It won a prize."  I told him
to bring it to me next week and I would look it over.

He presented his poem to me last night.  For one so young, he has such a sweet,
deep, lyrical soul.  He told me that several weeks ago, he had been thinking
about Tim quite a lot, and he had woken up about 10 o'clock at night and this
poem came into his mind.  So, he got out of bed and wrote it down:


Because of Tim
By Nathan C.

Forever I have been here and forever I shall stay.
I have been motionless forever, waiting.
Waiting for what?
I've been in pain forever, but no more.
I rest in peace now, asleep with my brethren.

Nathan explained that he wrote this poem in memory of Tim.  He said that he
didn't want to make me sad, but that he had thought a lot about him and that
those were the words he wrote down.  He said that his Grandpa had passed away
not long ago, so he knew a little how we felt.


Our reaction - wow.

Someday, when I have time to compile all of this into a book, I wanted to make
sure that Nathan's poem was included.  Posting it on the website is my way of
preserving it.

This past week we went through Tim's clothes and papers.  Everyone told me not
to rush it, but I didn't feel like we were.  It's been almost two years since
Tim has been in our home using these things.  It used to make me so angry to
walk into our closet and look at his clothes and know that he was never coming
home to wear them again.  When Tim's sick leave finally ran out and he was
retired from his job, I went out into the garage and threw a little fit.  Tim is
a pack rat and he has probably saved every scrap of paper from every course he's
ever taken for his job.  You know, the kind of stuff that sits in boxes in the
garage and you never ever look at it again, but you say to yourself, "You
never know when you might need this course syllabus (or whatever) on exercise
programs for pregnant diabetic women over 35."  Stuff like that.  I took
two boxes of that stuff, ripped it into tiny pieces and threw it as hard as I
could into our recycle bin, hoping to feel better.  But alas, I only felt silly
afterwards.

It was a pretty emotional couple of days and I had to go through things twice
just to talk myself out of keeping everything.  I went through papers and
clothes the first time and when I was finished, I still had just as much as when
I started.  So, I went through everything again.  The second time, we all picked
out some special papers, old cards we'd sent to each other, a favorite shirt or
jacket of dad's, and donated the rest. Walking through days like that are not a
lot of fun, but they are all part of the process, I guess.  Like the phase I
went through for a while of comparing every guy I saw to Tim.  "Oh, he has
Tim's hair color," or "he runs just like Tim," or "he
doesn't look like Tim at all."  I finally realized I was looking for Tim
everywhere.  I guess it was just too hard on my brain to go cold turkey not
seeing Tim after seeing him nearly every single day for over twenty years

One more thing…everyone keeps asking how we're doing.  Our answer always takes
some form of:  "We miss Tim, but we know that God is with us and will get
us through this time.  We are keeping busy, staying in God's word (and praying
every day that the Lord will return soon). 

Becky walked up to me a few minutes ago with tears in her eyes and handed me a
piece of paper.  It was a note from her dad, written probably when he was
heading back to Japan for a few weeks for work during my cancer treatment.  It
says:

Sweetheart,

I'll miss you greatly, but God will get us through. 
Stay busy, stay in the Word.  See you soon.
Love,
Dad

I commented through my own tears, "Wow, that is probably just what he would
have said if he could have written you a note before he died.  That's exactly
what we're doing, too, isn't it?"

Good advice.  Or should I say, famous last words.  He probably got his
inspiration from the Lord.

 "Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God, trust also in me.  In
my Father's house
are many rooms: if it were not so, I would have told you.  I am going there to
prepare a place
for you.  And if I go, and prepare a place for you , I will come back and take
you to be
with me that you also may be where I am…"
John 14: 1-3

Peace,

Carole