2-6-04
Dear Family and Friends,
Tim’s doctor stopped by this morning, so we were able to visit for a few
minutes. Dr. Pena said that Tim’s chest x-ray was looking fine and that they
were hopeful that the antibiotics would take care of his UTI. I guess we’ll know
more in a week or so. His edema seems to be a little better, as well as the
stomach tube site. The doctor’s main concern seemed to be the many pressure
sores that Tim has on the back of his legs and backside. Once skin breakdown
starts, the sores are pretty hard to keep at bay, even though Tim gets
repositioned every two hours. He is concerned that they could become infected
and lead to bigger problems. Tim’s weight is up a little, so that is good. I
believe that Tim can now follow one command pretty consistently. He can shut his
eyes when he is asked. We still can’t use that response for communication,
though, but like Daniel says, “At least that is something.”
Had to laugh the other day…Rae and I were driving home from her martial arts
class one evening last week and as we pulled up to a red light, I thought I
heard a noise coming from under the hood of the car. I thought to myself, “Hmm,
that’s a new sound.” Over the next day or two, the sound became more noticeable
and I thought I remembered hearing a similar sound in our old van a few years
ago. It was kind of a gravely sound. Tim had determined that the water pump was
shot and replaced it. Long story short, I took it to a mechanic friend and said
that I thought my water pump was going out…and lo and behold, it was! What made
me laugh was the fact that I even had a clue as to what was wrong with the car
(thank you, Lord). My dad taught me how to pump gas, check the oil and
transmission fluid, and how to change a tire when I was a teenager (all of which
Tim has been doing for me for twenty years), and that is pretty much the extent
of my knowledge of cars. Maybe I WILL write a handbook after all…I could call it
“The Helpless Homemaker Survival Handbook” and include some of the things I have
had to learn during the past six months. I was really content until my little
bubble of life was burst. At first, I was so sad and so scared. I wanted to
crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and cry until it all went away.
After that, I seethed with resentment over the demands that were suddenly placed
on me. “This isn’t my job! Why do I have to deal with this? I am not equipped to
handle all of this!” Then came the point of surrender - which took quite a
while. I just simply quit arguing with God and said, “Not my will, but Thine.” I
have to say that every single day, but it has made such a difference. I don’t
feel quite as much pressure, although there is still loads to do. I still feel a
little fearful when I think about the future, and I struggle with guilt over not
being with Tim 24/7, or being with the kids 24/7...but you can only spread one
person so thin. I daily thank God for His grace, which is indeed sufficient. I
thank God for His strength. I constantly think about 2 Cor. 3:4, and 4:7, “Not
that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves,
but our adequacy is from God…” “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so
that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from
ourselves;” I am just a jar of clay, or maybe even a very cracked pot -
beaten up and quite battered - but because of God’s personal presence in our
lives, we can say with Paul, “we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but
not destroyed;” If you see anything going right in the kids and I, we will
be the first to tell you it is all Christ - you are seeing Him through the
cracks in our jars of clay. I am so thankful to Him because without Him, I would
be so lost. The kids look to God as their dad now, and as far as I’m concerned,
He’s my provider, defender, protector, just like Tim used to be. We keep telling
Him, “We’re YOUR problem now!” We used to be Tim’s!
I guess everything is going okay with the house. The appraisal is supposed to be
done. The inspection is Monday. Found out yesterday that no termites have
squatter’s rights at the new place, so that’s a relief. No glitches yet. I keep
getting a lot of papers in the mail and I am not exactly sure what they are, but
help is just a phone call away. I also just found out that I need to start the
paperwork for Tim’s retirement - and I have yet to start on our taxes! I’m
buried in paperwork - that’s the bad news. But, the good news is, God is still
in control and my checkbook balanced (to the penny) again this month.
Total Consecration
“If you ask how you may know that you have truly consecrated yourself to Him, I
reply, observe every indication of His will concerning you, no matter how
trivial, and see whether you at once close in with that will. Lay down this
principle as law - God does nothing arbitrarily. If He takes away your health,
for instance, it is because He has some reason for doing so; and this is true of
everything you value; and if you have real faith in Him, you will not insist on
knowing the reason. If you find, in the course of daily events, that your
self-consecration revolts at His will - do not be discouraged, but fly to your
Savior and stay in His presence till you obtain the spirit in which He cried in
His hour of anguish, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me:
nevertheless not my will, but Thine, be done.” Luke 22:42. Every time you do
this it will be easier to do it; every such consent to suffer will bring you
nearer and nearer to Him; and in this nearness to Him you will find such peace,
such blessed, sweet peace as will make your life infinitely happy, no matter
what may be its mere outside conditions. Just think of the honor and the joy of
having your will one with the Divine will and so becoming changed into Christ’s
image from glory to glory!” Elizabeth Prentiss
In His Grip,
Carole and the kids