2-24-05

Dear Family and Friends,

Thank you, thank you for the beautiful cards and letters, flowers and gifts that
we have received since Tim's homegoing.  We have enjoyed every one and  have
especially loved the anecdotes and stories that you have shared about Tim.

I asked Steve, our pastor, if I HAD to go to the visitation.  He laughed and
said it was expected.  I was really dreading it, but it was actually a very
uplifting evening.  Tim looked just as he did before his accident.  Amazing. 
Several friends and family members came in from out of town - some expected,
some surprised us, and I greatly enjoyed the reunions.  I kept thinking of the
reunion Tim was experiencing in heaven. 

Tim's funeral was a beautiful and fitting tribute to a wonderful man.  Our good
friend, Don, filmed the service for our family and friends that were unable to
attend.  He gave me the finished dvd last Sunday.  I put the kids to bed and sat
and watched the whole thing that evening.  The actual day of the funeral was
kind of a blur so I  appreciated hearing what was said about Tim one more time. 
Three of Tim's closest friends spoke at the funeral, including our pastor, and I
felt so proud as they spoke of Tim's life. 

At the last, my hubby was remembered not for his education or professional
accomplishments (although he was accomplished), his material possessions, or the
races he won or lost.  He was remembered for his character and was praised for 
his love and devotion to his family and friends.  Most of all, he was remembered
for his loving relationship with God.  All things that last  for eternity, and I
thought, "Well done, Tim."

I'd read that it helped kids in the grieving process to be involved in the
planning and even participating in the funeral.  Becky ran all over in the days
leading up to the funeral, helping  me to make all of the arrangements.  Both of
our girls sang at the funeral.  Rae sang  our song, "Dream a Little Dream
of Me", and Becky sang, "Legacy" while photos of Tim's life were
shown.  Daniel was a pall bearer.  He'd been so stoic the entire service, but
after carrying his dad's casket to the hearse, he broke down and couldn't
continue.  So, Rae took his place as a pall bearer at the cemetery and Dan
walked with her and held her hand. 

Tim's last hours and the ten days following were probably the most emotional
moments of our lives.  I remember months ago likening our situation to a deep
wound that never healed.   It constantly caused pain, but we had sort of
adjusted to it and even learned to smile amidst it.   Tim's death hit us just as
if someone came along and ripped off that sticky old bandage we had used to try
and  cover up our unhealed wound.  Ouch, that hurt.  Then this someone started
cleansing the  wound and doctoring it - Now we're talking the kind of pain that
makes you pass out.  But, since then, we have noticed that while the wound still
aches, the pain is not as sharp.  The healing has begun, I think.

We've gotten pretty good at putting on our game faces when we walk out the door,
but at home, the dam of pent up sorrow, pain, anger, and guilt finally burst in
the days leading up to Tim's funeral.  I sat up many nights feebly trying to
console one or another of the kids.  The waves of emotion came and went and I
was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed by the strength of  the current.  I
prayed, "Lord, this is getting kind of scary - a little help, please,"
and was suddenly comforted by the thought that God hadn't sustained us for the
past eighteen months only to take His hands off of us  and let us fall apart
now.  So, I know in the days to come, we'll be alright.  We'll adjust.  There
will be more hard days.  Probably Becky's high school graduation day in May will
be a tough one, as will the kids' weddings someday.   But, my hope and
expectation for them is to grow up and live their lives to the fullest. 

We are grateful, oh so grateful, that Tim is out of harm's way.  We can vividly
imagine where he is and who he is with.  We are grateful that we're no longer
living in limbo and can now have a sense of closure.  I half  expected this
trial to continue for many years, so I am grateful that in His mercy, God chose
to shorten what could have been a very lengthy ordeal. 

As for me…well, I've gotten used to being  by myself, although the first time
somebody referred to me as a widow, I almost lost my cookies.  I guess I'm
single, but I sure feel married!  The first few days were the toughest.  It took
many mornings before I could wake up and realize that I didn't need to pray for
Tim first thing.  Everyone tells me it is normal to  keep losing your train of
thought and to not be able to concentrate.  What a relief.  Here  I  thought I
was losing my mind as I've been walking into rooms and forgetting why I went
there, missing appointments, forgetting to pay bills, driving somewhere to get
something specific and coming home without it, and locking us out of the house
(here's a good trick - try finding a lock smith during the Superbowl).  These
are not my usual tendencies and it is exasperating.  I'm tired, I feel old, and
hey - who rubbed all the sparkle off of my life??  I guess it is normal to feel
like part of you has died, too.   And now, we've got a whole new normal to get
used to again.  (There's that word normal again.  I'm finding that
"masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting"!  How
about you?)   I guess I should be thankful that I have a good excuse for messing
up right now.  

But, we're plowing ahead.  The human spirit is resilient, and providentially God
has designed life to keep on going . It doesn't slow down or  stop no matter
what happens to any of us, and you end up getting carried along  whether you 
want to or not.   That's a good thing.  We are slowly getting back into our
routine and keeping busy with productive things.  Thank God for something to
do.

We have you to thank for our ability to carry on.  Your prayers have carried us
through a very dark time.  There were so many times that I wanted to scream,
"I quit!  This is way too hard.  Nothing could be worth this pain.  God
can't love me if this is happening," but all I had to do was look around. 
I saw the love of God demonstrated every single day of this trial through the
body of Christ.  Because of the help and encouragement and strength that we
received from you, we were able to see those kind of thoughts for the lies that
they were and reject them.  Often I stood like one of Christ's followers
described in the book of John  chapter 6 who were tempted to walk away and leave
Jesus when His teaching became too difficult or the situation got dicey.  I felt
like Christ kept saying, " You do not want to leave, too, do you?" and
I had to answer. "Lord,  to whom would I go?  You have the words of eternal
life!  I know and believe that you are the Holy One of God."

God bless you for what you have done for us.   I know that my family grew in
many ways during this trial, but I think that you all did, too.  We intend to
follow your example because we see now that God used our trial to give the
family of God an opportunity to use and develop their gifts.  We would count it
an honor to pray and minister to you as you have pray and ministered to us.  My
family didn't go through this alone, and I want to thank you for walking this
weary road with us.  Most of all, I thank God that He never abandoned us.

We will continue to keep in touch.  Several of you have expressed  a desire to
have a copy of  the dvd of Tim's service.  Please email me if you are
interested.  Also, Trent and Lisa D.  and Ron and Deb H. - I don't have your
addresses.  Could you email them to me?  Thank you.

Love,
Carole and kids

More Than You'll Ever Know
 (by Watermark)

Something brought you to my mind today,
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh,
And yet I feel like it's ok to cry with you.
Something about just being with you,
When I leave I feel like I've been with God.
And that's the way it ought to be, yeah,

Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies for me,
Cause you have spoken the truth over my life.
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me,
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, more than you'll ever know.

You had faith when I had none,
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing.
And all the while I've been hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me.
And that's the way it ought to be, yeah

Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies for me,
Cause you have spoken the truth over my life.
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me,
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, more than you'll ever know.

You have carried me
You have taken on a burden
That wasn't your own.
May that blessing return to you
A hundredfold.
Oh yeah, a hundredfold.


Cause you've been more than a friend to me,
You fight off my enemies,
Cause you have spoken the truth over my life.
And you'll never know what it means to me
just to know you've been on your knees for me.
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, more than you'll ever know.
More than you'll ever know.