12-25-03
Merry Christmas
We stopped by to see Tim this afternoon. He looked well - good vitals. He still
isn’t quite as good as he was a while ago, though. The therapists are trying to
get him a specialized wheelchair and while that is in the works, he has a very
comfortable recliner to sit in for part of the day. On Christmas Eve, “Mercy’s
Touch” (a very talented ladies quartet from Desert Springs CC) came to sing for
Tim. They ministered to Tim with music for almost an hour. It was really
beautiful.
I hope you had a very special Christmas day. We had such a nice day with my
folks. There were a couple of rough moments...yesterday, Dan was a bit grumpy
and said he didn't feel very good. I knew he had been so hoping that Tim would
be better by today and I wondered if his behavior had anything to do with how he
was feeling. This morning, he got up and I went after my usual morning hug and
kiss and he just held onto me for the longest time. We just stood there
snuggling and he finally said, "I wish Daddy was home." Then he looked up at me
and said, "I just don't get it. I know you guys are always saying that there is
a purpose in everything, but if daddy goes to heaven now, I just don't see what
the purpose of that could be." I said, "I totally agree with you. I don't see
the purpose either and I just don't understand this at all. And yet, the Bible
says there is a reason. We may never understand until we're in heaven, too, but
someday we will see and understand why this had to happen." I wish I had answers
for him. Then Becky did the sweetest thing. She found the photos from our
wedding and put them in a beautiful album as a Christmas present for Tim and I.
That is something that I have been meaning to do for twenty years. It was really
neat, but hard to look at all those pictures.
I know this is going to sound silly because God doesn't operate like
this...still, sometimes I think if I just hit on the right thing in prayer that
maybe He will be moved to act. I pray scripture to Him because I know He can't
go against His own word and today I felt like I really had Him on a certain
point. I have been so concerned about Daniel (all the kids, but Dan is the
youngest and the least grounded in his faith) - I know he tries to understand
what is happening and have faith, but this is inexplicable and hard even for an
adult to comprehend and deal with. I can't imagine how it must be for him.
Anyway, a scripture came to mind after my conversation with Daniel (Matt. 18:6
"...but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it
would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck and to be
drowned in the depth of the sea.”) Aha! I got You on this point…I said, “Lord,
you just can’t allow Dan’s faith to be tested until it is destroyed. That would
be causing him to stumble! I want You to act, to do SOMETHING. I can explain
Tim’s recovery or even partial recovery to Daniel. I can even explain daddy
going home to be with You. But I simply do not have the words to explain to
Daniel that his dad will never wake up and that he will remain as he is forever.
I can talk to Becky and Rachel about it - and that is extremely painful and
difficult - but I just can’t say that to Daniel. I think it would be too much
for him to bear. I am afraid he will become angry with You and hate You.
Sometimes, when I am soooooo frustrated over what has happened to Tim, I feel
absolute rage and want to scream and hit things….and I’m (supposedly) a mature
adult. What is my little boy going to do? I know that You are able to keep our
feet from slipping (Psalm 121) and maybe I am underestimating both Dan and You,
but at what point does this become too much to bear? When we began home
schooling the kids, Tim and I had one goal only. We decided that it didn’t
matter to us if our kids turned out to be as dumb as stumps. All we wanted was
for them to love You and to follow You. If they grew up to love the You with all
their hearts, then we would feel that we had done our job right. Lord, Daniel
trusts You! Don’t let him down. Let Daniel’s faith stand firm. Don’t give him
too much to handle. Don’t let your little one stumble. “
I hope and pray that you made some wonderful memories today. Our last two
Christmases have been merry, although unusual. Unforgettable for sure. One of my
most unforgettable Christmases was the year Dan was born. I remember sitting in
the Christmas Eve service holding our two month old baby boy. Brother Vince
Duenas began to talk about the incarnation. He spoke of Mary lovingly holding
her newborn baby boy with his chubby, pink little hands and tiny little feet.
Hands and feet that were created for the sole purpose of being pierced for us. I
sat there looking down at Dan’s tiny little hands and I thought how much I would
grieve if anything were to happen to him. I marveled at God’s great love toward
us. Love that would motivate Him to endure the pain of seeing His beloved Son
suffer on our behalf.
Long lay the world, in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared, and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! O hear the angel voices!
O night divine! O night, when Christ was born.
O night divine! O night, O Holy night.
Merry Christmas,
Carole and the Kids