10-15-04
Dear Family and Friends,
"I don't want to sound cold and I know you are a spiritual family but at
what point in time do you decide to put the pillow over his face and
straddle him? You are in my prayers. His quality of life is gone! GOD has
left it up to you!"
Welcome to my nervous breakdown.
I hadn't checked the website in a while, and this is what I found in the
guest book upon my return. I am not acquainted with the person who wrote
this message, but more importantly, they are not acquainted with Tim or I
because if they were, they would know the answer to their question.
BECAUSE WE ARE NOT GOD. I don't even play Him on TV. If the job were
open, I wouldn't apply because I'd make a lousy God. I have some talents,
but creating and running the universe is not among them and I do not
recall seeing "Giver and Taker of life" in my current job description
anywhere.
Please don't think I am offended by this person's comments. I am not. But
I am thankful for an opportunity to respond and be completely honest with
you about what has been transpiring lately.
Two months ago, I basically abandoned this website because I was
struggling with all of the issues that have resulted from Tim being left
in a vegetative state. It has been over a year since Tim's accident and I
have begun to face decisions that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I
am in the middle of a great big mess, y'all, with some folks on the one
hand urging me to be fair to Tim, to be his advocate and to turn off his
tube, and others saying, "How could you even think of such a thing??"
The kids and I are well aware that Tim is not experiencing life. That's
one of the reasons I don't post updates anymore because there is
absolutely nothing to tell you about Tim. He does not participate in life
in any way anymore. He isn't brain dead, just very, very severely,
permanently brain damaged. All that he has been left with are some very
basic body functions and reflexive, non-purposeful movements. He is
suffering - and frankly, we are, too. There are days when I feel that I
will lose my sanity watching him languish in that bed. We pray and plead
with God daily to take Tim home, to make him whole and well again, to end
his suffering. We ask God to allow the deep wound that the kids and I
have sustained to finally begin to heal. As it is right now, the pain
never goes away. It is constantly there. Our lives are in a state of
limbo and we have to deal with the anguish of seeing Tim suffer on a
daily basis, as well as deal with a myriad of guilt feelings. Guilt over
trying to go on with our lives while Tim is denied any kind of life,
guilt over medical decisions I have made in the past and present, and the
guilt over the relief that we would feel if this were all to end
tomorrow.
Tim would not want to linger on like this. I know that for a fact and so
does everyone who really knows Tim intimately. He verbally told me what
his wishes were if he was ever found in this type of situation. He
wouldn't want this to continue. He would much rather be home with the
Lord. Tim was homesick for heaven when he was happy and healthy. How much
more so now.
Having said all of this, I have prayerfully concluded that regardless of
Tim's wishes or our desires, neither of us is God. I'm sure Tim's had
enough of all of this and believe me, I have, too. But, it's just not our
call. I see no Scriptures that advocate euthanasia, but I do see a ton of
examples of impatient human beings saying to themselves, "Oh, no…looks
like God's asleep at the switch. I'd better start fiddling …" and the
results have always been disastrous. I have absolute confidence that God
hasn't forgotten Tim, that He still knows what He is doing, and that He
will take Tim home when the time is exactly right. God doesn't need my
assistance, or the assistance of the doctors, hospice, or anyone else for
that matter. God has not left this up to me. My life has never been more
out of my control. Tim, the kids and I may not like it, but we are going
to sit in our "prison cell", just like Joseph, until God personally
delivers us.
It's a sad way to live and I have often wished I hadn't survived my
battle with cancer. Then I wouldn't have had to see what I have seen, I
wouldn't have had to face any of this. I'd love a quicker way out , and
oh how I have prayed for someone to come along and take my place and do
this better if they could. I've raged and raged at God, but each time the
tears and the tantrums subside, I always come back to the same basic,
unchanging truths. I may say them less enthusiastically because I am so
very tired, but they are true none the less.
Many have asked how Tim is doing these days. He is well cared for at
Sunbridge and is not sick at present. The only thing we have noticed is
that his "sleep cycles" seem to be getting longer. I am sorry that
the kids and I don't talk about Tim more. It is difficult to talk about him
to anyone but each other.
I have been trying really hard l to listen to God so I haven't had much
to say to you of late. But, I felt compelled to write after reading this
comment in the guest book. People have mostly responded to our situation
with kindness and compassion, but every once in a while, I hear two
things that do not sit well with me. The first is any type of comment
that somehow God has lost control of our situation and the second is the
notion that this could never happen to you. These two ideas come at me in
various forms, but this is what they all boil down to. I can't say for
sure what God is trying to accomplish through our situation, but I am
certain He is not looking for these two responses.
God is sovereign and no matter how loudly we shout, "You're not the boss
of me!", the fact is He is the Boss. He can do whatever He likes with our
lives (and He does) whether we enjoy it, understand it, and cooperate
with Him or not. Please remember to temper this knowledge of God's ways
with the incredible knowledge of the love of God demonstrated so
beautifully on the cross. His ways are unfathomable, but so is His love.
He does what He does with our ultimate good uppermost in His mind. He's
not some malevolent bully who likes watching us squirm like ants under a
magnifying glass on a bright, sunny day.
Secondly, while I hope that you never find yourself in a similar
situation to ours, please realize that this could happen to you - or
maybe something worse could happen. (Hey, there's a cheerful thought.)
I'm not trying to be the scary preacher in Pollyanna who keeps shouting,
"DEATH COMES UNEXPECTEDLY!" but my question to you is - are you
prepared if this were your last day on earth? I'm not just talking about having
your earthly affairs in order and your will drawn up. I'm talking about
your standing with God.
Tim was a wonderful person and I know that if he were to die today that
he would spend eternity with God - Not because he was a wonderful person,
but because he had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. There was a
point in his life when he realized that heaven, eternal life, was a gift
to be received and not something to be earned or deserved. "For by grace
you have been saved through faith and that not of yourselves, it is the
gift of God, not as a result of works so that no one should boast."
(Ephesians 2:8-9) This makes sense when you really think about it. None
of us could ever earn our way to heaven because we have all sinned and
sin deserves to be punished. We might try to "pay for" our sins
ourselves by doing a lot of good deeds or by going to church a lot, but that
does
nothing to get rid of them. The Bible says that the wages of sin is
death. That's what we deserve, not heaven. Tim used to say that he loved
me so much that if he could die to pay for my sins he would. Except there
was a problem…he would be too busy dying for his own sins. We can't save
ourselves or anyone else for that matter because we have all missed the
mark and fallen short of God's standard -which is perfect holiness -
That's the bad news.
The good news is that heaven is a free gift - that doesn't mean it wasn't
costly. It just means that it didn't cost us anything. It cost God
everything, however. Seeing that we could not save ourselves, God came in
the flesh to do what we could never do. He lived a perfectly sinless life
and then He willingly paid the price of heaven for all of us by suffering
and dying on the cross. Act 16 says "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and
you will be saved." Years ago, Tim placed his faith completely in what
Christ alone had done for him on the cross. Tim had absolute assurance
that one day he would be with the Lord and I hope and pray that you have
that assurance as well. I pray that you would grow to realize just how
much the great God of the universe loves you, remember that none of your
hurts will be wasted by Him, and trust Him implicitly.
That's what I'm trying to do, but I fail so miserably at times. My mind
has turned into a battlefield of warring thoughts. I try to be steadfast
and believe, but sometimes I'm too tired to fight and too spent to care.
I chuck my sword, sit down in the dirt and cry. This path that we're
walking on right now is exhausting, steep, dark, lonely, and feels like
it's never going to end. I've asked God so many times this past month to
give me just a sliver of an idea of what is going on. Enlighten me,
please! It would be so much easier to get up and face another day if I
only had a clue as to what was happening or how long we had to keep this
up. But, God has asked me to simply trust Him. It's not a blind trust
because I can look back on thousands of years of recorded history in the
Bible, and not once did God fail to keep His word. I have twenty plus
years of personal experience with Him, too, and He has never let me down.
Sometimes on a really bad day, I feel like He's let me down this time,
but I have to remind myself it's not over yet. It ain't over till the
trumpet sounds.
Someday, hopefully soon, all of our questions will be answered. In the
meantime we need to always remember that God will never, ever abandon us
or turn a deaf ear to our cries. We are never forsaken, though we feel
like it at times. God perfectly understands and sympathizes with our
plight because He's "been there, done that", too. Remember the
cross??
Why?
Nichole Nordeman
We rode into town the other day,
Just me and my Daddy,
He said I’d finally reached that age,
And I could ride next to him on a horse that, of course, was not quite as wild
We heard a crowd of people shouting,
And so we stopped to find out why,
There was that man that my dad said he loved, but today there was fear in his
eyes
So I said ,Daddy, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows
Daddy, please, can’t you do something?
He looks as if he’s going to cry
You said he's stronger than all of those guys-
Daddy, please tell me why,
Why does everyone want him to die?
Later that day the sky grew cloudy ,
And daddy said I should go inside,
Somehow he knew things would get stormy,
Boy was he right, but I could not keep from wondering if there was something
that he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out,
I was not afraid of getting lost,
So I followed the crowds to a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from a cross
And it said, Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my robe?
Father, this crown hurts me more than it shows
Father , please, can’t you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry,
I thought I could handle a cross of this size,
Father, remind me why,
Why does everyone want me to die?
When will I understand why?
My precious Son,
I hear them screaming.,
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own,
Jesus, this hurts me more than you know
But this dark hour I must do nothing, though I’ve heard your unbearable cry
The power in your blood destroys all the lies,
Soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes,
Look there below see the child trembling by her father’s side.
Now I can tell you why,
She is why you must die.
As always, we appreciate your prayers. And to the person who wrote me
that note - thanks for your opinion. The next time I want your opinion,
though, I'll just beat it out of you. Just kidding!!
Love,
Carole