Dunhills [ Pontefract ] PLC,

P.O Box 1,

Pontefract,

WF8 1NJ,

ENGLAND

Dear Sir,

On 3rd March 2003, I bought packet of Haribo Goldbears at a Superdrug branch based in the West Midlands. It may interest you to know that Superdrug were 'flogging' your product off at 69p. That is beside the point.

I am disappointed due to the fact that your Haribo Goldbears have a deceiving packaging design. I have a particular orthopitc dysfunction, in which I cannot train my line of sight to focus adequately. This results in a diabolical squint which makes me look revolting. Again, the latter statement is beside the point. Due to my agonising predicament with my eyeballs [ that itch like hell as a result of my squint] complications ensued in my consumption of your crappy product.

Picking up a packet of your Haribo Goldbears I glanced at the packaging, showing an image of a golden bear [ wearing a ridiculous red bow. This unfortunately makes your bear look like a homosexual. ] throwing out red, green and yellow Gummi bears. There is a boarder of fruits including apples, grapes, cherries, oranges, lemons and blackberries. A colourful basket of fruits [picked by the homosexual bear?] rests in the corner of the packet of Haribo Goldbears. This basket contains and apple, an orange, blackberry, strawberry and, if my squint serves me correctly, a lime. I found it necessary to state this information as you are most likely to be an acne covered college dropout and have probably never seen a packet of Haribo Goldbears in your worthless life.

I am a huge fan of Gummi Bears therefore I was naturally very disappointed to find out that when I opened your packet of Haribo Goldbears, it only contained sweets of colours, red, yellow and orange and white. Even with my appalling optic condition [ for which I have to go to a squint counselling group] I managed to see that this packet did not contain any green, or purple bears, as suggested on the front of the packaging. I found this very disheartening and am saddened to confirm that it has had serious repercussions on my already poor state of mental health.

Since the summer or '69 I have suffered from a persistent bowel problem known as evenessitis. Unfortunately this condition is provoked by the consumption of red, yellow and orange gelatinous treats. Eating your product wasn't detectably beneficial for my deplorable condition. It has slowly worsened in the hours following my consumption of your product.

As a person brought up in a corrupt and dominating world, I tend to display Unforgivable, yet uncontrollable boughts of negativeness when faced with white gelatinous sweets. I will not eat white sweets. I believe them to be of a lower social standard that other coloured sweets, I therefore tend to demean them, more than they might ordinarily deserve.

It is my belief that it is extremely unlawful to advertise under false pretences. It is my understanding that sweet manufacturers [ with more respect than you] tend to produce sweets on the basis that a red sweet is associated with a strawberry flavour, a green sweet associated with lime, purple associated with a blackberry flavour and so on. As I assured you earlier in my letter, there were no sweets representing the fruits blackberry, lime, pear, cherry, apple or grape contained within the packet of Haribo Goldbears. I understand, indicated by the name 'Goldbears' that it is understandable the product should contain bears of 'golden' colours. Therefore it is understandable that there are red, yellow and orange Gummi bears contained in the packets of Goldbears, but white? Where did that come from? Did you feebleminded, deranged, characterless idiots run out of food dye?

Therefore this product is not of satisfactory quality as laid down by the law.

To resolve the problem I require you to modify the packaging of your Haribo Goldbears or include green and purple sweets whilst reserving my right to claim against you. Enclosed is a copy of my receipt. I expect a full reimbursement and a cheque enclosed [amount £149.87] to reimburse my finances spent on mental health counselling and relevant drugs.

I look forward to hearing from you and to a resolution of this problem. I will wait for two weeks before seeking help from Trading Standards. Please contact me at the above address or via e-mail.

 

Yours sincerely

 

 

 

 

Miss E. M. MOORE