107th
Congress, Second Session
Bill No. _____
Introduced by Congressman Hogg (D),
Entitled: Protection From Fresh Fruit Act
Whereas: There are many people out in this wide world who have violent tendencies.
Whereas: Fresh fruit can be very dangerous when used. Not like a pointed stick, but dangerous enough.
Whereas: Bananas are known to be especially threatening, as well as strawberries, mangoes, starfruits, loganberries, cherries (both black and red), pineapples, watermelons, etceteras.
Whereas: Some people are known to use fresh fruit when assaulting others.
Whereas: Fresh fruit must not be allowed to be used like this.
Be it enacted that:
Section 1: Any and all criminals using a starfruit, strawberry, mango, etceteras, as an assault weapon will, if convicted, automatically have a tougher sentence imposed upon them. If a banana is used, the sentence will instantaneously be doubled.
Section 2: A “self-defense against a man/woman armed with a piece of fresh fruit” class will be a new addition to basic curriculum in physical education classes nationwide.
Section 3: A “self-defense against a man/woman armed with a piece of fresh fruit” class will be required in boot camp.
Section 4: If desired, there will be a special class also created for “defense against a man armed with a bunch of bananas”.
Section 5: This act supersedes all previous laws dealing with this subject.
Section 6: This act
will go into effect upon the signature of the President, beginning on
END