Warning: Rated [MA] Mature Adults only. Contains strong m/m sexual scenes, violence, coarse language and adult themes.
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Note: Let us all pretend for a moment the Tom Garrard didn�t die in the explosion at Fort San Isidro but survived. This story takes place after Lawford and Sharpe meet for the last time in the Book Sharpe�s Regiment.[Thankyou BC] This story is part of the Sharpe�s Confession, Lawford�s Decision Series [Series??? when did it become a series!]
Lawford�s Regret.
By Jenny Jones
"I wasn�t expecting you back tonight! You knew I was entertaining. Why did you change your plans?" came the angry voice of Lady Jessica Lawford as she saw her husband standing in the hallway.
"Do not concern yourself, my dear, I will not be ruining your little soiree." William Lawford�s blue eyes looked towards the door to the drawing room from where the soft laughter of voices could be heard. "My plans were regrettably changed but I have only come by to pack a few things and then I�m leaving for Hollymere. I don�t know when I�ll be back."
Lady Lawford stared at her husband and frowned. Her delicate lips pursed in a most unattractive way. "And just who is supposed to escort me to the Lawrence�s Ball next Tuesday? I told you I had accepted the invitation and now you decide to ride off and bury yourself in the country. Have you no thought for my feelings William." This last was said with much sniffing and batting of eyes and a final sigh that left William Lawford looking at his wife as if she were some exotic bird that had flown in the window. New feathers too Lawford thought to himself, and made a mental note to make sure that the dressmaker was paid .
At that moment a young dark haired officer bounced through the doorway of the parlour.
"Jessica whatever is keeping you, oh Sir William, my pardon Sir, I did not realise you would be here..." he trailed off and looked to Jessica for rescue.
"Captain Chalmers, goodevening. I am not staying and I did not mean to interrupt Lady Jessica�s� evening, but while you are here I wonder if I could impose on you?" Lawford asked cordially. He could see the young man trembling slightly, a worried look in his eyes.
"I have been called to my estate in the country and regret that I will be unable to accompany my wife to several social engagements while I am away. Could I ask you to perform that service for me until I return?" Lawford saw the delight in Chalmers eyes before the Captain could hide it. "Of course sir, it would be my honour." Chalmers stammered out, unable to believe his good fortune.
"Lady Jessica does love to dance, and I�m usually not much of a partner at those type of evenings I am afraid." Lawford added looking at the vacant sleeve that hung where his left arm had once been.
"Do you need help packing William, I could send someone to assist you." said Jessica trying to sound sincere, but her eyes were fixed on the young Captain who stood waiting for her.
"No my dear, and please don�t let me keep you from your guests. Goodevening Captain, Jessica." and without a further word William Lawford climbed the huge oak staircase to his room.
Less than an hour later Lawford was ensconced in his coach as it traveled through the night. Sleeping should not have been hard despite the bumping and rocking. The coach was quite comfortable compared to some of the places he had slept in the past. He had slept beside battlefields with the groans of the dying echoing in his ears. He had slept in a tent in freezing weather, while his men shivered outside with no cover at all. He had slept in the saddle on many a long march. He had slept in strange billets throughout Spain and Portugal. He had slept on a tiger skin beneath the stars in India beside Richard Sharpe.
Richard Sharpe, no wonder sleep eluded him this night. He had seen Sharpe earlier and oh how different his plans had been then. But William Lawford had learnt long ago that life seldom lived up to his dreams and so here he was running away in the night, ashamed once again of what he had done but knowing this time that Sharpe knew also.
It had been with Richard�s best intentions at heart that Lawford had gone to see Lord Fenner. Sharpe was but an amateur compared to Fenner and his circle. They would swallow him up without a second thought, ruin him and leave him with nothing. But Lawford knew how to play their games. He had become very good at it. Despite what Fenner and that whore Lady Ann thought, Lawford wanted nothing for himself. Financially he was comfortable, far more comfortable than most people realised. He had always been astute with money and had built up a sizable nest egg that even his exotic little wife couldn�t break.
No it was Richard Sharpe was Lawford�s priority. It had always been Sharpe, right from the beginning. Lawford had done just about everything to ensure that Sharpe received the rewards that he deserved. And Sharpe had never known. Until this one time. Lawford had finally misjudged Sharpe, thinking that a Regiment of his own would be more than enough to make Sharpe happy and perhaps even grateful.
He had planned tonight, thinking that after almost two years apart, Richard would once again be his lover, maybe say again those word which he had forced out that one time as he sat by Lawford�s bedside in Cuidad Rodrigo.
But Richard Sharpe had changed over the years. He had learnt the value of honour and loyalty. He valued friendship and he cared for those who trusted and relied on him. Richard Sharpe had risen far above his lowly origins, far above Lawford himself . But then, that wasn�t hard really, Lawford told himself. He had sunken so far in the mire in his efforts to help Richard that he knew now he could never climb out.
He had looked into Richard�s eyes this night and had been forced to look away. Sharpe hadn�t need his help, would probably never need his help again. He had done what he set out to do with no help from Lawford and he was pleased about it. But Lawford could also see the hurt in Sharpe�s eyes despite his warm words. Sharpe had finally realised what sort of a man Lawford had become and he was disappointed.
Well Sharpe wasn�t the only one disappointed that night , Lawford told him self as he sat back in the coach and tried to sleep. He was disappointed twice over. Not only was he not to have one last night with Richard but Sharpe had announced his intention to marry. Lawford had wanted to warn Richard not to be hasty, to give himself a little more time, but Sharpe had always been a fool when it came to women and besides he was unlikely to listen to anything Lawford had to say on the matter. His own marriage was far from convivial.
Lawford wrapped his one arm around himself, ruing that life had robbed him of even this small comfort. "Oh Richard, I hope you know what you are doing." murmured William Lawford as he dosed off to sleep.
It was mid morning when the coach arrived at Hollymere and the few staff there were thrown into a fluster at the unexpected arrival of their master. Lawford wanted nothing other than a cup of tea and a room to be prepared for him so that he could sleep for a few more hours. He finally rose sometime after noon and after a light lunch, had one of his horses saddled and rode off.
"Sir William, this is a surprise. I doubt they were expecting you up at the big house. Tom�s around here somewhere, Tom! Tom! oh if I�d a known you was a coming I would of baked that apple cake that you like . Tom! Tom !, Here, Dick, you mind that horse now."
William Lawford couldn�t keep from breaking into a huge smile as Phyllis Garrard flapped around, fussing and smiling. He picked up little Dick, showing surprising dexterity with his one arm, and swung the toddler up onto his horse.
"Hold tight now Dick." he told the two year old and led the horse around to the stable at the back of the cottage. He could still hear Phyllis shouting for Tom and eventually heard a reply "Calm down woman, what�s the matter!"
Tom Garrard came around from the back of the barn and smiled warmly when he saw the cause of his wife�s excitement.
"Well this is a surprise Sir, we weren�t expecting yer down for another two months, but yer always welcome here. Come inside and have a cup of tea I�ve got a bit of a surprise for you too."
Tom lifted his young son down from the horse and led Lawford inside. The house was small but comfortable, cluttered but clean. It exuded a feeling of warmth that Lawford had long realised was sadly lacking in his own home.
Tom stopped in the kitchen and washed his hands at the sink. Lawford found himself gazing at Tom�s arms, noting how the scars from his burns still marred the flesh there. He�s lucky to be here, Lawford thought once again. Tom had come very close to dying from the burns he had received at San Isidro and the surgeons had said that he would be crippled for life. But Tom had refused to believe it and now, three years later, he was living proof of his determination. After Tom had been repatriated to England, Lawford had made sure he was looked after in a decent hospital and had happily paid the expenses. He owed Tom so much, it was a small price to pay for the friendship they had shared.
When he was well enough Lawford had set Garrard up in a small cottage on his estate and in no time at all Tom Garrard had found himself a wife and was happily settled. When Lawford himself returned home minus his arm, Tom Garrard had come to London to see him and spent many an hour sitting beside him in the hospital, reading to Lawford from his old tattered bible.
"Come this way sir, have a look at this." said Garrard proudly and lead the way to a small cradle by the window. Lawford peeped and to see a tiny baby sleeping peacefully. He looked up surprised,
"Another one? Tom you should have sent word." he looked back and smiled in at the baby, so innocent and untouched by life.
"Weren�t time to send word, he only arrived a week ago and that was about a month before his time too. He was real small, we were worried at first, yer know, but he�s a real little fighter. He�s a hungry little bugger, and he�s getting stronger so I reckon he will do just fine." said Tom proudly.
"Just like his father, hey Tom," said Lawford smiling "So is it little Tom to go with little Dick?" he asked.
Garrard shook his head grinning, "No Sir, it�s little William." and felt his heart warm as he saw the genuine surprise and pleasure cross his friend�s face.
"Oh Tom." was all Lawford could get out. He turned away then to hide the tears that welled up in his eyes and looked around the cottage.
"Will you need more room now" he asked "I could do the cottage up for you, add on some more rooms if you need them."
"No Sir, it�s just fine. No need to worry about it. Would yer like to hold the baby?"
Lawford turned back and peered into the crib. The baby looked awfully small. Garrard saw his uncertainty and said "You sit over there sir and I�ll hand him to yer. He wont break, don�t worry."
The baby was warm and smelt of milk and freshness and Lawford realised that he envied Garrard and the simple pleasures that made up his life. The baby began to stir and Tom put him back into the cradle so that they could have their tea.
So they sat and drank their tea together and Phyllis fussed around and made scones and little Dick clambered onto Lawford�s lap and finally fell asleep there.
"Did Lady Jessica accompany you down this time Sir William?" asked Phyllis as she nursed the baby in a rocking chair by the fire.
"No, not this time. Lady Jessica isn�t fond of the country." said Lawford unable to keep the tightness from his voice.
Garrard offered to get out the books that he kept for his small holding to show how the profits were going, but Lawford declined and said once again that any profits were for Tom and his family.
The afternoon drew to a close and Lawford bid his good-byes but not before inviting Tom to come to the big house that evening after supper to share a glass of brandy.
Lawford rode back to the house like a mad man. He had knew that he had taken to riding recklessly, taking unnecessary risks and he told himself that he didn�t care. Riding was one of the few pleasures left to him and he would enjoy it however he chose.
That evening , as expected, Tom Garrard arrived bring with him a flagon of cider that one of the local farmers had made. The two men sat in the parlour together in front of the fire and drank a glass of the cider, before starting on brandy.
"If you need to call the doctor to the baby Tom, I�ve sent instructions that the bill should be sent to me. You don�t have to worry about that side of things you know."
Garrard looked a friend and smiled. Other men might be too proud to accept such kindness, but not Tom. He knew the depths that Lawford would go to in his efforts to help those who he considered friends. He was a truly unselfish person who had seldom been thanked for his sacrifices.
"Thankyou William, I know Phyllis will rest easy knowing that." There was no rank or station between them when they were alone. Garrard had long ago given up using Sir when it was just the two of them.
"So why did yer come down, yer seem a bit troubled." asked Garrard directly. Lawford looked up and caught the concern in those brown eyes that he knew so well.
"I saw Richard in London," he said simply.
Garrard�s smile brightened.
"You did! How is he? Is he coming down for a while? My God, it�s been too long since I saw him."
Lawford schooled his features "He was only in town for a short time. He was here to get some new troops for the South Essex. Hardly had any time to himself." Lawford saw the disappointment on Garrard�s face. "He asked after you though." he lied. "I told him all about the farm and how well you were going. He couldn�t believe it when I told him you had married and had a little boy. He said to say that he hoped little Dick has more sense than he ever had." Lawford laughed a little allowing himself to become caught up in the deception.
"He�s getting married too. I met his intended. Nice young girl. She�s going back to France with Richard."
"Christ, I hope he finally has a bit of luck with women. He always seems to choose the wrong ones" Garrard sighed, "Ah but it�s a shame he couldn�t a come down for a day or two." he said wistfully.
The two men sat in silence a while longer, watching the fire until Lawford finally broke the silence.
"I think I did the wrong thing Tom." he said quietly.
Garrard starred at his friend and was surprised to see tears in his eyes.
"When?" said Garrard and realised his clumsiness at once. There would be those who would consider that William Lawford�s whole life was but one mistake after another. Garrard waited for Lawford�s reply, afraid of what his friend was about to admit.
"Oh in London, I was just trying to help Richard, but I made the wrong choice. I thought he would be pleased, but he wasn�t. He never said anything of course, but I could see he was disappointed. I only wanted to do the best for him Tom, just to help him, that�s all."
"After all this time yer still love him don�t yer William." said Tom compassionately. Lawford nodded "More than life itself Tom." he said quietly.
Tom Garrard frowned and felt his anger rise. It hurt to see his friend like this. Christ, would he never get over Richard Bloody Sharpe!.
"Well yer can�t keep living for him. Yer got to live yer own life cause yer never going to have Richard Sharpe and it�s about bloody time that yer realised it."
Lawford looked up. He was shocked by Garrard�s outburst. Never in all the years they had known each other had Garrard ever spoken to him so. He had said what was on his mind before but always in a quiet, respectful way. He thought about Garrard�s words. He was right of course. Richard would never be his, he had realised that years ago, but he had never given up hope. There was nothing else left in his life.
"You are right Tom, my whole life has been one great failure really. Why not admit to defeat here too."
Tom stood up angrily and crossed to stand in front of Lawford.
"Christ ya can be an infuriating bugger at times. Well it�s about time yer stopped this wallowing in self pity shit. Yer not a failure, yer one of the greatest men I know. Yer have always been a gentleman, I never heard yer speak ill of anyone lest they deserved it. Yer always been generous to those less fortunate than yerself. Yer treated the lads under yer command decently and fairly. Yer stood up for many a man when yer thought he was wrongly done by. Yer never been dishonest, or cheated. Yer a fine friend too, one of the best and bloody Dick would agree to that despite what yer think!"
Garrard stopped suddenly afraid he may have said too much. Lawford sat there looking up at him with those sad blue eyes, hanging onto Garrards words.
"Do you really think so Tom." he asked in a small voice causing Garrard to once again think that in many ways Lawford was still that innocent young man that he had met in India. His soft blue eyes still held something of that fragile light which used to shine so brightly before life had robbed Lawford of his innocence.
"O yes William, Dick may never have appreciated what he had , but I did." he said softly and reached out his hand to brush the tear from Lawford�s cheek before sliding his hand up so that his fingers brushed back the soft fair hair that he had waited so long to caress.
The two men looked into one another�s eyes for several moments asking questions and finding answers that they had long wondered about. Finally Lawford said "It�s late. Phyllis will be worried if you don�t come home." It was not a refusal but it was said to remind Garrard of what he had waiting and to give him a gracious avenue for retreat.
"She told me not to ride home if I was too drunk. She worries that I�ll fall and break my neck in a ditch." replied Garrard never taking his eyes from Lawford.
"Well if that�s the case Tom then the least I can do is offer you a bed." Lawford rose and gently took Garrard�s hand in his and led him up the stairs. "It�s been a while since I�ve done this Tom." Lawford said, with a nervous laugh.
"Been a while for me too, and it was only ever with Dick." Garrard replied, surprised by Lawford�s nervousness. He was acutely aware that Lawford had been with God knew how many men and had probably done more things than he could ever imagine, yet his former commanding officer looked as nervous as a bride on her wedding night.
Wanting to reassure his friend Garrard squeezed his hand and added,
"We�ll take it slow and easy. That way we wont hurt each other."
Lawford looked back at him from the top of the stairs, something sad showing in his eyes.
"Don�t worry about that Tom," he said, echoing something Sharpe had said to him years ago, "You wont hurt me, I�m used to it."
Lawford�s Regret Part 2
Tom Garrard lay awake in the big soft bed and sighed. It had finally happened. After so many years of yearning, William Lawford was his lover. He looked over at his companion as he lay sleeping on his side, his one arm tucked protectively around himself. God he was beautiful, Garrard thought to himself, and resisted the temptation to reach out and touch once again, the fair hair that lay fanned across the pillow. Let Lawford sleep while he could, there would be time for more in the morning.
More, yes, Garrard smiled to himself. He wanted to know more about his lover. He had heard Dick's stories of Lawford for years. The early ones from their time in India were of the quiet, shy and oh so innocent young Lieutenant. But the stories Sharpe had confessed shortly before that fateful night in San Isidro were of a desperate man, caught up in dangerous games with no thought to his own personal safety. A man who had come to expect abuse from his lovers and even enjoyed it. Garrard had know of the risks that Lawford had begun taking, way back in India. He had seen the evidence on his Captain's fair skin on many a morning when Garrard was Lawford's Sergeant. It amazed him to think that it had taken Sharpe so long to find out.
But Tom had trouble reconciling this image of his friend with the man he had loved tonight. Lawford had made love like a soft whisper, gently and passively, always letting Garrard lead ,only making his own desires know when he rolled onto his back and looked up with those blue eyes saying "Like this Tom so I can look at you. I like it like this." And that was all, all that Lawford had wanted, refusing when Garrard had offered to reciprocate, content just to lie there in Garrard's arms for a while before rolling over and curling up in a ball to sleep alone.
There was something in Lawford's demeanour that worried Garrard. He looked so vulnerable, so lost. He needs someone to care for him, to love him, Tom decided. Well he was more than happy to do that. He had been caring for Lawford for years now and had waited a long time for Lawford to realise it was because he loved him.
Garrard spared a brief thought for his wife. He loved her and what he and Lawford had found here tonight would not change that. His heart was big enough to love both of them. After all, how could you compare two very different types of love. What he had shared with Lawford in the past, the heat of India, the bloody battles, the death of friends, the deprivations and hardships that came with being a soldier, these were things that brought men together. The same way that the yearning for a home, for stability, for comfort and a family were what brought men and women together. These experiences were far removed from each other and yet they both forged strong bonds between people. Bonds that grew into love. Love, which Tom Garrard was certain could live side by side in his heart without any discord.
Rolling closer to Lawford's back Tom wrapped his arm around his friend and closed his eyes, his last thought was to wonder if Dick Sharpe had ever realise what he had lost.
William Lawford awoke with a start and for one moment could not remember who shared his bed, whose arm was wrapped around him and whose breath was warm against his neck. He settled back onto his pillow when he realised that it was Tom Garrard. Tom, nothing to fear there, he told himself. There had been times in the past when Lawford had woken and know real fear, when his partner had proved the night before to be cruel and demanding and he had been afraid of what would be expected of him in the morning. Some bargains came with very high prices.
But not Tom. Tom was his friend, a real friend, one of the few who he still held dearly. For all the lovers Lawford had know over the years, there were few whom he had really loved. Of that small fraternity, there were less than a handful left alive. One of the hazards of loving soldiers, Lawford mused. But Tom had never been a lover, at least not until now. Tom had been a friend. A friend who knew many of his dirty little secrets and had kept them to himself. Ironic really, when you think that they had both loved the same man for so long. At first Lawford had wondered why Tom hadn't told Richard about all of his hidden secrets, but it soon became apparent that Tom never played unfairly when it came to love. He was honest and Lawford admired him for that trait.
Honest, Lawford groaned inwardly. What they had done last night wasn't honest. William Lawford had seduced his friend and led him to betray his wife. Oh God forgive me, he pleaded silently, wishing there was some way to undo the damage. But there wasn't.
The pattern was all too familiar now. It was just another night when Lawford had been once again too lonely and had desperately grabbed at the first offer of comfort that had come his way. But it always turned out to be a either hollow thing or else there was hell to pay in the morning. Rejection, disgust, blame.
But please, not with Tom, he hoped silently. He couldn't bare it if Tom looked at him like that. Tom's friendship was too precious. One of the few pure things left in his life. He couldn't loose it too.
Lawford quietly wondered where he had become so lost in life. At what point had he started down the dark road that led to disillusionment. He had often thought about this in the cold lonely hours before dawn when he would wake and find himself in a strange bed or with an unknown partner. Deep in his soul he wondered if it was that first night when he had lain with Richard Sharpe on that cursed tiger skin in India. He wouldn't acknowledge it, as he was loath to put any blame onto Sharpe, but maybe it was then, when he murmured words of love to Sharpe, words that were never returned.
He let his tears fall silently, knowing his eyes would be dry by morning. He would face whatever came with the sunlight, knowing it was his own fault and no one else's. But the next few hours he could rest warmly in Tom's arms and pretend that, perhaps, they could stay like this forever.
The sun was streaming in the window when William Lawford finally awoke. It was a standing rule in his house that he not be disturbed in the morning so he had no fears of an overzealous servant discovering that his tenant farmer had shared the mastered bed last night. It was the tenant farmer himself that Lawford feared facing. He could hear Garrard moving around the room. Pouring water from the jug into the washing basin, whistling to himself. Whistling? That wasn't a sound that a disgusted or guilty ridden man made. Lawford rolled over to investigate further.
"Mornin'. Yer looked so peaceful that I didn't want to wake ya." said Garrard. He was dressed but he came back to the bed and sat down and ran his hand through Lawford's fine fair hair, smiling all the time.
Lawford was taken aback. "Oh I'm so sorry Tom. It was my fault, can you forgive me." he blurted out.
"Bloody Hell what are yer talking about." said Tom puzzled.
"Last night, I seduced you, but it was all my fault. You can go home to Phyllis with a clear conscience."
"Christ yer a daft bugger sometimes. I don't feel guilty about this. Yer too hard one yerself William." Tom said brushing Lawford's cheek gently. "Yer need someone to care for yer. I dare say there's no one in London to do that." he continued hoping Lawford wouldn't mind what he was inferring.
Lawford just shook his head "No Tom, Jessica and I lead our separate lives now. She prefers it like that. I should never have married her. I was a fool to think it would work. But I did try, honestly I did, but she..." he trailed off not really wanting to talk about his wife's cruelty.
Tom reached out deliberately and touched Lawford's left shoulder. He left his hand slide down to the mangled remains of his arm and then up again. Lawford had told him of his wife's disgust and rejection early in their marriage. He had asked Tom's advice, asked how Tom's wife felt about his scars for San Isidro. If Phyllis minded then she had never mentioned it, but sometimes Tom had caught a look in her eyes when she didn't realise that he was watching, a look that was akin to pity. It was strange how men could accept the marks of battle so much easier than women.
"So why don't yer stay down here for a while. Yer can travel to London when you need to. There's nothing stopping you, and yer know you enjoy it here." Tom waited for the reply, wondering if Lawford would run or if he would take the hand that was offered to him.
"What would Phyllis say? She would get a bit tired of you coming up here all the time. Besides you've got the farm to run." Lawford said doubtfully. Tom's suggestion was tempting, too tempting, but he wanted Tom to see all the problems that would come with it.
"Well it's not like I'm going to live here with you, now is it. We can spend a bit of time together in the day and I'll just drop in some evenings to keep yer company. Phyllis won't mind a few evenings alone." Tom grinned "I dare say she'll thankyer for it, what with the new baby and all. As for the farm, well yer welcome to come and help if yer think yer'll be taking up my time. About time yer did a bit of hard work again. Yer'll get soft if yer don't watch out."
Both men laughed, and Lawford looked away for a moment trying to work it all out. He looked back into Garrard's brown eyes that were smiling at him and asked, "But why Tom, why do you want me to stay so much."
"Cause I love yer William." Garrard answered simply.
William Lawford could only stare at Tom Garrard, the words 'I love you' laying bright between them in the warm light of morning. So seldom had he heard those words, and even then they had usually been spoken in moments of desperation. The last confession of a lover who lay dying on a battlefield, the subtle lies used as a leash to keep him when he should have run. Even Sharpe's confession when he sat by Lawford's bedside, had been a desperate attempt to ease his own conscience. No, the words ' I love you' had never been offered up in the way Tom Garrard had just done.
Tom had nothing to gain, and everything to loose really by confessing his love. Lawford couldn't understand it.
"Why Tom?" he asked shaking his head.
Tom Garrard gathered him into his arms thinking how much alike were the only two men he had ever loved. But they would never think they were alike. They'd laugh their arses off if he ever told them what he thought.
"Because of who you are." he said simply "I've loved yer for years."
Lawford looked into the brown eyes and saw that the words were true. Suddenly life didn't seem so bleak and empty. He though about his feelings for Garrard. Yes, he did love his friend. Maybe it wasn't the wild obsessive love that he still held for Richard Sharpe but it was a deep solid love that had sunk down into his bones over the years and had strengthened him.
Smiling at Tom, he replied "I love you too Tom, and I'll stay."
The End. June1998