Warning: Rated [MA] Mature Adults only. Contains strong m/m sexual scenes, violence, coarse language and adult themes.
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No infringement of the following characters and situations is intended.
Warning: (MA) Mature Adults only. M/M sex. Some violence.
Disclaimer: No copyright Infringement intended.
Rating: MA
Dedicated to Sarah in France who got the Goose instead of the Eagle.
Minerva.
Sharpe's Goose
Richard Sharpe was not a happy man! He had not expected favours for being the first man to storm the breach a Badajoz, but was pleased with Wellington's personal commendation. The quartermaster's gift was another thing entirely.
"Bloody Tents" muttered Sharpe as he approached the offending erection in the middle of the camp. "What does the Quartermaster think I want with a tent?" Well at least Patrick Harper had set it up and hopefully would have a cup of tea awaiting him.
"Nice tent Sir" said Rifleman Harris as Sharpe passed the group of Riflemen relaxing around a small camp fire. "You'll be comfortable in that tonight. The quartermaster even sent along a cot for you!"
"Goddamned Tents and Goddamned Cots" grumbled Sharpe ripping open the tent flap.
Inside all was neat and orderly except for one thing. There was a large goose on Sharpe's cot.
"Harper, why is there a bloody goose in my tent?" asked Sharpe irritably.
"Ah, it's a gift from Mr Price for you, Sir." said Harper a little uneasily. "He said it was to thank you for all the fun he had in Badajoz."
Sharpe shuddered, he would rather forget about 'that' little incident. The goose honked and Sharpe said " It's alive Harper!"
"Yes Sir, Mr Price said he thought you'd prefer it that way."
Sharpe shook his head deciding that he would have to have a quiet word with Harry Price soon about his fondness for farm animals. It wasn't healthy.
"Well it can't stay here Harper. Get rid of it."
"Y'know Sir, we could always wring its neck and have it for supper. I've not had goose in ages." suggested Harper with a gleam in his eye.
"Sounds good Harper, I'll catch the thing and hold it while yer strangle it." Simple, thought Sharpe.
Richard Sharpe had been born and raised in the city. He'd had little dealings with livestock. He was blissfully unaware of the danger he was confronting.
Sharpe eyed the goose as it sat on his cot. The goose honked. It snaked it's head at him and hissed. Rude bugger, thought Sharpe as he reached out to grab it.
The goose struck! It's beak latched onto the closest target, Sharpe's crotch , and it held on.
"AAAAHHH, IIIIEEEEEEIIII, OOOOOOHHHHHH, AHHHHIIIEEERR" Sharpe screamed. "AH AH AH AH OOOHHHH"
Outside the Chosen Men looked at one another. Harry Price who had just joined them at the fire laughed and said "I see Captain Sharpe likes the goose."
"What's the Captain doing to that goose Dan?" asked young Perkins.
Daniel Hagman blushed slightly and said "Yer too young to hear this Perkins, go wash these mugs in the river."
Back inside, Harper had grabbed the goose and was pulling.
"Oh...My...God!" yelled Sharpe and they fell heavily on the cot which collapsed with a loud crack. The tent shook.
Outside the Chosen Men were silent.
"Are you all right Sir" said Harper, concerned, as he picked himself up.
"No I'm bloody not." replied Sharpe who was doubled over in agony holding his crotch . "That bloody goose bit my...oh bloody hell..... I think I've squashed it!"
"You have Sir? Oh, you mean the goose. I think yer right Sir! It's dead. Here let me help you Sir. I know just the thing for your ....injury. My gran used to swear by the healing powers of potatoes. I'll get this goose into a pot and then bring a couple back for you. Oh and I'll see what I can do about a new cot."
As Harper emerged from the tent carrying the dead goose he was confronted with shocked stares from the chosen Men and a smirk from Harry Price.
"What happened to the goose Harper?" asked Hagman.
"The Captain squashed it," explained Harper "Broke his new cot too. He's a bit sore at the moment, but I'll cook the goose up for his supper and that'll cheer him up. Such a shame I couldn't stuff it though. Mr. Sharpe would have liked that. Ah well, there should be enough to go around. Who wants some?"
Hagman went quite pale, Harris said he wasn't hungry and Cooper said he had a sore tooth and couldn't chew.
"Don't worry Sergeant I'll have some." said Harry. "No point in letting a good goose go to waste. Here I'd better come and help you. There's a real knack to plucking one."
So Sergeant Harper left Lieutenant Price with the goose between his knees, plucking away. He returned to Sharpe's tent with two potatoes, peeled and cut in half.
"Am I supposed to eat 'em raw Harper?" asked Sharpe grimacing. "I'd rather have 'em baked!"
"No Sir, you're not meant to eat them. You have to apply them to the injured area and leave them there for at least two days. They'll do wonders for the bruising."
"You mean I have to put these bloody potatoes on my..."
"Yes Sir, do you want me to help you there?" ask Harper.
"Are you having me on Harper?" asked Sharpe suspiciously.
"Now Sir would I be doing a thing like that? My Gran swore by this remedy, I'd not be lyin' to yer."
The last thing Sharpe wanted to do was cast aspersion on Harper's Grandmother so he nodded and said "How do I keep them in place Harper?"
"They should be all right inside your trousers, Sir." If there's enough room, thought Harper as he eyed the area doubtfully.
So Sharpe did as Harper directed and after some initial difficulty the potatoes were finally in place.
They felt rather strange, Sharpe thought but not entirely unpleasant.
"How do I look Harper?" he asked. Sharpe was expected to return to Badajoz tomorrow and restore a young Spanish girl's powers of speech. He was not keen to be seen around the town with two potatoes in his trousers.
"Well Sir," said Harper casting a critical eye over him "If you were a bull at the County Fair you'd surely take first prize."
Sharpe had little knowledge of the criteria for judging cattle, but was sure that Harper had meant this as a compliment.
"Thankyou Harper, now we'd better go see what Mr Price has done with that goose. I don't think we should leave him alone with it for too long."
As Sharpe and Harper left the tent the Chosen Men stared. There was something very wrong. Not only was Captain Sharpe walking strangely but he had a rather noticeable bulge in his Trousers.
Bloody Hell thought Harris feeling slightly envious.
"Here Hagman," whispered Cooper "What's Captain Sharpe got in his trousers."
Hagman choked and said "Yer asking the wrong man Cooper." He thought for a moment and said "Yer might ask Sergeant Harper, he probably knows."
"You should have asked the goose." said Harris trying not to laugh.
"What did Mr Sharpe do to that goose" asked Perkins who was still trying to work out what was going on.
"Maybe when yer older lad." said Hagman shaking his head.
Later that night when the camp was quiet Harry Price had an unexpected visitor.
"Excuse me Mr Price," said Perkins "Can I ask you a thing or two about that Goose...Mr Sharpe's Goose?"
The End.