Warning: Rated [MA] Mature Adults only. Contains strong m/m sexual scenes, violence, coarse language and adult themes.
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Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.
Not done for profit just for fun.
Rating: MA, m/m references.
Note: This story comes before Sharpes Sale. It is the 'missing' Donkey story that has been referred to twice.
Warning: Don't try this with a Donkey at home.
Sharpe's Donkey
By Minerva
Richard Sharpe was dreaming. He was in a garden, a garden full of roses. Deep red roses the colour of blood. He looked down at his hands expecting to see his sword but found instead a pruning saw.
I must be the gardener, he thought to himself, but if I'm the gardener, why aren't I wearing a shirt? Bloody dangerous way to prune roses!
He was interrupted from his pruning by a young woman walking towards him in nothing but a thin lacey shift. Her long fair hair was blowing gently in the breeze. Sharpe smiled. The woman definitely wasn't here to help him with the gardening! Ah, these were the kind of dreams he liked.
"Do you want some roses Miss?" his dream voice asked hoping she might want something else.
The woman smiled and held out her arms to him. She opened her mouth to speak but the voice that came forth sounded out of place. It was deep and masculine, and sounded strangely like Patrick Harper. Sharpe concentrated, trying to hear what she said.
"......Dick, Sir."
"Not now Pat," Sharpe murmured "I'm having a dream." Why did Harper have to wake him up all the time.
But a hand was on his shoulder shaking him and it rolled him onto his back. Bloody persistent bugger, thought Sharpe. He opened his eyes and blinked up at Patrick Harper.
"Bloody Hell Pat, we've got a long march today. Can't it wait. You'll wake the whole damn camp!" It was still dark without even a glimmer of dawn showing on the horizon. There was at least an hour to go before the camp would wake.
"Sir I'm trying to tell you that I've found out what Sergeant Hakeswell calls his donkey. It's Dick Sir."
"What Hakeswell calls his donkey's what?" said Sharpe, as he tried to wake up and make sense of what Harper was saying.
"His donkey Sir, that donkey that he rides all the time! He calls it Dick!"
Sharpe closed his eyes and groaned. Ever since Hakeswell had joined the Regiment a few days earlier he had been a constant source of trouble and embarrassment for Sharpe. This, coupled with the fact that his Captaincy had been refused and he was once again a Lieutenant, had put Sharpe in a rather glum mood.
"I was just out checking on the piquets and I overheard him telling some of the lads. Says he named it after you on account of how you used to let him....."
"Yes, all right Harper," Sharpe interrupted quickly. "I know what I used to let him do and I'm sure half the camp has heard it too by now."
Sharpe had heard the sniggers and laughs, but had just ignored them. This business with the donkey was just another ploy to make Sharpe look ridiculous. Sharpe knew that eventually Hakeswell would show his true colours and loose his popularity but until then he was making Sharpe's life a misery.
"Bloody Hell Harper, that donkey doesn't even have a dick, it's a mare isn't it?" Sharpe asked as the finer details of Harper's revelation sank in.
"It's a jenny Sir, a female donkey. Sergeant Hakeswell just calls it Dick so it's twice the insult to you Sir. You've got to do something about it. He's gone too far." Harper said with a dangerous edge to his voice.
Sharpe frowned. Just like Harper to take offence on his behalf. His Sergeant was always watching his back but suddenly Sharpe wondered if perhaps this time there was another motive behind Harper's outrage. Was Harper jealous?
Might be best to explain some of it to Harper, thought Sharpe. After all there was no telling what stories the Sergeant had heard.
"Look Pat, Sergeant Hakeswell recruited me when I was sixteen. What he had me doing back then was no different to what I'd done sometimes when I was on the streets. I just thought it was another part of being in the army, like digging latrines or standing piquet duty. Hakeswell used to say I'd go far with talent like mine."
Sharpe grinned, but quickly changed that to a frown when he saw the look on Harper's face. Maybe this wasn't the time for bragging, Sharpe decided.
"It took me a while but I finally worked out that I didn't have to do everything he wanted. Mind you, he made it real hard for me if I said no, so sometimes it was easier to give in. But that's all in the past. Here I am a Lieutenant and he's still a Sergeant. I think it's better if I just ignore it."
"Well I don't think so Sir" said Harper fiercely "It's not like you to just lay down without a fight." Harper paused then coughed to hide his embarrassment when he realised what he'd said and the new meaning his words had been given. "He's making a laughing stock of you. You've earned the respect of the lads, so don't let him take that away from you."
Sharpe realised his Sergeant was right. Lieutenant Richard Sharpe never gave in without a fight but private Dick Sharpe had done that all too often. Well he wasn't a naive young recruit any more. He had made a name for himself through his courage and fighting skills regardless of what Hakeswell had predicted in the past. It was time for action, but what to do?
"Hakeswell hasn't done anything wrong Pat, there's nothing I can get him on."
Sergeant Hakeswell always obeyed an Officer to the letter. He never gave them cause to complain. It was the rank and file that he often had cringing.
"Well Hakeswell doesn't play fair Sir and I don't think we should either. I've got a plan, nothing illegal, it's quite simple really, but I thought you might like to help." Harper said with a sly smile.
Sharpe grinned back. He wouldn't mind a chance at getting back at Hakeswell.
"Yer on Pat. What did yer have in mind."
Patrick Harper put his hand into his pocket and pulled out two items that he waved in front of Sharpe.
"I thought we could use these." he said
Sharpe looked at what Harper held in his hand. He blinked, hesitated, blinked again, looked at Harper and finally said in a worried voice.
"Yer did? How are we going to use those Harper?"
"Well Sir let me explain it to you" Harper said grinning.
Daniel Hagman rolled over and opened his eyes. Not again, he thought to himself. Why was it that Patrick Harper always seemed to pick the middle of the night to discuss things with Lieutenant Sharpe? He could hear them whispering together but couldn't quite make out what they were saying. He watched as Sharpe climbed out of his blankets and followed Harper.
"All right Harper, let's go do it while everyone's still asleep." was the only thing that Hagman heard.
"Hey Dan, where are Lieutenant Sharpe and Sergeant Harper going?" asked young Perkins who had also been woken from his sleep by the soft voices.
"Don't know Perkins," said Hagman frowning, "but I might just follow along in case they get into difficulty and need a hand." Whatever they were up to sounded interesting!
Sharpe and Harper headed off towards where the cavalry horses and other livestock were tethered. It was some way off from the camps main area, down wind, so that the noise and smell of the animals would not cause too much bother. Dick the donkey was tethered off to one side, dosing quietly.
As they approach, Harper started making soft crooning noises.
"Here what'ya doing Pat, yer'll wake it up."
"That's the idea Sir. Don't want to startle her out of her sleep. Donkey's give a nasty bite you know."
Sharpe frowned and sized up the donkey. It was small and looked harmless enough but it never did to underestimate the enemy.
"Well you take the teeth end and I'll do the tail." Sharpe said, deciding that seemed the safer option.
Harper approached the donkey whispering softly.
"Dick, Dick,"
The donkey stirred and snuffled slightly.
"Good Dick shh Dick shh."
"What was that Sergeant Harper said?" asked Hagman as he hid himself behind a pile of straw. Best to stay out of sight for the moment until they had assessed the situation.
"He said something about a dick!" said Perkins softly as he peered over the top.
"Bloody Hell" muttered Hagman. "Can you see what they are doing?"
There was no moon that night and the two riflemen were still some distance away.
"Not really Dan, Harper's standing in front of the donkey with something long in his hand. Mr Sharpe's gone around the back. Shh, listen."
Sharpe's voice floated towards them through the stillness.
"I can't see how to get it in there Harper? What do I do?"
"You'll have to lift up her tail first Sir, then stick it in underneath. But be careful, you don't want to prick her accidentally." came the calm voice of Patrick Harper.
Hagman grabbed ahold of Perkins and pulled him back into the straw.
"Here lad, I don't think yer ought to be watching this." said Hagman trying to hold the squirming Rifleman.
"But Dan, I want to see what Lieutenant Sharpe is going to do to that Donkey" said Perkins, struggling to get free.
The voices sounded again in the stillness and Hagman and Perkins stopped their wrestling to listen.
"It won't stay there Pat," said Sharpe sounding slightly frustrated "It keeps falling out. Oh, Bloody Hell, I stuck myself with it."
"You'd better hurry up Sir, she's almost finished at this end."
"All right, that's got it. Oh Shit, oh, bloody hell."
"Sorry Sir, I should have told you to watch out for the tail. You'll be all right in a minute. Here let me help you." came Harper's worried voice.
"Hey Dan, what do you think just happened? Let me up to see." said Perkins and he started struggling again.
Hagman, determined to save Perkins from exposure to vice and corruption held on even tighter.
"What's goin' on Hagman?"
The voice of Lieutenant Sharpe startled the two riflemen as they lay tangled together in the straw.
"Err nothing Sir, we just felt like a walk." said Hagman, quickly brushing straw from his hair and trying hard not to sound guilty.
"Well why are yer laying in all that straw?" asked Sharpe, his mind jumping to conclusions. Bloody hell, never would have thought that of Dan Hagman!
"Dan gets puffed 'cause of his age so he lay down for a bit." piped up Perkins who was trying hard to stop smiling as he looked at his Lieutenant and wondered why his eyes were watering. Must have been 'real' good to make his eyes water, Perkins thought to himself.
"Well next time yer want to lay down for a 'bit', find some place away from the animals. They startle if yer wake 'em up and yer'll be in strife if yer get caught!" and with that Richard Sharpe strode back to his blankets.
Perkins had been young and innocent when he joined the army, however he had made it his business to get an education and never passed up the chance to learn something new.
"Here, Sergeant Harper," he asked, eyes all wide and innocent looking, "what where you and Lieutenant Sharpe doing to that donkey and why are his eyes watering?"
"Never you mind Perkins, all you need to know is I've been helping Mr Sharpe get even with Sergeant Hakeswell for all the stories he's been telling." said Harper proudly.
"Oh you mean those stories about how Mr Sharpe had a real way with his.."
"Yes, yes those stories and yer don't need to go repeating them. Now get off back to bed both of you." Harper said briskly "And Dan Hagman, I'm surprised at you! We got a long march today to Badajoz and I don't want to hear you complaining that you're tired! You should know better than to get up to shenanigans like this at your age!"
Less than two hours later the South Essex Regiment was ready to begin the days march. Sharpe and Harper were eagerly awaiting Sergeant Hakeswell to mount Dick the Donkey.
The donkey was clearly unhappy. It brayed and baulked and showed it teeth.
"Settle down Dick." said Hakeswell then grinned at some nearby privates and said "He often gave me trouble mounting, but I always got the better of him in the end."
Hakeswell grabbed onto the donkey's mane and swung up. Dick reared. She kicked out her back legs and bolted. Hakeswell clung on for a few moments and then was ignominiously dumped on his arse. Laughter erupted from the gathered Officers and men and Dick the donkey headed over the hills and far away, never to be seen again.
Sharpe walked over to where Sergeant Hakeswell stood rubbing his injury.
"Never could stay up, could yer Hakeswell." he said loudly enough for those around to here. "Yer were always all talk and no action. Nice to see some things haven't changed." Richard Sharpe laughed and walked off to join Sergeant Harper.
Close by Dan Hagman stood with Perkins, Harris, Cooper and the rest of the riflemen.
"I tell yer I saw it with ma own two eyes!" said Hagman to the eager faces in front of him "Mr Sharpe was doing to that donkey what Sergeant Hakeswell said he done to Mr Sharpe. Sergeant Harper was there helping. He even told us so afterwards."
There were general murmurs of "Bloody Hell" and "Imagine That" and even one of "Did it look like fun?" As the riflemen stood discussing the ins and outs of donkeys, they were unaware that they were being watched by a young Lieutenant.
Harry Price had also joined the Regiment not long ago and now listened to the bizarre story about Lieutenant Sharpe, Sergeant Harper and a Donkey. This might just turn out to be a whole lot of fun after all, thought Price smiling. Whoever said Lord Wellington's army was full of Methodists!
Later that evening when they had made camp, Sharpe and Harper sat together, drinking tea and talking over the days events.
"I don't know how the lads found out so quickly Harper." said Sharpe as he sipped his tea. "They were talking about it all day!"
Throughout the march, Sharpe had been the centre of attention. He received comments such as "Well done Sir" and "He deserved it, for sure" and admiring looks from many of the men including the new Lieutenant, Mr Price, who had told Sharpe that he thought they would get on well together as they had a lot in common.
"Ah it's Dan Hagman Sir" replied Harper "He's the biggest gossip in the Regiment. Never misses a thing."
"Well it was a good trick Pat but tell me, where ever did yer learn to do it?"
"My Gran taught me." said Harper smiling fondly as he remembered.
"Back when my Gran was a girl the Landlord's overseer used to ride a little donkey when he came to collect the rents. He was no gentleman and used to make fresh with all the young women. One day my Gran decided she'd had enough of his ways and while he was elsewhere she put a thorn under his donkeys tail. When he got on the donkey, the thorn stuck in and the donkey went wild. He fell off into a pile of manure."
Sharpe laughed "Well it's a good thing yer had that carrot to keep it busy at your end, because I don't think I like donkeys that much. My eyes were stinging all day where she flicked me with her tail."
"No Sir, horses are much better." Harper said as he looked across at Sharpe and smiled. "Did I tell you about the dream I had the other night? We were riding these big horses along a beach. Big black stallions they were Sir. We were galloping them through the waves, and the spray was washing up at us and making us all wet. But it didn't really matter, because for some reason, you didn't have your shirt on......."
The End.
No Donkeys where harmed while this was written.
I like Methodists, blame BC for that one.
I finally managed to get myself into a story even if I was only the donkey. Still, I wouldn't mind having a certain pair of hands on 'my' tail!
And ask Sarah in France why she called her Donkey Dick!