Atlanta Jokes

This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, who has ever lived in Atlanta, has visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who lives in Atlanta, knows anyone who has ever visited Atlanta, or anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta, Georgia.

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Atlanta is composed mostly of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.

It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to that effect, so that out-of-towners don't feel lost...they're just on a scenic drive.

All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House"

Except that in Cobb County, all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken and ..."

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Road, Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Run, Peachtree Trace, Peachtree Ave, Peachtree Commons, Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Corners, New Peachtree, Old Peachtree, West Peachtree, North Peachtree, Peachtree-Dunwoody, Peachtree-Chamblee, or Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.

Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down Peachtree.

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola. Drinking Pepsi is blasphemy. And even then, it's still "Coke." A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda Coke you want?"

Gate One at Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch. The doors on the trains in the airport do not reopen like an elevator if you stick your hand out. If you stick a body part in the door to reopen it, you can pick up that body part at the appropriate Concourse.

If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.

It is always Smog Alert Day.

In Atlanta, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. (See here.)

Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's version of Old Faithful erupts. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated number one in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively tailgate discussions.

The 8:00 AM rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM. The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon, and lasts through 2:00 AM Saturday.

Do not plan to visit Atlanta during Freaknik. Even if you make it off the freeway into the city, you won't be able to go anywhere and may not make it out alive.

Atlantans do not believe in turn signals. You will never see a native signal at a stop light, to change lanes, or to merge. Never.

Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody, especially those of us who live here. Stay out of them unless you are looking for a head-on collision.

Atlantans are very proud of the race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstate, hence its name.

I-285, the Interstate loop that encircles Atlanta, has a posted speed limit of 55 mph (you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over), but is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."

Georgia route 400 is the Southern equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA 400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon, or a tennis match, to meet their children at the school bus, or coming home from the college prep preschool.

A native can only pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue one way, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is "pawns duh LEE-on."

The fall of a raindrop makes drivers forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days, and it's on all the TV channels and radio stations as a news flash every 15 minutes for a month. If there is even a remote chance of snow, all the grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer, not to mention the fact that all schools will close. And if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard" T-shirts.

The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy, which starts at 120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses - everything - is yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies, you will die. But other than that, it's a great place to live!

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one's ever seen before.

"Onced" and "Twiced" are actual words.

Outside of the perimeter, "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are. In the suburbs, "Sugar" is a more common form of address and means the same as "Miss." "Darling," "Honey," and "Sweetpea" are always used by Waffle House waitresses regardless of your gender or persuasion.

It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's only dinner - and then there is supper.

'Jeetyet?' is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat yet?"

People install security lights on their house and garage - and then leave both unlocked.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but need 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "headin off to Wally World."

Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're 2.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy, and your AK-47 has a full clip.

Atlanta people think that the finger has something to do with perverted sex, the Civil War, their mother, their heritage, the state flag, and/or the Second Amendment. Never point or pick your nose with that finger, especially in Kennesaw, as they have a law requiring citizens to carry a gun.

If you're a native....

You know whether another Georgian is from north Georgia, south Georgia or middle Georgia as soon as they open their mouth (Albany = All benny).

You know where 'Butthead' and 'F*ckhead' are, and it's the same part of town.

You haven't been downtown at night in years.

You know at least five different ways to get to work, none of them ideal.

You know what "sunshine slowdown", "auto-flambe'", "topside" mean, and what color a H.E.R.O. is.

You know where PIB, JCB, FIB, MLK, PDK and "Grady Curve" are, and you try to never go there during any of the nine hours of rush "hour".

You've been in traffic on 85, 75, 285, 20 or 400 (choose one) - wondering if your fuel, your cell-phone battery and your bladder will make it to the next exit, just 1/2 mile ahead. -----------------------------------

If you understand these jokes, forward them to your friends from GA (and those who just wish they were.)

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