12.02amyeah tonight I realized a cognitive distortion that I have....like when I'm in distress and life is shit to me, I try so hard to think of something in the future that will make me feel that no matter how bad the pain is, I will feel better at a future time...and when I go past my peak and freak out and then I reach that point where I'm supposed to feel happy, I try to make it happen that way so hard because I know if I don't, my will to live will be psychologically fucked and next time I feel so down, my mind will go against itself when I try to think of the future. So yeah, luckily, the thoughts I thought of during a bad time I went through recently...I made them come true...and it rules. And like I've noticed that lately with certain situations, I made it where I got my way no matter what because of how I think...or something.

On the way home, I headbanged all the way, I was like really into the music, and as weird as it sounds, that usually means I'm happy and nothing is fucking with me.But yeah, tonight was cool. I basically added the finishing touches to my new place and when I was done, just looking at it made me excited, and I hadn't even sat down to get high yet....yeah I was like "fuck you!" to my mind...I made myself happy without pot...haha lately I've been blaming my mind for how I am, I guess its better than blaming anything else.

Today, Stephanie called me and talked to me for a while and she told me her adventures from the night before and she told me that her friend Michelle, whom I also see a lot, has a roommate. And she told me about her situation and some shit about her and that she was single and just all this stuff and it was like a damn light bulb went off in my head because Stephanie really wasn't telling that shit out of her interest in hooking me up....and it was like I realized there was a perfect opportunity and I was like "wow, um, yeah how can I go about meeting this girl?" and she said she'll work on it and since Stephanie and Michelle are on their way to Mexico right now, I can't really do anything yet but I'm excited because I just feel confident in it. Oh yeah, my place fucking rules.