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Quotes

“Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.”

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

next mood swing: 5 minutes
I have one nerve left... and you're getting on it!
Men, Coffee, Chocolate - some things are just better rich!

Some days you're the pigeon, other days you're the statue!
I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it!
And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be?
When I want your opinion I'll give it to you!
I've got PMS and I'm out of chocolate - don't get in my way!

I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
S.A.R.S..: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanour.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
Allow me to introduce my selves
Better living through denial
I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
Too many freaks not enough circuses
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay check
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Insured by the Mafia - you hit us, we hit you
Adam and Eve where in God's image, we're the result of inbreeding
Keep death off the road, drive on the pavement

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted, telepath: you know where to apply
I'm just driving this way to get you mad.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Guns don't kill people, taxis do.
Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen
It works better if you plug it in
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken" (Yeah, I know, Kitty Activists and all)
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." 

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
CAT ~ The Other White Meat!
Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A**holes!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up
Procrastinate Now
Rehab Is for Quitters
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do What I've Been Doing since 15
West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN!
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh
A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times the memory
The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it
Bacon and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig
The trouble with life is there's no background music
Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson
My wild oats have turned into wicked wheat
Mop and glow - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team
Nyquil - The Stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning-medicine
Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research
My husband and I divorced over religious differences, he thought he was God and I didn't!

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

Love means never having to say, "Does that fifty include the spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.

When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to beg forgiveness than seek permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

 Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.

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