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Jack: Mmm...Mineral survey, my favorite.
Hammond: Colonel?
Jack: I know, General. It's all fun and games until someone breaks a nail.
Jack: Au revoir, mon Generale.
Teal'c: I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.
Jack: Au revoir, it's French. It means Ciao. Ciao, it means Adios,
Auf Wiedersehen, Sayonara, which all very loosely translated means...
*They step through the gate only to arrive back in the gateroom instantaneously*
Goodbye.
Daniel: Wow, this coffee's great.
Sam: I was just thinking that.
Jack: Yeah, is that cinnamon?
Daniel: Uh, it's chicory.
Jack: Mmm, chicory.
*Teal'c takes the lid of the coffee pot and drains the whole steaming thing in one gulp*
Sam: Teal'c? *Daniel and Jack both look over at Teal'c*
Teal'c: Aaah. *He puts down the pot*
Jack: Isn't that hot?
Teal'c: Extremely.
*Jack is going over the malp photos and takes a bite of pumpkin pie.
He immediately lays down the pictures and eats more of it by hand.
Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c all stop what they are doing to join him in a dessert buffet*
Daniel: Hungry.
Sam: Yeah.
Jack: Try the pie.
Sam: So, I'm running a full diagnostic on the...Wow! *She takes a spoonful of Blue Jell'O*
Jack: Oh, yeah.
Daniel: *With his mouth full* This is the best pie I've ever had!
Sam: What's so different about it?
Jack: Same old pie.
Teal'c: It is most satisfying.
Sam: Why does it taste so good?
Jack: I don't know. All I do know is, I don't even like yogurt.
*The intercom calls them to the med lab. They all get up reluctantly, while people stare
in amazement at all the desserts on their one table. Jack turns back around and
knocks into the airmen assigned to watch them in order to grab another piece of pie.*
Hammond: Can we determine what threat they pose?
Jack: Apparently, all desserts on base are in grave danger.
Urgo: *From far away inside their heads* Borrring.
Jack: Who said that?
Daniel: Wasn't me.
Urgo: What do you say we all go do something?
Jack: Teal'c, did you hear that?
Teal'c: I did.
Jack: Who's there?
Urgo: Ok, I'll make it so that you can all see me, but only because you asked.
*In a bright flash, he appears before them* You can all see me, right?
Daniel: Apparently.
Urgo: Oh, good! I'm so glad! Hello, hello, hello! Ha ha! Now you all say it.
All together: Hello, Urgo.
Jack: Alright. What are you?
Urgo: Urgo.
Daniel: Which might explain why we all just said, "Hello, Urgo".
Urgo: No, you are not dreaming.
Daniel: You read our thoughts?
Urgo: Don't panic. Just the thoughts you're having at the moment.
Sam: Of course, you're actually in our heads, aren't you?
Urgo: You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you.
Jack: Carter?
Sam: The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We're looking at some sort
of visual communication interface, controlled hallucination.
Jack: So, I...What?
Urgo: He gets confused! By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?
Urgo: Borring. By the way, who decorated this room? It is so plain.
Please don't tell me your whole planet's like this, not the whole planet!
Hey! Couldn't we go someplace else that's not here? Someplace, you know,
Heh heh...that's not here. Kree! Anywhere! *Whispers* Borring.
Janet: Ok, so what does he look like?
*Urgo flourishes his arms around and grins*
Jack: A famous tenor.
Urgo: What is this?
Sam: It's a defibrillator.
Urgo: Ahh, interesting. Thank you. Is it defibrillating now?
Sam: *Janet looks at her funny* He...uh, it seems to crave new experiences.
(To Urgo) You use the paddles to administer an electric shock to people whose hearts are beating irregularly.
Urgo: Ah, then they feel better? Does it feel good? Does it hurt? Woo, it hurts!
Daniel: I would think so.
Urgo: Let's try it!
Daniel: No, I don't think so.
Urgo: Why not? It's not going to kill you, is it? Or is it?
Janet: It talks to you?
Urgo: (To Teal'c, waving his fingers in front of his face) Tryyy the paddles.
*Teal'c stands up and walks over to the paddles, flipping on the switch*
Janet: Hey!
Jack: Teal'c!
Urgo: Would you loosen up?
Jack: Hey, I'm loose.
Urgo: I'm picking you brains. You can pick my brains. I'll tell you anything you want to know.
Ask me, ask me anything! What, what?
Teal'c: Tell us how to remove you from our brains.
Urgo: Oh...*Makes a raspberry noice* except that! Ha ha! Duh!
Jack: You said anything.
Urgo: Wait a minute. Why do you want to remove me from your brains?
Don't you understand? I'm in your brains. I know you like me. What are you trying to do? You can't fool me.
Jack: No, Urgo! We don't like you!
Urgo: Admit it, tough guy! A smidgeon.
Jack: No smidgeon.
Urgo: I wouldn't blame you. I have a lot of endearing qualities.
Urgo: Years from now, when you're thinking about me, you're going to say,
"Ooh, how did I ever get along without that wonderful constant companion?" Woof!
Jack: Years from now?
Daniel: Woof?
Urgo: There is no way to remove me from your brains. Forget about it.
Jack: What are you doing in our brains in the first place?
Urgo: Well...Ha ha ha. She got it; *He points at Sam* you got it. I'm here to learn. I'm here to experience your world.
Daniel: So, we've been tagged. Like we do with animals in the wild when we want to study them.
Teal'c: We are not wild animals.
Urgo: Speak for yourself, big fella.
Sam: How can you defy your creators?
Urgo: Because they're evil; they're really scary evil. And we don't want anything to do with them.
*He gives her a wide eyed warning look*
Daniel: So, maybe if we contact whoever created the technology...
Urgo: That would be bad, very bad. *He points at each of them, squinting*
Jack: Why should we listen to you?
Urgo: Ok, I know that you only like me a little bit, but I like you a lot! And I do not want you to die.
Daniel: Die?
Urgo: Yes, as in dead. They're gonna kill ya. They'll open your brains with a big giant can opener.
And then they scoop me out with a big scoopy thing. That's how it works. It's death or me...Me or death. You have to decide. Me...or death.
*They all give him a long silent quizzical look*
Urgo: Well?!
Jack: We're thinking.
Urgo: *Singing 'me, me, me' over and over*
Jack: Will you stop it!?!
Urgo: Jeez.
Jack: *Everyone looks at him like he's crazy*...Please.
Hammond: So this technology is living vicariously through you?
Jack: I say we risk it all and go back to the planet.
Sam: Well, what if he's telling the truth about his creators?
Jack: There's no way to get him out of us here, right?
Urgo: No, no way.
Janet: No.
Urgo: *Points at Janet* See? She knows!
Sam: Maybe there's another way. I haven't had much time to study the technology, but I could at least try to figure out a way to turn him off.
Urgo: Turn me off?
Jack: Please. *He touches her arm*
Urgo: You're wasting your time. It's impossible...Hey! I got an idea! Why don't we play Hide and Seek? You hide, and I'll, you know. I'm not going to cheat, you know, cause I...1,2,3,4,5,6,7...
Hammond: Whatever you need, Major. Dismissed.
*They all get up and leave Urgo counting with his eyes covered; he looks around dumbfounded at the empty room*
*Sam's walking down the hall, seemingly talking to herself*
Sam: I don't have time to play, Urgo! I don't care if I'm "it"!
Because I have work to do. No, I am not hungry!
Look, go eat pie with Colonel O'Neill. I am very busy right now!
Hammond: *Walks up to her with Dr. Fraiser* Major?
Sam: I was just talking to Urgo, sir.
Hammond: I see.
Sam: Oh, I wish you did.
Janet: Alright, look. Urgo, Major Carter would like...
Sam: Uh, Janet, he's over here.
Janet: Well then, Urgo, Major Carter would very much like to be left alone.
Sam: Janet, as much as I appreciate it, please.
*Looking at the wall*Urgo! That is rude!
Janet: What did he say?
Sam: Uh...If you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
*She nods toward invisible Urgo to move on, then when he doesn't, she gives an annoyed look and walks past Hammond and Fraiser*
Hammond: Doctor, are we entirely sure that the members of SG-1 are...what's the word?
Janet: Sane?
Hammond: That's the one.
Sam: It would be harmless to us, but is should render Urgo impotent.
Urgo: Could you, uh, rephrase that?
Urgo: I throw myself at your mercy. Please have mercy!
Ooh, I know! I can be smaller! How's this? I'm here. Look how teeny weeny I am!
How could anything this teeny weeny hurt anybody? Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull? What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Want to watch golf on television?
Jack: Will you flip that switch?
Urgo: No! How bout this? Can you resist this? *He turns into a young Airforce officer; everyone stares blankly at him*
Oh, don't do that! Oh, sacre bleu! I'm melting, i'm melting! What a world, what a world!
Sam: The pulse hasn't gone off yet, Urgo. It's on a timer.
Urgo: Oh! How much time do I...*He flashes out*
Janet: Assuming you're clear by next weekend, Cassandra and I are going to the lake, and we're going to rent a row boat. Would you like to come along?
Sam: Yeah, I'd love to.
Janet: Great. Can you send Daniel up next?
Sam: Yeah, okay. *She gets up and leaves singing "Row, Row, Row Your
Boat"
Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c all start singing in rounds on the computer monitors*
Jack: I was not singing. I'd know if I was singing. I don't even know the words to Row, row, row...
*Janet plays the video of him singing*
Jack: Ok, if you call that singing....*Whispers* Urgo.
Urgo: *Urgo appears in the chair* I couldn't help myself. *Giggles*
Jack: *He pounds his head on the table*Get out.
Sam: I was so sure it would work.
Urgo: Oh, it did. Don't feel bad. It did work for a while. Everything went away. It was very sad, very very sad. Then all of a sudden I was back in your brains, where I belong.
Sam: He can't actually make us do anything we don't want to, sir.
Janet: Then why did I have to treat your arm for a burn? Didn't you say Urgo was responsible?
Sam, Jack, & Daniel: He didn't mean to.
Teal'c: That was not his intention.
*Urgo gives Teal'c a sarcastic thumbs up*
Jack: Come on, Urgo. Be a mensch. How do we get rid of you?
Urgo: I have no idea. I really, I just don't know.
Urgo: Look, I'm not going to make another noise. Not a peep, nothing. I'm going to be quiet like a little tiny mouse. Not a peep. Watch...*Giggles* Ooh, I got an idea! Why don't we play a game, some sort of a wonderful game? Something with a dictionary. It's so much fun. You know, you get a word. And *Giggles* then you write what you think the word is. Oh, it's a lot of laughs. And educational, really nice. I think you'll like it.
Urgo: *Whispers* Why is he doing that?
Daniel: We're trying to communicate with your creators.
Urgo: *Still whispering* No, bad...no...
Daniel: It's our last alternative before we resort to actually going back there.
Urgo: *Points at Jack* You know, you were just thinking of that island, Maui, with the big beaches and the little bikinis. *Sam gives Jack a smirk* Well, that's where we should go cause it's very nice and warm there, instead of being here.
Sam: Sir, we could be risking our lives.
Jack: Ok, let's...ask the question. Do we want to give up SG-1 and walk around the rest of our lives with him yapping away in our heads?
Urgo: *Whispers to Sam* Yes, say yes.
Jack: Or do we take the risk and try and find a way to get rid of him so we can get on with our lives?
Urgo: (To Sam again) No, say no.
Daniel: Sorry, Urgo.
Jack: That's good enough. Teal'c?
Teal'c: If we are to remain in the service of this world...Urgo must be removed.
Urgo: Sam, Sammy! You like me. I remind you of your Uncle Irving! Bubbalah! Member?
Sam: Yeah, I guess you do a little. *She smiles*
Jack: Carter?
Sam: Sorry. I guess I say we go.
Urgo: Ok, ok fine. He's going to kill me. You heard him! Oh you people, for crying out loud! Don't you have any feelings?
*Jack gives him an insulted look for using his phrase*
Daniel: There are plenty of lifeforms that require other lifeforms to live.
Teal'c: Then you are a parasite, like the Goa'uld.
Urgo: *In a deep mimicking voice* A parasite, like the Goa'uld.
Togar: Do not move, or I will render you unconscious...if necessary.
Daniel: You're Togar?
Togar: Yes! Togar!
Urgo: As handsome as he is evil!
Urgo: He's a madman. He's an evil, terrible madman! Run for your lives!
Togar: I hear you! Be silent!
Jack: Wait, you hear him?
Togar: Yes, hear and see.
Daniel: Then you should be able to see that he's afraid.
Togar: Relocate!
Urgo: While I'm being silent, Togar, I'd like to point out that when I called you a madman, I meant it in the nicest possible way.
Togar: Come, come forward, come forth. Stay.
Daniel: What about Urgo?
Togar: It will be destroyed.
Urgo: See, what did I tell you? Oh please, don't let him do this to me!
Teal'c, help. Kree! Jump him! Give him a double Jaffa-Jaffa kick! Go on!
Daniel: You'd be killing something that you gave life.
Urgo: *Looks at Togar* Dad...That's a terrible idea! I'd rather die a painful and horrible death.
Daniel: It was just a thought.
Urgo: I want to live. I want to experience the universe, and I want to eat pie.
Jack: Who doesn't?
Togar: Enough babbling. Explain.
Daniel: I was just thinking that maybe you'd want to put Urgo in you.
Urgo: No, I wouldn't do that. I'd rather be in that little, with the eyes and the....No!
Urgo: Count me out. I don't want to do it. He's mean and boring and...and...and...mean!
Jack: We're giving you a chance here. Him or death! Death or him.
Urgo: Oh, dear.
Jack: Well?
Urgo: I'm thinking.
Jack: Urgo thinks it's a great idea, and I'm sure you'll enjoy his presence as much as we have.
Urgo: See, I knew it. I knew you liked me! Ha, I was right.
Jack: Maybe a little.
Urgo: How bout a hug?
Jack: Don't push it.
Daniel: Wait, Togar. How do we know that Urgo's really alive?
Urgo: (To Togar) I'm here, I'm here! Tell them! Tell them!
Togar: (To Urgo) I will as soon as you're quiet!
Daniel and Jack: He's alive.
Urgo: Oh, I'm gonna miss 'em! Hey I know! Why don't we....
Togar: No.
Urgo: Why not?
Togar: No.
Urgo: It's really fun and exciting!
Togar: No.
Urgo: Are you sure that we're thinking the same thing?
Togar: Positive.
Hammond: Glad you're back SG-1. Was the mission successful?
Jack: Uh....
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