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Jack: All right, describe for me the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out.
Daniel in Machello: I don�t have a sister, Jack. And if I did, I wouldn�t let you near her.
Machello: Why does no one answer me?
Fred: Cause you�re strange.
Machello: Am I? Tell me how I am strange.
Fred: Man, you can�t be just walking up to people you don�t know on the street and talking all weird like that, asking for stuff.
Machello: Isn�t that what you are doing?
Fred: Well, yeah, but�
Machello: Then you must be strange as well.
Fred: I�ve been called worse. Sure. I�m strange, too.
Machello: I am called Machello.
Fred: I�m�Fred.
Machello: Let us feast together, Fred. And celebrate our strangeness and newfound friendship.
Fred: On you?
Machello: If that is the custom, we will feast�on me.
Jack: On three. One, two, three.
Machine pulses; Jack and Teal�c give each other looks; Sam watches them clueless
Sam: What?
Hammond: How did it go, Colonel?
Teal�c in Jack: It did not go well, General Hammond.
Jack in Teal�c: Ya think?
Hammond looks questioningly at Teal�c; Sam smiles weakly and looks at her Colonel in Teal�c�s body
Sam: First, let�s just try grasping it normally, the same way you did before.
Sam watches them uncomfortably; Jack in Teal�c reluctantly grabs the handles with Teal�c in Jack. The machine pulses; Jack in Teal�c looks down at his belly
Jack in Teal�c: Nope. I still got Junior.
Sam: All right. Maybe there�s an in and an out handle. Switch sides.
Jack in Teal�c gives her a fed up look; she rolls her eyes back. Pulses again; Sam watches Jack in Teal�c expectantly; she sees that it is still Jack when he just stands there and gives a little smirk; she closes her eyes in frustration
Teal�c in Jack: We did not make progress.
Sam: Ok, um�Maybe it has something to do with the order in which you�grab the handles.
Teal�c in Jack gives her a quizzical look
Hostess: Can I help you?
Machello in Daniel: Hello. This is Fred. I am Machello. We wish to feast on me. In fact, let everyone here feast on me!
Hostess: You celebrating something?
Machello: Indeed we are. Life.
Hostess: Ok, but I�m going to need a credit card.
Machello: A credit card? Where would I find such a card?
Hostess: Usually in your wallet.
Machello: Will one of these cards do?
Hostess: Absolutely.
Machello: You are one of the most enchanting women I have seen in my lifetime. I would be honored by a kiss.
Hostess: Yeah, I bet you would.
Fred: Dig in Machello, before the hot fudge melts all the ice cream.
Machello takes a big spoonful of whipped cream which gets all over his mouth.
Fred: So, uh, I get the feeling you fought in the Gulf. Am I right?
Machello: No, but I was a soldier. I fought many battles. I was captured and tortured.
Fred: That explains a lot.
Machello: I continued to fight and lost all that I loved and cared for. But I knew I could not surrender�for you. If it were not for me, you would all be conquered by now.
Fred: (Laughing) By who? Saddam?
Machello: He is not a System Lord I am familiar with, but several others would have wiped you out.
Fred: Whatever you say, man.
Machello: But I do not wish to fight any longer. From now on, I only want to eat hamburgers and French fries and ice cream sundaes. And I want to be with good people like you, Fred.
Fred: All good things come to an end, Machello.
Machello: Oh, no, my friend. Only evil things must come to an end. For all good things such as ourselves, it is possible to go on forever.
Fred: Cool.
Jack in Teal�c: Teal�c? What are you doing?
Teal�c in Jack: If I am to remain in this body, I must shave my head.
Jack: You�re making a joke, right?
Teal�c: I am not joking. He holds up the scissors
Jack: Teal�c, you will not shave my head.
Teal�c: It is presently my head, O�Neill.
Jack: Teal�c, this is temporary.
Teal�c: And, if it is not?
Jack: Just give them a chance to find Daniel, ok? Look, I�m going to see General Hammond. Promise me you won�t touch the head until I get back.
He gives Teal�c a pleading grimace. Teal�c in Jack just stares and raises one eyebrow
Jack: Request permission to go there, sir.
Hammond: Denied. You�ll remain here until they bring him in. Be patient, Colonel.
Jack: I can�t be patient, sir. Daniel is dying, and I�d rather we get to Machello than risk some yahoo civvy officer shooting at him, blowing any chance we have of saving him.
He tries to keep from laughing at O�Neill�s state.
Hammond: As much as I�d like to, you�re not exactly yourself.
(Stands up to face Jack with a grin)
Hammond: Request denied.
Machello: How does one go about courting a wife, Fred?
Fred: Usually with lots of time, energy, and those credit cards.
Machello: Good. Let us begin now.
Cop: Hold it there, Buddy.
Machello: I will not go back. It is impossible.
Cop: Put your hands behind your head.
Fred: Do it Machello. You don�t know these cops like me.
Machello makes a break for it. Cops chase him.
Wait! Don�t shoot him, man! He�s a hero!
Fred: Aw, don�t hurt him.
Machello: You were right, Fred. All good things do come to an end.
Sam: Daniel, you can�t die on me now.
Daniel: It�s nice to know you don�t just like me for my looks.
Hammond: I don�t know about the customs on your planet. But here on Earth, the value of a life is priceless.
Machello: If you had the technology, you would do the same.
Daniel: No, I wouldn�t, because then I would become no better than the Goa�uld.
Machello: I am not a Goa�uld! I hate the Goa�uld.
Daniel: The Goa�uld use hosts because they think they are better than humans. Because they think they deserve it. You�re a Goa�uld, Machello. I am nothing but a host to you.
Machello: I am not a Goa�uld.
Daniel: My wife is still alive. There is a chance I could still save her. You are stealing that chance.
Machello: Even if you still had this body, you will never find her.
Daniel: I will find her. I will find�
A final tear falls from his eye as his heart stops
Sam: First, Colonel, you and Machello will switch.
He gives her a questioning look.
Sam: Trust me, Colonel.
Machello in Daniel and Jack in Teal�c grab the device.
Sam: Colonel?
Jack in Daniel: I�m here.
Sam: How do you feel, physically?
Jack: Peachy.
Machello in Teal�c: (With Machello�s nasal accent)The transference was successful. Physically we are fine. Please continue, Captain.
Sam: All right. Now you and Daniel should switch.
Teal�c in Jack and Daniel in Machello switch
Daniel: Whoa, what a dream. What happened?
Sam: I don�t have time to explain right now, Daniel. Just bear with me.
Daniel: Ok.
Jack in Daniel: Danny Boy. (He beckons with his finger)
Daniel in Jack: Jack?
Jack in Daniel: Our turn. (They grab the handles)
Jack in Jack: Yes! Yes! (To Teal�c wanting to strangle him) Shave my head?!
Daniel in Daniel: I�m back.
Janet: He�s conscious again.
Machello: Thank you for my holiday. (He passes away)
Hammond: Welcome back, SG-1.
