Heaven on Nov. 28, 2008 at 4:26 PM
Dear Santa,
This year I had to tell my nine year old daughter the truth. Mom is her "santa." I knew she would be disappointed, and that the magic has ended. We have been through so much. I'm not even sure how I keep it together.. I had my son in September. He was supposed to be a Christmas baby, so I named him Nicholas. He lived for two days and then passed away in my arms while I was alone. I almost didn't make it either. The father is in prison now. (The police took matters into their own hands because I was too afraid to do anything for fear of retailiation) It feels good not to have to answer to HIM anymore, for now, sort of....he still has a hold on me from behind bars that I can't seem to shake. I lost my job of three years that I loved because I worked at a college and they were afraid of his violence and he'd already confronted someone there. They let me go, and I lost the best job I ever had. I don't really have any friends, except the ones I'm making on my online support group because I've been so isolated for so long. I need major back surgery very soon which will leave me in the hospital for a week and months of recovery and I don't have anyone to help me. Right now I live with chronic pain that continues to worsen. I lost my house because of my husband. I could of tried to save it, but there is just too many bad memories of the last five years I lived there. I was like my prison. I've been anxious and depressed. I'm getting unemployment and I tried to go back to school to work on my bachelor degree, but now I have to medically withdraw this semester because of my physical and mental well being. I don't get support from my oldest daughter's father because he is on Social Security (legally insane, and sees his daughter rarely), my stepson's mother lives with her newest bf, gave her other three kids to their father, and she doesn't really care to hold a job, and my youngest daughter's father is in prison. I'm afraid I'm going to have apply for welfare. I do want to go back to work, but I can't because if I don't have this surgery on my back I won't be walking soon. I am working very hard to regain control of my life. I'm going back to counseling and planning the surgery anyway because I needed it desparately. In the mean time, my support system is nil, I spend most my days in bed, and when I do go out in public I get very anxious. I bought myself a present too santa. I bought three books, that were highly recommended by my members in my DV group. They came today and I'm so excited to read them and learn more about myself, and if I can really believe all the promises my husband is making from prison and maybe figure out why he has done these awful things to me. My dearest Santa, if there is anything you can do to help me with my two daughter's so that they can have a Christmas this year I will be so grateful, and when I am in a better place I will return the favor to a child who needs me. Thank you very much for your time.
