Page full of lists....
Interesting coffee break reading?
1. In your bosses office as you are turning to leave. Tip: Make sure it's a silent one!
2. In a public washroom.
3. In a cashier's line - It may help to speed things up a little bit.
4. In an empty elevator before you get off.
5. Next to an occupied changing room, it may quickly become un-occupied.
6. In someone else's un-occupied cubicle at work.
7. While parachuting.
8. While scuba diving.
9. In the back seat of a police car, if you have been arrested.
10. During interrogation if you are being interrogated.
11. In your car if you are being carjacked.
12. In a changing room when you are sure someone else is waiting their turn.
13. In your car once you have been pulled over. The officer might let you go with a warning, if it's a really bad one.
14. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.
15. While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know who to blame.
What guys say to themselves, when with a woman, to motivate themselves:
1. Because I am a man... When an appliance breaks down I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the service man gets here to put it back together.
2. Because I am a man... When I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle around with a coat hanger and ignore your suggestions to call AAA until long after hypothermia sets in.
3. Because I am a man... When the car isn't running well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine appearing to know what I am looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and every thing, I don't know where to start!" Then they'll drink a beer.
4. Because I am a man... You don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are if you are crying at the end of it, I didn't.
5. Because I'm a man... I always think what you're wearing is fine. What you were wearing five minutes ago was also fine. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or not is fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine! Can we go now?
6. Because I am a man... And this is the 21st century, I will share in the housework equally. You do the laundry, cook, claen and do the dishes. I'll take care of the yard, bar-be-que and the car.
7. Because I am a man... When I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so this is not an issue.
8. Because I am a man... I must hold the remote control in my hand while watching TV. If it has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by clutching a calculator.
9. Because I am a man... I don't think we're lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask for directions. After all, how the heck would a complete stranger know where we are going anyway!!!
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Arguement (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek buk) v.
To go to the bank machine and press "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You buy the groceries, wash the lettuce, chop the tomatoes, dice the onions, marinate the meat, clean up the mess and do the dishes, but he "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so that men can understand them.
Canteloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
Gotta get married in church.
Childbirth (child*birth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions, he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... Breath... Push... Good Girl!"
Diet soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you can buy at the corner store to wash down a whole pound of M&M's.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk around all day long in a shopping mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Hair dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone, who is able to create a style, you will never be able to duplicate again. Also see, "Magician."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.
Valentines Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off when you cry,shower or swim, but will not come off when you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n.
Number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
1. Conversations often begin with, "put the baseball bat down, and then we'll talk."
2. The school pricipal has your phone number on speed-dial.
3. The cat is on valium.
4. You are trying to get your 4-year-old to switch to decaffeinated coffee.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exeeds the number of people in your household.
6. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
7. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
8. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if they have time to take out the trash.
9. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
10. You are too busy to remember any of the previous signs.