Jokes 37
A young female stock broker was bored of driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that every bitch in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, "Perhaps a MG convertible," she mused to herself. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork. An empty check stub later and off she was driving down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could go wrong? With that there was a jerking from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded, after a few minutes realized that she didn't have a clue. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to Triple A and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That's a lovely car" says the AAA man "What seems to be the matter?" "Well it just conked out I'm afraid" "Let me have look," he said. He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. "Oh goody!" she said, "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just shit in the carburetor" He replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?
Little Johnny is bored one Saturday, so he says to his dad, "Dad, I'm bored. What is there to do?" His dad decides to have a little fun with Johnny, so he gives him four quarters and says, "Why don't you go to the drug store and get me some what's what?" Baffled but excited, Johnny scampers down the street to the drug store. He asks the druggist for some "what's what," and at first the druggist is confused, until he guesses that this kid has been sent out on a wild goose chase. He replies, "We don't have any, but that building over there might," while at the same time he points towards a whorehouse. Johnny, again excited, runs over to the whorehouse. He knocks on the door and a naked women answers. He says, "I need some...hey, what's that?" motioning to her crotch? "What's what?" she replies. Satisfied, Johnny says, "I'll take a dollar's worth!"
A guy goes to a tattoo parlor and asks how much it would cost to get a picture tattooed on his dick. The artist tells him it will cost $1000. So the client hands him a $100 bill and says "OK. Please tattoo a picture of this $100 bill on my dick." "OK" says the artist. Then, out of curiosity, he asks the guy "But why do you want a picture of a $100 bill tattooed on to you dick?" The client says "Never mind. Just do it, please." Now even more curious, the artist then says "OK, I'll tell you what ... I'll do the tattoo for you and you can keep your $1000, if you'll just tell me why you want a tattoo of a $100 bill on your dick." Accepting the offer, the client tells him "OK. here's why: 1) I like playing with my money 2) I like watching my money grow. 3) The next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay at home and do it."
This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very depressed. He was married to a nagging woman who was constantly switching between treating him nice and tearing down his self esteem. To add to it, his best friend was to be hanged that night for a capital crime. He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in his self-pity. His wife said, "Honey, what's the problem?" "They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!" "I understand, go take a bath. I'll get supper ready for you, Sweetie, and you can go down to see him before the hanging. Now, won't that make you feel better?" He decided to not make it worse and agrees with her proposal. Well, while she was getting supper the paper came, hitting the front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened it. The heading said, "WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION." She knew her husband would want to know immediately and hearing the great news would really lift his spirits, so she went up the stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he was, bent over and naked, cleaning the tub. She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!" He answered, "The same old story. First you're nice and then bitch, bitch, bitch!!!"
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
John Cleese of Monty Python fame was asked the difference between British
people and American people. He answered:
1. We speak English and they don't.
2. When we have a World Championship, we invite teams from other countries.
3. Our ruler only requires our citizens to get down on one knee.
A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant and never have. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis and would like some more. The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, "One moment please, I will get the pharmacist." The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?" "I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the her "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant" The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
� 2000 Email