Jokes 36
One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk couldn't help notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than is grandmother does. "Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell v-vibrators here?" "Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed. "B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?" asked the old lady. "Yes ma'am, we have some like that." "The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?" "Yes ma'am, we've got just about any size you'd want," said the young clerk. "The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?" "Yes ma'am we carry some like that." "Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it off
In 1874, a stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas. In the coach were a Texan, a busty lady and a greenhorn from the East. The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you ten dollars for a blowjob." The Texan looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and shot the greenhorn right between the eyes. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!" The Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two dollars."
I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."
The high-school, blonde and bosomy cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. "Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong." "Yeah, I guess you right." replied the cheerleader. "Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat."
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?" So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
A very well-built young blond was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and
failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried
being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed
at that,too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a
full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it
a try!"
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away. So, that day, the farmer does just that. The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm and sees the neighbor' kid out by their barn. "Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?" the farmer asks. The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her butt!!"
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