Jokes 34
Due to an incredible scientific breakthrough accomplished with the newest and most sophisticated brain-wave analysis devices, it is now possible to literally read the minds of infants. Despite the potential "brain drain" risks reported in a recent Newsweek covers story (one test child was rendered so mindless he is now mistaken almost daily for Maury Povich), I allowed my seven-month-old daughter to undergo a "head read," conducted in her natural environment. Here are the results. Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it... Hey! What was I doing? I forget. I hate it when that happens. Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it... Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was gonna scale our home entertainment center. Now if I can just hoist myself up on this wire... Nope. No good. Maybe if I wrap it around my neck thusly... Whoooops! Hey! I'm flying! Just like Superbaby! Flying through the skies to save the world from total destruction! I'm flying into... Oh, no! My playpen?! WAAAAAAAAAAH! Help! Save me! WAAAAAAAAAH! NOT THE PLAYPEN! NOT THE... Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it... Uh-oh. There's that rumbling noise. Maybe it's a false alarm... Nope! It's a mud slide! Run for your lives! WAAAAAAAAAH! Phew. Mom showed up just in time. I was almost buried alive... EEEYOW! Where you been keepin' those baby wipoes? In the deep-freeze? Next time, how about chippin' the ice off 'em first? Hey! I'm flyin' again! Wheeee! Superbaby! Flying into...my crib? No! No! I'm not sleepy! Really! Heck, if I was sleepy, I wouldn't have the energy to do this: WAAAAaaaaHHHHHHhhhhHHHH! Or, for that matter, this: WAAAAAAAaaaaaHHHHHHHaaaaaHHHHHHHaaahhhHHH! Now lemme outta here! Mom? Mom? Zzzzzzzzzzzzz... Huh? Where am I? Hmmm. Still in bed. Mom must have knocked me unconscious and left me here, trapped like a rat. Maybe I can climb out. Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it... Hey! There's Dad? He'll bust me outta this joint!... Hey, Dad, where ya going? You forgot to pick me up! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ha. It worked. What a sucker. Hiya, Dad. You know, you'd be a pretty good-lookin' guy if you didn't have all that hair on your face. Here, lemme rip it off for you with my world-famous vise grip... Oh calm down. Lemme try again, using both hands... Okay! Okay! I'll just yank out one hair at a time... Sheesh. What a wimp. How about I just sink my dainty little razor-sharp fingernails into your face?... WHOOOOPS! I'm flyin' again! No! NOOOOO! Not back to the playpen! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it... Hmmmm. I'm famished, and this mystery food ain't helping. Time to ring the dinner bell. WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! Joy of joys. Here comes Mom with some eats. What's on the menu tonight, Mom? ... Wow! Strained peas! My favorite! Gimme a big ol' honkin' spoonful. Mmm-mmm, good! Say, Mom, now that my mouth is full of strained peas, wanna see my impression of an outboard motor? Watch this. It's great. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFHHHHHH! Not bad, huh? Hey! Where'd the peas go? And where did this bottle come from? I don't want no stinkin' bottle. Here, I'll demonstrate by throwing it on the floor. See? What are you doin'? Don't pick it up and give it back to me! Obviously, you're confused, so let's go over it one more time. When I throw my bottle THUSLY, it means "Ixnay on the ottlebay." Got that? In otherwords, more strained peas! More strained peas! More strained... Whoooooops! Superbaby is flyin' back to the living room floor! Well, it's about time! Let's see. What was I doing before all those rude interruptions? Oh, yeah. I was scaling the home entertainment center. Now, where's that wire?... Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it...
The young blonde American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test the French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making. On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her. "First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel." "Big deal!!!" the blonde said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of times." "Ahhhhh, but of course," shrugged the Frenchman. "But... from ze inside?"
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I went in search of an inflatable love doll. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex! Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her. He finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
� 2000 Email