Jokes 30
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago". "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed. Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!
Organizers of the first "National Orgasm Week" held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained. It seems at least three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it. The other quarter celebrated it *over*, and *over*, and *over*...
A woman goes to see her doctor. She enters the examination room, and says, "Doctor, I've got a problem. You see, I was born with 3 butts. What can you do for me?" The doctor asks the woman to undress and get up onto the examination table. He examines her. Sure enough, she has three butts, side by side. After a moments of thought, the doctor goes to his desk, opens a drawer and gets out a roll of duct tape. He then proceeds to tear off two strips and place them over the woman's two outer butts. "Ok then" says the doctor when he's finished, "you can get dressed and go now." "You've cured my problem?" says the woman. "Not really" says the doctor, "but at least this will stop you from getting f*cked left and right..."
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If it's National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."
Pee Wee, our kids, and I were on vacation in a quaint California
resort town. There was a local there who gave carriage ride to
sightseers. He had his horse parked outside the ice cream parlor I was
exiting with Pee Wee and our four-year-old daughter.
Now, this horse had an erection, and our daughter was fascinated. So as all
these tourists gathered around the horse, feeding and petting him,
our daughter yelled out, "Daddy! That horse has a penis---like you!"
I was mortified, but Pee Wee, of course, just looked around at
everyone and said, "That's my girl!"
A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful. "Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often." "How about three times a day?" the patient asked. "That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?" "Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied. "I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor. The patient said, "I've got one just like that!" So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?" "Because, she won't have sex during meal times!"
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