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A girl saw an attractive man in a bar. She sat next to him, ordered a drink and introduced herself. They became friendly and she invited him home. When they arrived she gave him a drink, turned on the TV and went to get into "something more comfortable." She came out in a flimsy negligee, paraded back and forth and announced, "Paris, 1998." He smiled and continued watching TV. She went back, changed into a topless bathing suit and announced, "San Francisco, 1997." Again he smiled and continued watching TV. This time she went to extremes, she came out wearing shoes and nothing else and announced, "Here and now, 1999." There were still no results. She screamed, "What's the matter with you anyway?" The man jumped up, jerked his pants down and said, "Mowing machine, 1996!"
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?" The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it." "Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested. "Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried. "Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt. Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!" The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She replied, "What other way?"
I was at work one day recently, and had a dilemma: Too much work and not enough time. I said to Gail, "I could use your advice setting my priorities. I have a TPS report that needs to get done, but I also have that other report that really needs to get out the door. Something has to give. What do you think?" Gail simply smiled and said, "You don't really need my input. Just follow your gut and use your time as you think it would be best spent." So I fucking left.
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree. Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might See yours?" "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the fuck out of here."
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