Jokes 27
<--body--> Two old ladies sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?" The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm"
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to the nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Subject: Dearest Redneck Son I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newpaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you; your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Love, Maw
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. - First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse... Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. -Ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt. - Now take off my bra... which he does. -And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other four. The nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh.?" The nine-year old shakes his head and replies, "Nope, not for my Mom." Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?" Nine-year old: "Nope, not for my sister either." Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?" The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old brother." Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??" Nine year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either!"
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad! What
are you doin?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says,"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better
mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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